I've been doing my best. Life's been rough. The landlord still sucks. I'm behind on submitting stuff. Finally got the fire under my ass to get real medical help. Doesn't mean its exactly possible. We ball.
In the interest of holding on, here's the good things that have happened this week and will happen:
Got yelled at by all my roommates about how to get medicated. This sounds harsher than it was. It was honestly just nice to feel supported and have all the stories of my roommates who are all on various kinds of medications for mental stuff
Told the roommates about the unrequited crush situation. I feel lighter
for it. Turns out I'm also not the only roommate going through that specifically. Solidarity in misery or something
Best friend figured out who the unrequited crush is. It's nice to have the extra layer of understanding without having to have spoken it into the world.
I now own MCRs Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge on CD! and I've got a CD of Motion City Soundtracks Commit This To Memory in delivery. I've already listened to the Three Cheers CD twice over.
Finished and submitted my project for Tuesday on time. I feel pretty proud of what I made.
Finally bought a guitar strap for the new guitar. My choir roommate says its the most shoe looking guitar shes ever seen. Shes not wrong. It's pretty silly.
Trickshot does really look like a shoe
Learned about the Power Chord. Technically I've been knowing about it, but I've finally realized what it is and just how common it is in songs. Hell yeah learning moment
Haircut next thursday! I've never known if the 30 dollar haircut meme was supposed to refer to an expensive or a cheap haircut. I would kill for a $30 haircut in this economy. I found this girl who does $24 haircuts because shes a hairstyling student. I'm pretty hopeful about it, and shes hyped about cutting my hair too it seems.
I made my moms spaghetti sauce for the first time. It was my first time trying to make one of my moms recipes. It turned out pretty good. It tastes like home. I should call my mom.
Going to a local show tonight. I'll be showing up late because I have a class that ends 30 minutes after doors open, and it takes a hour to get there from campus, but there'll still be 3 hours of show by the time I get there, so I'll be having a good time. More to come on that.
Finally fixed my favourite pants. There was a hole in the back of the thigh that had a temporary fix that was starting to tear more. Finally patched it. I also managed to almost rip off one of the belt loops, which has also been quickly fixed. I'm hoping that one stays put for awhile.
Emotional music, to feel emotional to?!?! That's crazy. Who'd've thunk.
I feel like I missed out on a lot of formative highschool experiences, hence feeling like one hell of an emo kid during my second year of uni- spending last night moping and listening to the entirety of Commit this To Memory face down in my bed. If I was feeling any worse I would've been crying by the end of the first song.
I totally get why you’re supposed to have these things happen in highschool because going through emotional rollercoasters is made 10x worse when you also have to pay rent and budget for groceries. Writing that reminded me that I have to pay rent soon. Horrid. But it's not like I got the option to pencil this into the schedule of my life, so better late than never.
Anyways. I've been thinking about this because I've been going through my first unrequited lesbian crush. Wahoo. Not a box on the list on common formative experiences that I thought I'd get to check off, but here we are.
I've been pretty confidently calling myelf aromantic until this point, and really I will probably still continue to call myself aromantic because anything more complicated is something I don't have the energy for. The thing with being aro is that a lot of it has hinged on me really just. Not understanding romance. And truth be told I still feel like I don't. Hence all of this feeling like a slap in the face to finally realize. But if you're not gonna call pathetic yearning and sappy sad thoughts some kind of romantic attraction, what else will you call it?
I only managed to tell my best friend about this last friday after I've kind of known for awhile. Still haven't even told him who it is. That ones too big to say still. It's killing me too because the whole situation of it is pretty funny, so now I can't tell a funny story because it physically pains me to pull the words out of my mouth. That sucks.
I've submitted something to queering the map about it. Big fan of queering the map. If you're unfamiliar, its basically a site that shows a bunch of community submitted stories on a world map to showcase the queer experience. Going through it ranges from adorable stories about first kisses and hopeful starts to coming out worst case scenarios and apologies for loving and heartbreak. It's quite the experience. It's the queer experience. I hope my story gets through. Apparently there's a hell of a backlog because everything that gets submitted is moderated, so it might be months until it properly shows up, or maybe it never will.
For archival purposes. Here it will be.I'm holding my hand in front of my face like I'm shielding it from the winds, but I'm really doing it to stop myself from considering kissing you in the cold or grabbing your hand while you complain about not dressing warm enough. You'll never know that you're my first crush. I can't wait to say that in past tense. We're puzzle pieces that can't fit. Definetly not now and maybe not ever. I hope you find someone that loves you more than I could. That knows what you're talking about and can argue lovingly. Fits you instad of just greedily sliding close and calling it enough.
Well. Now I've got to finish writing something due at 4pm. That I've barely started. C'est la vie.
I scored tickets to a Billy Talent concert this morning!!!! Yaho!!!! I was practically vibrating out of my seat in excitement for the rest of the class that I was already ignoring for the most part to get tickets.
A friend got me into them in 2024 and they are a genuine favourite of mine. It's weird because I never really went through a hyperfixation with them, I just listened to them a lot, so I keep forgetting how much I love this band until it gets brought up somehow.
But this brings me to my dilemma. This is my second Big Concert. Like not in a bar venue or basement Concert. And since I'm a recent fan and this is my first concert with them, I've not got a clue what the demographics and energy are gonna be like. I asked the friend I'm going with who's been to their concerts before and his first response was. Old. Mid 30s to 40s. Said he didn't know if the people would like a sticker. Alright cool. Out of my depth here.
I also manged to ask a cool acquaintance I met at a Hayley Williams listening party who's turns out to also be going to the concert, and who's also got lawn tickets! Apparently shes been a fan since 03. Which. Man. That's older than me. She's very firmly a millennial, and she gave me a very enthusiastic yes about people liking being offered stickers- with the caveat that I might get a couple "party pooper" nos, which seems about fair.
So that's a millennial yes and a gen Z maybe. Man.
The reason I'm even considering making stickers is because the last Big Concert I went to, I was going with my best friend and he made stickers to give out. However the big difference here is that that concert was a Twenty One Pilots concert. Very different crowd. Much younger crowd. So many people on that lawn were giving out stuff I swear. The only info I've got out of this is that the venue probably won't care about me giving out some stickers if I do.
The optimistic part of me says that a punk loves a sticker, but the other part of me is scared of being in a crowd of people on average at least 10 years older than me and going "do you want a sticker? ( O^O )". I'm gonna look like a child. Honestly this would probably be easier if I was a literal child. Being approached by an 8 year old with a sticker is cute at least. I'm an emo 19 year old. Who let me have adult money.
I think the middle ground is to only make a handful. Maybe like 12, no more than 24. Only one or 2 designs too. I'll scout out my millennial acquaintance to give her one and a few if shes got friends with her. The rest will be for any people met along the way with good energy and a fleeting conversation, as it goes with concerts. Also to maybe like. Ask on the reddit about it. Pretty sure that's what my best friend did the last time.
I am really excited about going but considering all this has me hoping that I'll be comfortable there. I've got relative faith because its a punk band with a solid fandom reputation, but I'm still a filipino woman-looking visibly-queer 19 year old. I know this crowd is gonna be older, and probably for the most part pretty white. Hell I'm going with my tallest and whitest friend. Incredibly envious that his 6'4" ass will have no problems standing on the lawn. Truth be told I wasn't super aware of how white the crowd was at the last Concert I went to because I was with the Only Other POC. But now I'm Thinking About It.
I'm kind of hoping being in the lawn (the far back cheapest tickets) will mean I'll be more likely to find the younger and broker sort, the ones who are also likely to be artier and guaranteed to be more receptive to a sticker. One can only hope.
Now I gotta think about what I'm even gonna put on these stickers. All this overthinking for something that's not even real yet.
Its yet another snow day. I don't have any classes today, but its nice to feel like I don't really have to go anywhere today anyways. I know I'll have to go out at some point to print my project, but thats a problem for me in about 7 hours.
I'm feeling pretty good about the day so far. Means I'm feeling pretty good about the week ahead too. Gonna see how long I can hold onto this feeling.
My cool roommate referred me to a student hairdresser a town over doing $24 haircuts, and the vibe in booking so far has been great. I'm so ready for my hair to actually be shapely again.
I'm like 70% done my project that I need to turn in tomorrow morning. Which means I probably won't be doing a late night rush to get it done. It's at the point where if I turned it in now I'd probably be fine, get at least a C on it, but its kind of unsatisfying to leave it as is, so I'll be doing as much rendering as I can today so it looks half decent.
Jamming with the roommates has been fun. Been nice to be communally struggling over playing Moves Like Jagger. Still trying to figure out if learning how to sing and play it is worth it. Singing while playing off beats is as hellish as you'd imagine. If I don't figure that out, then we're either micing the drummer which is no loss because our drummer is a fantastic singer, or we're having the vocalist do the whole thing which would be a travesty to lose the adlibs in the final chorus. Really I might learn to do it regardless of what we settle on just to see if I can.
Been getting back into writing music with my best friend. This band will happen, I believe it. Everything about that is a story for another day though. Honestly its just a lot of fun, and we've been having some breakthroughs in our approach which has been really satisfying.
We're ordering groceries and I'm planning on trying to make pasta sauce the way my mom does for the first time. I'm so excited. I have no confidence in how well it will go. but i'm so excited.
The only thorn in my side for the week is my Fuckass landlord.
Fuck this guy. Oh my Stars Fuck This Guy. Emailed last 2 weeks ago about confirming whether or not we're renewing. Out lease ends in August. Sure. Alright. Said we were interesting in sticking with him but wanted cheaper options. Got some options about renewing at a reduced rent for good behavior or getting another place for cheaper rent. Asked about getting a showing. Radio silence for a week. Another email about whether or not we'll renew. Said we needed time because they havENT FOLLOWED UP ON US YET. For some reason they always fucking email these things on friday wanting answers for monday. Which means we can't reach them until monday. That's fucking evil.
"[The landlord] better be fucking busy. It better look like ultimate custom night over there" - My chill roommate. The guitarist roommate is playing darksouls on the living room tv. The rage from that is almost calming.
Finally got an email about giving my number so I can discuss further options. Responded to that thing in a minute.
I am an adult. I can be reasonable. I am an adult. I will not yell at this man over the phone. I am an adult. I can wait for this damn phonecall.
Did I mention we got told there's going to be a showing of our house tomorrow?
I was gonna venutre out to downtown today to grab a guitar strap, new strings, meet up with a FB marketplace seller for a cd. But the snow is BAD. Again. So all of that gets to wait for another day. Or maybe a couple hours depending on how brave me and my roommate feel about venturing out to Long & McQuade anyways.
Regardless. I find myself coming back to thinking about labels. I feel like I'm always thinking about labels for one reason or the other.
I feel like I've always come at labels with a very literal approach. Whatever labels I use are for the ease of quickly delivering information to somebody else. That ain't always simple. When you're insane about definitions like I am, then you're worried about using the one that's most right for the context. But then there's also the layer of what another person will understand when you use that label. I'm probably overthinking this, but that's what this blog is for.
I think the intersection between information and comfort that labels reside in is really interesting. For example, I call myself a lesbian for the most part. Am I a woman? That's complicated, but to most people I look like one. Do I like only women? 90% sure on that one but there's also a little leeway. Am I about to explain all of that to someone when coming out? Stars no. And lesbian is the thing I feel most comfortable calling myself anyways, so really, it doesn't have to be as deep as I make it out to be.
What got me thinking about all of this today is whether or not I'd call myself a Bassist. Like by all accounts, I technically am. I play bass. I like playing bass. Bass is what I'd prefer most to play in a band if given the choice. But in conversation its not "I'm a bassist", it's "I play bass". These technically mean the same things. They do not feel like they mean the same thing. Getting called a bassist, especially by someone else with more music experience, feels like being a kid wearing a sweater 3 sizes too big. Ill fitting and awkward. I know its something I'll maybe grow into at some point, but right now it just doesn't feel quite right.
I think I'm getting there slowly. The idea of calling myself one when I was 2 months into learning was impossible, and now its almost okay. I think I conflate calling myself a bassist with calling myself a competent bassist. Because I feel far from competent. I'm just fine at bass from what I've been told, but its the whole bit about always perceiving where you're at as lower than where you actually are. Honestly I think being forced to refer to myself as one has been helping. Again, I'm not about to go on a whole spiel to explain myself and where I'm at when I call myself a bassist, and sometimes you just can't get the grammar to work, so I'm a bassist I guess.
Getting drunk with my roommates is fun. Mostly because they're good company, people I feel safe enough to be around to be silly while drunk, and cause we're all the silly sort. Highlights of the night are: - me and my cool roommate showing off our cringe anime voices - Being the dealer for a gambling game that required counting, wherein every time cards were flipped I made my engineering roommate (who was at least tipsy) do the math. They've think they might be better at math while inebriated. - very genuinely moaning in anguish just for everyone at the board game table to look at me and go "you just moaned. bro what" - hugging my bottle of soju like a wise old man
I'm a very economical drunk- that is to say, a lightweight- much to my roommates chagrin. I went through one bottle of soju and promptly passed out on the couch sometime around 11pm (we had started drinking around 8pm). I had one of those naps that made me believe 20 minutes had passed. My roommates were still awake after all and playing jackbox, it couldn't be that late. It was 3am.
I think this was the kinda reset I needed. The having a good time with my roommates without thinking about work or responsibilities, not necessarily the alcohol.
I've finally started working on that project I've got due on Tuesday. It's less intimidating now that I've started, but keeping myself motivated to keep going after I've done maybe 10% is still hard. Hence me writing this instead. ffs I'm making blobs. I wish I was joking but genuinely this is what I've been up to for the last hour and a half.
Blobs! Just blobs! This is my degree! Shapes and colors! I feel like I get stressed about the work I have to do then in the middle I come to the realization that I'm stressed about shapes and colors! It's silly!
My extended break (generous procrastination) has also featured me watching a bunch of covers from this random youtube channel. I was looking for guitar covers of Dead on Arrival by Fall Out Boy because I decided that was a fun and easy enough song to learn on guitar and found a video of these dudes covering it.
They look to be around my age, probably younger, maybe older?- I've never been good at guessing ages. Everything about it is kind of charming. The sound of someones younger sibling babbling before they start playing. The awkwardness of introducing everyone in the band. The way they're clearly having a good time playing.
I've always had a soft spot for finding random peoples small channels, the kind where it looks like they're really only posting for fun. It's weird to look at this dudes channel, the songs he's covered and think that I'd probably get along with this guy. Might at least be able to discuss favourite bands and opinions in small talk. Pretty sure my guitar is the same one he's using in some of the other covers, in the same color too, that'd be something to talk about. I feel like I've built a connection to this kid. Or at least the version of this dude that existed around 2013. Seeing that kinda threw me for a loop. That's one of the things I love about finding these kind of channels, the fact that they're like time capsules for some person that's out there somewhere who's continued on.
And bros life sure did. Some light googling found me this guys current day band and active instagram. I won't link that one, but it's not hard to find. The kid on vocals and bass in the video is also in said band which is just nice to see. I might listen to their ep, why not.
Finding small bands always fills me with a kind of joy. It's the thought that there's just so many people brought together by music, playing and having a good time. I've been thinking a lot about performing and playing music. My household has a bit going about putting together a band to play at the fuckass bar we've frequented most often just because it'd be fun to do so. We have a guitarist, a bassist, a vocalist, and (if we can get her a kit) a drummer. The plan is to do pop covers, because this fuckass bar is the straightest bar imaginable, and because the aim of it is just to have a good time. We've finally got the bit going far enough that we've got a tentative set list of songs to learn.
Do we have any clue how to actually get booked at this bar? Stars no, but I think that we're all doing this to have something fun to do. It's fun for me because it gives me a reason to learn and practice bunch of familiar songs with the hope of getting to be on a stage at some point. Songs that are more difficult than I expected because pop sure does love some funky bass. I will be drilling the hell out of Runaway baby for the next week. It's fun for everyone else because everyone just wants to perform, they've all performed on stages and in bands before. The funniest one to me in this bunch is my guitarist roommate who's main thing is death metal. Cryptopsy is his favorite band. Right now hes practicing a song from the Doom soundtrack in the living room. And he's down as hell to play pop. The band was really his idea in the first place, he just really likes performing and is willing to just have a good time about it. The juxtaposition is just kinda entertaining. But it also feels pretty lucky. I've met just enough guitarists to know the kind of haughty ones who are weird about playing certain genres.
I'm really excited to see how performing together will go when we get there. My choir roommate is really a phenomenal vocalist, and I don't get to hear her just hard committing to singing pop songs often, and I for sure haven't seen her Perform. I'm excited to see my cool roommate (as I've referred to her above) pick back up the drums, but that could also be the baby bassist in me incredibly excited at the idea of playing with a drummer.
It's all the kind of plan where nothing is set in stone, but I think its better off this way. We'll have fun and see where it goes. Who knows, maybe in a couple months I'll be posting a jam session. We'll see.
Today marks the end of the 3rd week of second semester. As I'm writing I still haven't survived all my classes for the day, but despite my week ending on my favourite class of this semester, I can't find it in myself to be excited.
I'm becoming worried about the lethargy that surrounds doing my work. I've got a project due next tuesday that I'm maybe. 50% of the way done at best. that I really feel no anxiety over. More than no anxiety, when I turn around the idea of that project in my mind I feel like I'm staring a blank spot. I really want to want to do my work. I want to be excited about this class. It's weird to feel so blank about my classes. This degree may not have been my first choice, or even one of my first considerations, but I do genuinely like the work I've gotten to do.
The guitar is not saving me. I fear I care more for learning and playing the guitar and bass than doing my work, and I've got barely enough reign on my motivations to stop myself from doing so.
Maybe it'd do me good to get one of those journal planners. I always fear buying one and doing nothing with it. I at least need to start doing some kind of time blocking to give myself the opportunity to do my work ahead of 24 hours before its due. There's nothing I hate more than the stress of that, even though I've been doing that for the better part of the entirety of my academic career.
Maybe I dislike being tired. I feel tired. Not just the not enough sleep kind, which is only partially true, but the kind that's already settled in my bones. The kind that makes the world feel molasses slow and sluggish.
Maybe I should give myself one of those days to really do nothing. A day to do nothing with no expectations of doing anything. It's hard to know when to dole out those days, because they are entirely necessary every once in awhile, but it's hard to validate to myself that they're necessary because I'll often already be on a train of not doing any work, so to make myself sit down with the expectation that I won't be doing any of it for yet another day feels stressful.
There's a guy that I did co-op work for back in grade 11 high school who I've been doing work for during the summers since. I think this old man has adopted me as a fourth child because of how long I've been working for him (It's funny to picture me as a random filipino kid at a white family gathering). I worked a few days over the winter break in his shop, and I ended up talking to him about his guitar collection in the lounge above the shop. I've been curious about it for years since I've never seen him play but there's a handful of guitar learning books scattered around the shop. I mention to him that I was planning on saving up to buy myself a guitar to start learning (it turns out songwriting isn't the easiest when bass and the memory of piano are the only instruments you know).
Cut to a couple days ago, I get a call from him. It's about work stuff, but at the end of the call he asks "did you get your guitar thing figured out?" "Nope," I reply. "Okay," he says, "do you mind also giving me your brother's number?" "Why?" "It's a surprise."
alright?! sure. Sure.
So my brother came by yesterday evening to drop off the guitar. He was funny about it. Came in with a guitar case on his shoulder, and a coldass can of sprite in the other hand. Went "this is for you" and handed me the sprite. Then gave me the guitar case after I stared at it long enough going "what the Fuck".
It's one of those things where I understood the possibility of it, but I didn't think it could actually be real. But it was incredibly real. As real as the bright red Stratocaster that was then sitting on the kitchen table. Okay. Yeah. Sure. Alright. (WHAT THE FUCK).
I spent last night getting the breakdown of some very basic things I should know about playing from my guitarist roommate (I finally understand what palm muting is!) and faffing about with the guitar. Got to experience the hell that is pulling off new knobs, and manoeuvring the plastic off of the pickguard without taking the strings off. I can now play about 4 chords and with neither finesse nor confidence switching between them.
My guitarist roommate seems delighted to have another instrument in the house. Said me having a guitar now makes him want to actually commit to renting out an electric drum kit. I really have to give that roommate a lot of credit, because his encouragement is what really kept me practicing bass during first semester. While I was trying to see if I could cleanly switch between strumming A and A minor, he points across the room to me from the kitchen going, "That's good! You've got strings ringing out! That's further than some people get!" That doesn't exactly fill me with confidence, really just makes me more concerned about the people he's met. Told him as such. And he argues back to "consider how long it consider someone with absolutely no musical experience to go from zero to where you are now." Which. Yeah. I can't argue with that. It's really nice to have someone else reminding you that even the small steps are still big achievements. It makes me feel really optimistic about learning guitar.
Really I'm just excited for when it stops feeling like the strings are cutting into my fingers. You would think my fingers would be more durable from bass but nope! I think my finger strength from bass carries over, but stars I want my fingers to hurt less while pressing down the top strings.
Weirdly I think having the guitar will also force me to practice bass more too. There was such a satisfaction switching from the guitar to my bass and remember that I can in fact play songs on a bass. It's like a consistent reminder of what I'm trying to work up to.
I'm genuinely so excited to go home and practice. I've been thinking about it since I left home this morning. Think I've finally settled on a name for it too: Trickshot, short for Trica Von Trese. Because me playing guitar feels like a kind of unlikely and impossible thing for me to pull off. Trica Von Trese is just because it sounds nice and silly, and Von is my reference to the one who is Professionally referred to as Patrick Vaughn Stump-- because of course it has to tangentially be related to Fall Out Boy somehow, this is me we're dealing with.
Can't believe I've managed to give my instruments peterick names. Jeez.
Note: This guy does actually have a professional middle name. Like his legal name is Patrick Martin Stumph but on any song credits he's listed as Patrick Vaughn Stump. It's a reference to his mothers maiden name apparently, which is sweet, but also. Professional Middle Name.
There's something really funny to me about using a tutorial from 2011 to learn to style a side bang (not Funny as in haha, but funny when I mean to say interesting and amusing but that's too many words to say and makes for a bad opener). There's something to be said about the cyclical nature of fashion in the way I envy the striped off the shoulder top of the girl in the video while I'm wearing a lace cami under an early 2000s old navy vest I bought secondhand in the year 2026.
The tutorial was great by the way, my bangs finally don't look chopped. I will be carrying this information with me.
But this brings me to the dilemma(?) I've been having. I enjoy how I dress as of late (since september), how I dress has been feeling very authentic to myself, very comfortable to me. How I dress also looks straight out of the 2000s most days. Or so I've been told by my roommates and friends. My best friend has been having a joy of a time telling me what exact year I seem to be emulating when I meet him in class. It's always landed somewhere around 2002 - 2005.
I know for certain that I'm not actually dressing in perfect emulation of the 2000s because that was never my goal in the first place. I enjoy a lot of the stylings, and find that I like the way a lot of the silhouettes and patterns sit on me. I think I actually look good with a side bang. But all of this is getting infused with my sensibilities that have been shaped by the current day. I wear a carabiner on my hip daily. I really enjoy the modern understanding of a low rise jean that hits just about to below my belly button. And I'm still not entirely sold on skinny jeans.
But despite all of that, despite all logic, I still fear that I've fallen prey to trend and emulation and that in reality none of this is authentic. Which is Stupid.
Perceptions are bullshit. Have you ever seen the Gall Peters map projection? I just learned about that today. This is an equal area map projection, wherein the sizes of the landmasses are much more accurate than the Mercator projection, which is the one that's shown in schools. Nothing is the size you think it is.
In my head these 2 things were connected but I think I just wanted to inflict the Gall Peters map projection on other people.
I think today's lesson for myself is fuck perceptions, if I'm happy with how I'm dressed then that's what matters. And that the continent of Africa is really fucking big.
Truth be told, while doing something other than doomscolling is what brought me to starting a blog, the thing that's kept me here is procrastination. I started this blog right at the beginning of the second week of my semester, which may not be the greatest thing in the interest of being an academic weapon.
I think I'm still just trying to get out of the winter break mindset of just doing nothing, but at the same time my brain just isn't latching to my classes the way it was before. Which is weird because it's not like I hate all my classes. I've got 2 classes on information design which is a field I find really interesting and was genuinely excited for previously. I never really latched onto my social science class so I'm not worried about that, and I thankfully don't have any homework for my elective dance class so I'm not worried about that one either. The only class I actually hate is my UI/UX class but thats just because I hate having to do research for UI/UX projects. User research. Horrid.
Regardless, the idea of doing my classwork just kind of feels like its sloughing off my head like a wet carpet on ice. I think that's how the physics of that would work out. Is it time to go back to considering an ADHD diagnosis? Maybe! Could it be that I just need to try harder, whatever that means? Also probably maybe! I don't know! I want to do work, and I want to want to do work, but the idea of doing any of that just won't come to the front of my mind.
But we live. We go on. We ball. And we keep doing anything but my goddamn work. I really hope this doesn't keep up.
Other than that, life has been chill. Finally figured out how to do my makeup and hair in a way I like which is a great confidence boost. The outfits have been good. The thrift was kind to me. Playing and listening to music continues to be fun, and I may have a guitar in my future? Who knows!
Another week, another promise I'll do better. Another 7 days of holding out on the hope that promise stays true.
The benefit of zoom class in the wake of a snowstorm is that I can play bass while listening to the lecture. Gives me something to fiddle with so I don't feel like exploding 20 minutes in.
I don't think I've been practicing enough since the new year if the length of my fingernails is anything to go by. I started playing bass in august of last year, so its been a little over 5 months. I'm not an exceptional player, but I can keep time, my fretting isn't atrocious, and give me a week and I can probably learn a simple song. My guitarist roommate (whose credentials include being able to play the entirety of Justice For All by Metallica and a lot of death metal) says I'm better than a lot of bassists he's known in bands. That gives me no confidence, that just makes me concerned about the bassists he's met.
The goal right now is to get some new songs in the repertoire. Said guitarist roommate recommended I learn a Black Sabbath song, and I very much want to get at least one Metallica song under my belt. N.I.B. seems like a fun time to learn, and I'm thinking either Seek and Destroy or Creeping Death. Creeping Death specifically because I think its the one that pisses off said roommate because its way easier on bass than guitar. I'm currently learning Obstacle 1 by Interpol, which is really fun since both me and the guitarist roommate enjoy playing Interpol. I also really want to revisit Love On The Other Side by Fall Out Boy since its the first song I learned on bass and a recent convo with one of my other roommates has me wanting to relearn it.
I should probably get back into doing proper fretting exercises too. Just maybe.
Today was supposed to be for sidequests, travel an ungodly amount of time by bus for a CD drive, listen through a couple albums, get kimchi, go to a craft store for some projects.
Instead, I woke up to at least a foot and a half of snow everywhere.
Truthfully, not super miffed about it. I had stayed up pretty late with 5/6 of my roommates the night before just talking around our "new" dinner table (it wasn't new by any means, but we had moved it so it could be properly used as a dinner table and it's been a wonderful quality of life update). It was really nice, the lot of us don't have schedules that line up well, so its rare that we've all been together just to chat, and especially without any visiting friends. We were talking through the logistics of an insane scenario, which eventually fizzled into general conversation after roommate number #6 came downstairs to tell us to quiet down so she could sleep. It's the kind of moment I know I'm sure to forget the details of, but I'll always feel the effects of. The feeling of upgrading the group social link, the reminder that I lucked out with the people in my household, my friends.
So really, not too miffed about having a snow day.
I wish I could say it was a lazy day but I had decided bright and early (11am) that it was the perfect day to finally get around to some crafts and mending that I've been needing to do. Patterning and listening to the albums I had planned to listen to on my bus ride while the room was bright with sun shining off the snow was a very nostalgic mood. The listens were as follows:
Commit This to Memory by Motion City Soundtrack My best friend (and sole bandmate) listened through this album and told me it is now one of the bands main influences. As it should be, this albums slaps! Its upbeat, but not entirely happy, melancholy at most, but bright in feeling overall. It makes a very "everything's gonna get better" mood.
Time to Pretend by MGMT I know nothing about MGMT but it was mentioned a couple days ago (Thanks Peach!) and I decided why not, I like trying new bands on a whim. I did not realize I knew some of these songs. This was the sound of childhood. I'm not even sure I heard these songs during my childhood, but it sure as hell felt like it. This ones staying in my library.
Through Being Cool by Saves the Day I've been meaning to listen to this one for awhile. This album was cited as a major inspiration for Fall Out Boys Take This to Your Grave so I've been curious about it. I love TTTYG, so I'm guaranteed to at least have a good time with this one. It is so odd to hear the exact points of inspiration of an album I love through this album. Bits and pieces where I go "that's just like the thing from the thing!" Because it was absolutely the way the thing on TTTYG came to be.
Got some good listens in, learned how to use my roommates sewing machine, made some patches to repair my favourite pairs of pants with, made myself a belt bag so I can finally stop worrying about my phone when I wear an outfit with a skirt (that's also big enough for my Walkman!), learned how to sew a button, and finally got around to DIYing pins from the bottle caps I've had in my pencil case for over a year.
At some point my roommates also settled into the living room and we watched American Psycho, and as I type we've got Guardians of the Galaxy playing.
Feels right that the day after I ramble about my CD collection that I get this beauty in the mail! Oh thank you random man from France selling this for cheap.
It’s also just hit me, like really settled in my bones hit me, that Patrick Stump and Joe Trohman in this photo aren’t much older than I am. I knew the timeline, I’m a big enough fanatic to know the lore, but theres something different about staring their photo in the eyes and seeing someone not so far from me. Still, pretty far from me, stars know I can’t play guitar and I’m 40% of a good vocalist on a good day, but they’re not that far off from some kid who wants to play music.
Gotta make sure the disc works alright (yippieee!!!!)
I fear that going analogue will become another whim for me, but I also hold a lot of home that it will become something more permanent in my life.
It was quite accidental that I started going analogue. In 2024 I was interested in getting a digi cam because it seemed like a fun novelty and a couple of my friends had them, but never ended up getting one myself. Funnily enough I still down own a digicam, but I am now in proud possession of a CD Walkman.
I started collecting CDs on accident too. It started with tracking down a CD of Billy Talent 3 for a friends birthday gift. He'd been collecting all their albums on CD with 2 missing, one of which was the album they released under the name they had before Billy Talent- which Stars no I'm not tracking that down its horribly rare- and the other was their 3rd album, aptly named Billy Talent 3. I took to Facebook Marketplace to search, and since I was doing this a week before my friend was planning on visiting, time was of the essence. I find someone selling the first three Billy Talent albums together and someone selling just Billy Talent 3, still in the plastic. Score! I send messages to both of them, and the one selling the collection gets back to me first. After a total of 80 minutes on the bus later, I get back from picking up the collection just to get a message back from the other seller. Well. Shit. It'll make a better gift, so another trip it is. I get a friend of a friend to drive me there to pick it up and now I've got the CD I was hoping to gift my friend, and 3 more that I've got no reason to give away, and I'm not really upset about it.
I actually really like Billy Talent, the friend in question being the one who got me into them, and as a bit of a design and printing nerd, I was happy to own physical copies of the CDs to be able to look at the layout of the booklets and all of the printed parts of this physical media. However, I didn't own anything I could play them with, so they sat alone in my room as design ephemera until late last year.
Its October. Me and my best friend go to the official release party for the final release of the new Hayley Williams album. My best friends been keeping me up with all of the lore surrounding the album, and I'm invested. Of course, this release party is hosted by a record store, and I end that night with 2 albums in my hands. One of them was the Hayley Williams album in question, Ego Death at a Bachlorette Party because my best friend didn't realize that the complementary tote bag that was advertised with the event only came with a purchase of the album which my best friend wasn't interested in keeping, and the other being So Much (for) Stardust by Fall Out Boy. I'd gotten one hell of a hyper-fixation on Fall Out Boy that August (which is still going strong!) and Stardust was (and still is) one of my favourite albums of theirs. This then launched me into collecting the rest of the Fall Out Boy albums, and ending up with a couple other interesting ones along the way.
So of course, one cannot own CDs without any way to play them, so when my Facebook Marketplace gave me a listing for a good condition CD Walkman, I jumped on it. Owning CDs also got me into learning how to download them so I could listen to them on my phone, and further into learning how to pirate albums.
ANYWAYS. This has been a very roundabout way to talk about the joy of going analogue and owning media. Streaming sucks and doesn't do shit for the artist. AI music is on Spotify and that's terrifying. There's a beauty to opening a CD case, looking through the booklet, looking at the graphics, and wondering what the though process behind it all was. Not all of it is traditionally beautiful graphic design, most of it is pretty subpar, with some really interesting horrible outliers, but regardless its something interesting to think about. Listening to music on my Walkman takes time. If I'm gonna take it out with me for a trip I need to choose which CDs I'm taking with me, consider how long my trip will be, how many CDs I'll get through, what mood I'm in that day. I need to finagle to skip a track, pausing being a just a little more inconvenient but not impossible. I have to take time to switch out the CDs, make a new choice that takes more effort than a click. There's something fun about the inconvenience, about living through the steps that were made to be skipped by the time I came to in this world.
I've been really enjoying finding CDs at thrift stores and giving them a chance. Just recently found out that I enjoy Cage the Elephant, or at least their second album, for the low cost of 2 dollars and tax. And sure I could've found this out for free, listened to them on a streaming site, but I don't think I would've ever gotten there in the first place. The choice to take that CD home with me, knowing it'll be entering my collection means I have to give it a try, I can't just ignore it on my shelf. I still find plenty of new music (as in new to me) online, but I'm really enjoying exploring the other routes of finding things. About letting things pop up naturally, about seeing where curiosity leads me. And especially by going to local shows and seeing whats being made. Stars I love live music. That's a different ramble though.
My favourite find of recent have been Demi Lovato's "HOLY FVCK". I've never really been a close follower of her career but goddamn that's a good time of an album.
I've tried tumblr, got lonely about it, got sad on it. Felt too private and I had too big ideals. Found myself more awkward online than in person and yelling into the void wasn't satisfying enough. I've now got a discord server with friends that acts as a sort of private site for the lot of us. We have channels we call "rooms" dedicated to a person so they can complain, or share cool things, or talk about whatever in the safe view of all 10ish people who are alive there (but really its the view of the 2-3 people who actually read everything). Anyways. That servers been scratching my itch of complaining and wanting to be seen about it, but I kind of miss the public void. Miss having a spot to archive what I've been up to and what I'm doing. And this seems like the better place for it than tumblr or a server. Means I can have a place to do it without it being muddled with reblogs or conversations in between, which makes the organized archivist in me quite happy.
What am I doing with this blog?
Truth be told. Not a clue. Will probably be rambling about my interests and hyper-fixations-- which currently consists of Fall Out Boy, bass, fashion, music, craft projects, and typography-- and complaining about a lot more too. I'm a uni student, there's always plenty to complain about it. Especially about my fuckass landlord (who btw, just sent an email yesterday asking us to confirm whether or not we wanted to renew our lease 3 days from then. which we're pretty sure is illegal in Canada). I'll talk about stuff here so I don't have to subject my 6 roommates to it, which I don't think will actually stop them from being subjected to my rambles but this will probably be a pretty good alternative outlet!
I'm also hoping this becomes a resource of text for me. I'm studying graphic design and while I rarely do any design work out of class, I'm hoping to change that this year. My issue is that I never have copy- text that can be used in a design- so I'm hoping starting a blog of rambles will effectively create myself a resource for that and I can actually start making stuff in my off time. Stars know my portfolio needs it.
With that, I'm Amuro and
✶✧★ Welcome to the (Sh)It Boy Show ★✧✶
Thank you Mothclub for bringing to my attention that I can, in fact, do this!
