Crush? More Like Crushing It. And By It I Mean- (HEAD RAT YOU WERE RIGHT)

So uh. I have a girlfriend now. Holy shit I have a girlfriend now. Oh Fuck. Oh Fuck. 

Before we go into it I'd like to thank my best friend in believing in me (and taking credit for the whole thing), the entirety of my household who's been listening to me crash out, everyone who was at my end of sem drinking party yesterday giving me advice, and of course, my crush who started being forward which gave me enough confidence to actually just confess. 

I don't wanna go into the fully gritty details because honestly, I kind of want to keep some of that for myself. But long story short after a whole day of texting during the deadest shift of my short work-study career, a party that left me a little drunk and a whole lot tired, and a conversation with her that was a little bit flirty, that got me the confidence to send a pretty forward text before passing out that led into a pretty forward conversation the next morning (today).

And now I have a girlfriend. (HOLY FUCK)

We had a pretty long conversation about wants, boundaries, all that good stuff. Turns out she's had a crush on me since around the beginning of the year, and has probably been flirting with me since mid march. Only been conscious of herself flirting for like the last couple days though. Which. Oh Stars. This woman was sent from hell to torture me I think. 

AND SHES NOW ACTIVELY TORTURING ME. FOR FUN! I HAVE AN ESSAY TO FINISH BY TOMORROW. (I say this very affectionately but Stars I'm learning why people can't focus when they like someone and all that. My roommates all say I'm quite warm and I think its because I've spent most of this day blushing with my heart beating out of my chest. So glad I don't visibly blush.) 

I also gave her my blog to read so she's caught up on the length of my suffering. She likes my writing which is nice. She also evidently really likes me, which is really nice. She finds what I think is one of my saddest crush writings to be her favourite, which I guess I won't argue if shes the one compliment it. 

Am I terrified of everything because I'm completely out of my depth? Yes. Am I gonna let myself be happy despite that? Also yes. Because love is beautiful and should be enjoyed, or whatever that voice that sounds like my best friend is telling me in my head.  

Anyways. Party I threw yesterday went really successfully. I'm carrying my tradition from the end of last semester of hosting a Day-Drinking party with people from my major. It's day drinking because the first time we were doing it right after the end of our last class which ended around noon or afternoon and a lot of my friends are commuters who had to have enough time to get home. So day-drinking! Despite being a sad drunk who was using my crush situation as entertainment for my friends (who doesn't love trying to fix the love life of a drunk girl), it was overall a really good time. I really love getting to hang with these people a final time before summer. They're also remarkably well behaved, even when really intoxicated, which is greatly appreciated. 

Now I've got that essay to finish. For Friday. Oh man. I'm making progress at least. 

Would also be nice if my meds weren't somehow kicking my ass more, but I guess you can't have everything.  

 

I am a God of Self Control.  I am a God of Self Control. I am a God of Self Control. 

 

New Meds Are Kicking My Ass

They're not technically new meds, just an upped dose of my meds. Regardless they are kicking my ass. 
    It used to just be heightened anxiety, but since I started my upped dose on Sunday its been pretty rough. Pulling an all-nighter that day too didn't help. And the fact that a side effect of my meds is insomnia, so I couldn't sleep at all that day even if I wanted to. 

I felt more high than actually being high. I was admitting embarrassing shit to my best friend. My best friend was also talking me out of doing embarrassing shit. 
    Its really weird actually being relatively aware of myself me high out of my mind, because I think generally I maintain a high level of awareness when inebriated. I could feel how I was just generally more willing to say anything. I would also cry at absolutely anything. Did I mention I also got my period that day too? Insane cocktail of things happening today. 

3rd day on the upped dose (and an actual amount of sleep) is going just alright. I'm still getting a bit high and woozy from the meds and I've currently got a headache but its not as bad as yesterday. My roommate remarked that I seem generally happier so maybe that's the meds working in some way? Who knows. I won't know for another week probably. The fun thing is not knowing whats a side effect from my meds, and whats happening to me because of my period. Cause I wanna say the headache is from my period, but honestly its hard to tell. Generally I have a little less coordination- I feel like I'm texting like I usually do when I'm drunk. Here's to hoping it all works out. 

Anyways- Going out to the lesbian event went well! Even if I think I sprained my ankle from it. Which has been sucking. But regardless. This shitboy made out with 3 women!! I had my first kiss! I was also probably the most drunk I've ever been in my life. I had a lot of fun. Here's everything I think I learned: 
-  Good underwear does so much for my confidence
- Jello shots are evil. They are absolutely the easiest way to get hammered without really thinking about this. Jello shot cocktail of liquid jello shot, set jello shot, and Smirnoff ice is also incredibly evil. 
- drinking 3/4 of a bottle of soju and chugging equivalent to 2 shots before going into the event is also an insane move
- I don't know if its just mouth that tastes bad or if its tasting the alcohol in people mouths. The physical sensation of kissing is pretty cool tho. 
- I am fucking Whipped for my crush. On my 3rd kiss I had the passing though of "this is nice, wonder if it would be better kissing someone I liked". It's over for me.  
- I think I now how a practical understanding of what it means for me to be aromantic (more or less) but not asexual.  It's interesting finally having the data to understand it. 

Last thing to leave off on is that I made a project based on my blog for school! It was for information design. I created an abstraction of my first 2 months of blogging to track my visible emotions and how I personally felt when writing each post. Its pretty visibly a rough time. 

 

 

Love, Selfish Love (The Whole World is Jumping Off The Bridge)

 Going out to the lesbian event with my roommates tonight! Win! 

I have to work on an essay that's like technically overdue but its chill because the prof doesn't care. Mildly stressful but not bad. I believe I'll be able to get work on it done. 

I am thinking about my drunk actions last night. Horrific. Embarrassing. Pathetic. 

I went to a potluck last night, hosted by my chill roomies girlfriend. Technically its a trans potluck, but its really just friends of my roomies girlfriend (which is still majority trans people). 
    Wonderful event. Fun people. I made pasta with my mothers bolognese sauce. It was a hit. I didn't touch it during the potluck because the host made homemade vermicelli and it was a religious experience. 

My first mistake might have been drinking a beer because I wanted to try PBR and someone brought a case as their potluck contribution. And half of my best friends beer because they didn't like it. And then a swig of tequila. And another healthy swig of tequila for the way back because I was under-dressed for the weather. Not enough alcohol to have given me a hangover, I'm chilling right now, but definitely enough alcohol to have me acting in ways I find embarrassing and sad. 

Did I mention my crush was part of the group of friends that went to the potluck? 

Did we spend pretty much half of that night cuddled up, her leaning into me with my arms around her? Yes. She even pulled one of my arms closer so she could lean her head on it. I buried my face into the top of her head at one point. Didn't quite kiss it, but its the closest I'd let myself be. 

Did she give me her sweater for the trip home because I was woefully under dressed for the cold and carry my leftover pasta the whole way home? Also yes. She even remarked that it looked like it fit me, not in the physical sense because I was swimming in it, but because it was matching my black shoes, black fishnets, and the black headphones my best friend let me wear on the way home because I was getting overstimulated. Also said something about "I'd let you keep it" that I think was her badly phrasing letting me wear it the whole way back to my place but my stupid tipsy little heart was fucking running with it. 

Did she also let me sleep on her shoulder for the whole bus ride + subway home? Yes. And I lied about being dizzy so I could hold onto her shoulder on the walks between transfers and on the final walk home because I'm a selfish pathetic drunk. 

Did she also tell me that she was planning on chilling for a bit and leaning on me when we got back to my place? Yes. And we ended up cuddling on the couch for awhile before she decided to reposition take a nap on me, with her head on my lap, for an hour. She stayed until 2 am before heading back to her place.

Of course this isn't the whole story. There are enough moments in between to stomp on my heart and keep it down, but these are all the moments that keep replaying in my mind. 

My friends and roommates are also in the living room right now as I write this out and listening to a playlist on the TV. The song that plays to that animation trend about being together in every universe just started playing. I feel destroyed. 

I already had a good cry because I feel embarrassed playing it all back in my mind. My best friend sent me a text before he came over about having questions about the way I was getting cozy with the crush last night and I ran through the whole conversation that would probably happen where I explain myself and then I had to just sit with my own responses. I sounded pathetic.  

I wasn't so far gone that I forgot anything from last night. That's quite the problem. I remember everything. I remember the way I was thinking. I remembering choosing to be selfish the whole way back because I was tipsy, and could say I was tipsy, and my crush is exceptionally kind. 

At least I have some regular drunk behaviour to be a normal kind of embarrassed about. Mostly the fact that when we were walking the final stretch to my place it was way colder and I was making some insane noises because I really didn't like the feeling. That I know was a drunk thing because I usually want to make those noises but I'm good at clamping it down when not inebriated. 

What isn't helping all of this horrificness is the amount of work that is still left to do for my classes and my landlord pressuring us into resigning our lease early or else we lose getting a solid discount on our rent. And two of my roommates, the roommates that have because some of my favourite people in the house by virtue of being the most comforting presences, are the most unsure about resigning because they don't think they can afford to live here next year, even with the rent discount. Every time stuff about the house comes up in conversation I think I lose the ability to speak. The anxiety of it all keeps getting to me. Not quite being at the end of the weening period of my new meds isn't helping either. Might actively be making it worse. 

Its rough out here. I'm not entirely sure about going out tonight. But I know I will anyways, because we've been hyping it up for weeks and I am genuinely excited. 

 

My cool rommate did my horoscope a couple days ago. It said my next few days will be horrible, especially if I was in a relationship. Explicitly said I shouldn't try to get into one either. Said today would go well for me though. 

I've never been one to believe in astrology, but it's something to hold onto, isn't it? 

I Wouldn't Know What A Gentlemen Prefers, I'm Not Into Men Nor the Gentle Sort

I seem to be on a sudden weird kick for old movies. I finished watching My Fair Lady, and I've just started Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. 

My Fair Lady was one hell of a ride of a movie. And I'm like. Not entirely sure what my takeaway from it should be. Like. Henry Higgins fucking sucks. That guy was horrid. And its like. He kind of comes around? But it feels like too little too late. I will say I was watching on what ended up being a much busier shift than I anticipated, so maybe constantly starting and stopping in the middle obfuscated information that would make it all come together. 

Regardless it was a fun time of a movie. I'm not much of a movie critic, I'm pretty simple about movies. What gets me interested is thinking about the production of it. And this movie was a beautiful production. I think that's the thing that's got me interested in watching old movies--thinking about how it was all put together. How movies are made has kind of drastically changed since then--a lot of things have drastically changed since--and so to peek back into this world is fascinating. After Gentlemen Prefer Blondes I might do a deep dive into older movie production. We'll see. 

In other news, I think I'm getting over my crush okay. My heart feels like a pendulum the way it goes back and forth in believe there could still be a lingering chance, but logically I know there isn't. What I do also know for sure is that if my crush ends up with a girlfriend in the next month, I will become a monster. She keeps making jokes about wanting one and its driving me a tad insane. I'll get through. Surely. 

I'm pretty much in my last week of classes and projects to turn in. Luckily no exams, so once all of this is over and in I'm done. Despite having a lot left to do, I don't feel stressed. Which is pretty worrying. I really should feel stressed about doing more, but sincerely I barely feel motivation to do most things. 

The win for today is that I'm almost a month on anti depressants! They've been making my anxiety generally worse, but I hoping it starts looking up after this month. I've been getting weened on them on a does below the regular, so I'm really hoping it works out. 

I hope it all works out. Thinking about the future has felt like getting a weight dropped on me.  

Cry Like In a Movie

 At what point do I get stressed about the amount of anxiety my new meds? Because I started at a 1(lowest out of 10), got to a 10 in the first week, and now we're settled around a 4 that's a 6 on bad days. Today was one of those bad days.

Usually waking up early yields productive days for me. I woke up at 6 am. Actually was awake and out of bed by 8 am. Had a lovely, slow, quiet morning. The quiet is probably what did me in. Thinking about starting my work was like feelings needles prickle. So I didn't. Told myself there was still time in the day before I'd have to start. Went on a walk, came back and had lunch. Had a nap on the couch. Had a panic attack. It got better, but I don't think it's fully gone away. I've just been avoiding the main stressor. That continues to make me feel stressed.  

I binged an anime instead: Villainess Level 99: I May Be the Hidden Boss but I'm Not the Demon Lord. It is as silly as it sounds. The main character is hilariously oblivious and blunt, so despite what should be high stakes, it felt like watching a slice of life. It was only 12 episodes, and the plot progresses pretty quickly, so it was a really nice light watch.

Now I'm trying to hold back from crying listening to Moisturizer by Wet Leg. I found their tiny desk performance. It was lovely. I'd know of the band for awhile but never dedicatedly listened to them. My first mistake was going in knowing it was an album about being in love. 
    I thought I was doing pretty well on the whole crush front. Listened through the entirety of my best friends playlist and moped. Focused on other things. Texted the crush in question as usual with the complete comfort of knowing that we're just friends. Nothing could have prepared me for love songs. Sweet, sappy love songs about dedication and being domestic. That's what got me. I kept looking at the lyrics to the songs. I don't usually do that when listening to music- I focus more on sound than anything else. Those lyrics kept stabbing me right in the heart.

Now I still feel the rolling boil of anxiety. I feel sick to my stomach. My stomach also just doesn't feel great. Eating has been difficult. I think I've lost weight. It's nice to fit into that one pair of shorts but I don't think that makes the rest of this worth it. I need to start working on this project because I'm too paranoid to work on this project tomorrow. My crush is visiting. That project involves print outs of this blog. Why did I do this to myself. 

Detox, Avoid Retox, Because Theres No Chance At Love

And just like that. The crush saga is over. It feels almost underwhelming. 

    My best friend did reconnaissance. There is no chance. There is nothing there. She's just an affectionate and caring friend. She's not crushing on anyone and when she does it's been happening less. I'm not even her type. I know from here on out that I can start to get over it. 

    It hurts more than I thought it would, but I shouldn't be surprised because I've been holding onto this for the better part of half a year. It physically hurts. My chest feels empty. My stomach hurts. My best friend and crush were talking about meeting women and going out to bars and it hurts. Its an unfortunate choice of topic that's hitting me like a ice pick through the soul. It's funny that it feels like I'm actively going through it more than my best friend who just broke up with his boyfriend, but it hurts. I was trying to not cry on the couch we’re all sitting on as she asks if I'm okay. I lied and said it was a headache. Exposure too soon in a too open wound. Salted and twisted, a perfect recipe for pain. 

It’ll be over soon. I’ll get over it soon. I know I can.

    It’s funny that today I relistened to The Rise and Fall of a Midwest Princess by Chappell Roan. Felt a kind of elation singing along to Red Wine Supernova. 

    I almost wish I could’ve had the joy for a little bit longer. I feel like it burned so slow until it lit into a raging fire and that was promptly doused. 

    I’ve decided that if I do tell her, I won’t do it until fourth year. I  think that will be enough time for me to be far away from it.  

- 

So all of that was written yesterday- about right after it happened, but before my crush left and I decided an costume change was in order. Nothing is fixed with a better outfit, but it sure as hell helps. And I think it did. Micro shorts, thigh highs and a crop top do wonders for my self confidence. That and my house allies getting back from watching a movie. They walked into the living room, took in the slutty outfit as I went, "this is my grieving outfit" and filled them in on everything they've missed. 

    Honestly I think the best part of this whole crush saga is just the feeling of community that's come from all of it. Communally lamenting over our varying relationship woes, sharing and bonding and lifting each other up where we need it. At some point we got to talking about pick-up lines and I got to try a couple on the room. What I've learned is 1. Me and my best friend are so fucking platonic its beautiful (I aimed one line towards him and it was just as weird and neutral for both of us), and 2. I can be a little bit smooth with it (I had one good one off the cuff). My choir roommate has also given me full permission to practice on her, and while I don't know how much use I'll be getting out of that, it's nice to know I can. 

    My one thought waking up this morning is that if I look at this whole thing from an outside perspective, it kinda feels like I'm giving up pretty quickly. Like yeah, first sign of it not being able to work out, and a relatively indirect one at that. But I think that's okay. Most of my crush was fuelled by possibility, burning brighter because we were coincidentally getting closer at the same time. Knowing that its gone from "Unlikely but its up in the air" to "Pretty unlikely for sure" is really comforting. It helps me temper my expectations. Sure, some conversation topics will probably be a little sore for the next while--topics that are unfortunately popular ones right now because we're reaching the end of the semester and everyone's becoming a little desperate to party and meet new people--but I can move on knowing that I just was reading things wrong. Will my weak little heart still beat whenever she treats me a little different because we're good friends? Yes probably, but I can lean on knowing that its because we're good friends and that nothing will come of it. And I value friendship above all, that's why I've been going through hell with this crush because I refused to give up a friendship by pulling away from it so I could temper myself. 

    Truthfully, I think there's a good chance I break and tell her earlier than 4th year that I had this crush. Asides from the general idea of her going out to meet other women hurting, the most painful part of that convo yesterday was hearing her put herself down about her chances. I wanted to shake her so badly and scream "You can pull!!! You can absolutely pull! You fucking had me for months!!!!". I stg in the next year if she gets worse about putting herself down in that way I will actually snap and tell her for the ego boost and flattery.

    My best friend made a heartbreak playlist and shared it with me. So I think I'll be listening to that for awhile. And a lot of Fall Out Boy. He said he'd also make a slutty playlist that he'd share to me, so I'm excited for that. The boost will be necessary. I really am excited for that lesbian event after this month is over. Stars know I need it after all of this.  

Doomsday Prepping to Get My Sleep Back

I’m in hell. Having allies in the house is a beautiful thing. 

Yet another day of hanging out with my crush with extra insane moments including:

- “I would do anything you asked” (turns out this was in terms of makeup n gender shit but you understand how that would be an insane thing to hear)

- a one on one conversation about crushes, and how she does really like girls, wants to date a lesbian or a transgirl or a girl with some trans experience, how shes hopeful about hitting it off with an autistic girl  (LIKE ME. ALL LIKE ME. MY LESBIAN GENDER FUCKERY AUTISTIC ASS. LIKE ME) 

- i only got clarification of the “i’d do anything you asked” because I asked clarification hours later and when she rightfully starts asking me “why are you asking? what were you thinking?” i have to save face like “I dunno thats a lot of trust to give me I wouldnt trust myself” and shes like “I’d do anything you asked short of crying” WHICH??????? THATS THE BAR????? (Mind you this is the girl that was pitching that I find a fwbs, befriend someone and “keep the option open” as the solution to my awkwardness about hooking up)

- I was telling her about the lesbian event im going to with some of my roomies and shes asking about the day and saying “tell me when if is for sure and maybe i can tag along. If you end up alone we, can be alone together”. WHICH. ????????????. Im losing it I think

I got to debrief this with my Best Friend, and my 2 allies in the Jolly House (who internally I’ve been calling the Leo Coalition bc we’re all leos struggling in love rn). Whats come of this is some interestingly varied advice from my roomies (and my cool roomies gf who was also there), no clear verdict on whether or not she likes me back, the overall agreement that I’m Fucked, and the confirmation that my best friend is gonna do recon for me—straight up ask my crush (they're also friends) if either she likes me or would even consider me. It sounds kind of forward but I NEED peace of mind. I’ve had the roughest nights of sleep 2 nights in a row because I keep Thinking About It. I genuinely feel like I’m going insane. It is crunch time right now, I can’t be living like this for the sake of my academics.

Stay tuned on the Shitshow that is my love life!!!!

My Heads in Heaven, My Soul's In Hell (Melty Land Dreamscape)

Latest news on the crush saga: 2 of my roommates now know my plight! 

It turns out that months ago when I had told my roommates, they've (Choir and Cool) been trying to figure out who it is out of sheer curiosity.  I found it really funny. 

We ended up debriefing together- I explained my whole timeline while they told me everything they had tried to figure it out, including asking me questions about my type weeks ago for evidence to narrow down the pool. Like seriously I cannot understate, they were going fucking insane about it. It was hilarious to me. 

Anyways feels befitting that the day after that is the day I feel fucking delusional. I'm about to get embarrassing on main but if not here, then where else? Anyways. So. Crush visits, we're hanging in the living room, its chill. Another one of my roommates is down there with her laptop out, we're talking D&D, its wonderful. After like hours of chilling, some actual work being done, I make food (a plate of small baked potatoes), get through 2 bites, sit back down. 
    We're sitting next to each other because again, chill. She's clearly been getting sleepy and has been curled up to nap, doing the "resting your head in a way that you can still look at the TV" kinda thing. Once I settle back into the couch after putting my plate down, she resettles and her head is ON. MY. SHOULDER. FUCK! I'm not even kidding I'm smiling so fucking wide and hoping my roommate that's sitting across from me doesn't look up from her laptop. I'm not even kidding any hunger I had in that moment resolved. It's like when a cat settles on you. You're not allowed to move anymore. You just aren't. I'm so afraid if I shift wrong she's gonna move off me. 
    And I'm right, I shift a little and her head is back up checking her phone. It's fine. It's fine. I get a couple more bites of food in. It's chill. I settle back down. SHE SETTLES BACK INTO ME. I'm putting a new video on the TV as I'm holding back from actively texting my best friend about this. I'm so glad my phone was out of reach. I hear one of my roommates that know enter. I'm pretending to be asleep so I can avoid making eye contact with her in case she shoots me a look. 

I know this probably doesn't mean anything. We're just hit a new level of comfort now. I've been curling into her like a cat since before I realized I had this stupid fucking crush. It makes sense. She probably still thinks I'm entirely aromantic. It's fine. I can now lean into her and just steal her laptop to make proper edits, its lovely. We've moved on to mutual platonic cuddling and now I get to feel horrid about feeling more than platonic. Its fine. It's dandy. She said shes probably gonna visit tomorrow too. It's fineeeeee.

I'm trying to ride out the joys and the highs before it inevitably comes crashing down. I told the roommates that Know now that if I get some kind of confirmation that we're just. Not compatible. in Some way, I can probably put my feelings away. And I think that's true. But right now, my heart just keeps clinging onto hope. My heads going haywire with fantasies. Truly I'm feeling pathetic about it all. 

Be still my beating heart.  

Lesbian night with the roommates that Know after this month is gonna go insane. Gotta get this outta my system. 

The Story Changes (A Rock Band Did Save My Life!)

Last Night a Rock Band Saved My Life - The Story Changes 

Life's not been horrid.  

I got lunch with my mom and my brother yesterday, AYCE sushi at a place behind city hall. It was lovely, I'm glad I got to spend some time with them because I know I won't be visiting home for the rest of this month with all of my final projects wrapping up. 

On the way out from that, I decided to not immediately take the subway home- walk off the lunch and visit a nearby accessory shop. I had an item I've been hunting down for my closet so it felt like a good time to cross it off my list. I've been trying to be good about slowly building up my closet full of items I know will get use. About halfway through that trip, I start noticing texts in my group project group chat about what needs to be done.

I'm coming to realize that there is very much a relationship between my avoidance of things that stress me out (school) and making impulsive decisions.  

On Wednesday, this manifested as me preparing a DnD character sheet and starting a backstory document. 

Yesterday, it was an unfortunate reminder that I have adult money, and the ability to roam downtown Toronto freely. 

The amount of money I spent feels shameful- not over a $100 but the fact that I feel the need to specify that doesn't make it better- and going home I was hit for the first time with immense purchasing guilt. I'm usually wrapped up enough in the feeling of New Item joy that it doesn't hit me until at least a week later--if at all--but this was immediate. When I was leaving the last store of the trip I was feeling almost nauseous about it as I made it to the subway. And to top it off, my CD player was out of battery so I couldn't even listen to any of my CDs that I had brought along. 

The imminence of doing the project got to me once I got home. I ended up stuck in place on the couch for about 3 hours, mute for longer. My choir roommate (whos a psych student) bets that the muteness is part of a freeze response, the forgotten 3rd in the reactions among fight or flight. There's a non zero chance its related to my (likely) autism. 

It's really odd every time it happens, because its not like I stop wanting to be able to communicate, its just that I can't get words out of my mouth. While I was mute, my chill roommate asked "How does that work?" about a game that another roomie had brought down into the living room, Poetry for Neanderthals. I'd played it before and tried to open my mouth to explain it. And I just. Couldn't. Felt like a fish opening and closing my mouth to no avail. Ended up typing it out on a digital sticky note and turning my screen around so she could read off of it. 

My voice came back a couple hours later. It's always a weirdly sudden feeling to just be able to hop back into speaking. I wonder if my roommates find it as weird as it is for me. 

I managed to get a lot of work done at least, so I'll take that win. 

Another win is I've got another thing to look forward to for when this month is over. My cool roommate found out about a local lesbian event at the beginning of next month and got tickets for me and my choir roommate to come with. The event concept is really interesting- from what I remember you get a polaroid taken of you that gets put up on a wall and then at some point in the night you can go up to the people who caught your eye and see if you've matched. The whole idea is it being for lesbians who are unafraid of approaching others. Which. Isn't me. But hopefully putting myself out of my comfort zone will yield good results. That and a drink discount if you find a match. And roommates who are fully willing to wingman my awkward ass. 

I don't wanna say life's looking up. That feels like jinxing it. But I think I'm gonna keep trying to look up, because that's the only way to get through. 

 

Hello Again, Friend of a Friend

Been a hot minute since I've been here, let's see what you've missed. 

I had my doctors appointment at the beginning. Sat down and told my family doctor everything about how I've been doing. Even wrote a list before going in so I wouldn't forget anything. I'd say it went well. I think the fact I cried the whole way through helped my case. I'm now on antidepressants to tide me over while I wait to see a psychiatrist. My psychiatry intake call is later today. Turns out being suicidal does speed up that wait time a little bit (I was told it would take 1-6 months to hear back from the psychiatrist).

When the doctor said it would "Get worse before it gets better" on antidepressants, nothing prepared me for just how Bad it would get. My anxiety had never been worse in my life. I'm taking below the lowest dose. It was Rough. I'm on my second week on these meds now, and the anxiety has pretty much evened out but I think the depression is amplified a little bit. Getting up in the morning is still as hard as ever, but at least I'm no longer nauseous. Headaches are really consistent for me though.  

Performed at my cousins debut! I'm pissed that I completely fucked up my little solo bit on Beaches (read, didn't play it because I fucked up the first phrase and then spent the next 4 bars finding where to rejoin), but I survived! The party was a good time, its always fun seeing my cousins, and it was also fun getting to bring my guitar roommate along (longer story). 

Crush is as bad as its been (see the previous 2 posts from this month). I've survived a handful of conversations with my roommates and friends (including the crush in question) giving me advice on how to do hook-ups. I'm so glad I cannot visibly blush. I have promised my chill roommate that I will go out to the gay bar shes been frequenting once my classes are over. It gives me a reason to survive this month. 

My CD collecting is as fervent as ever. I should probably calm down on it, but it turns out doing bleh mentally doesn't translate to great financial decisions. I'll prolly show that off soon. 

- 

It took me so long to finish writing this that I actually did actually have my psych intake call. It went pretty well I think. I was locked the fuck in to be able to understand the guys voice since calls are kinda rough for me to process. I might have to go through more hoops if I want a proper ADHD help, but I'll at least be able to get assessed when I get referred to the clinic. 

Doing work is still as rough as ever, I feel pretty avoidant of it overall but at least I can start on it. Kind of. which is better than nothing. 

Just gotta keep going.  

 

Taking Inventory For the Sake of My Sanity

Have a crush on a girl having a sexuality crisis. It'll be fun. "I think I'm getting gayer." Oh, isn't that nice. Do explain in simple terms for my stupid heart. "Women are cool." I, lesbian extraordinaire, completely get it. Excuse me one moment, let me just go over and crush my hope down from where it popped up. Where were we? 

In the interest of my sanity here's every good thing that's happened recently:

• I found a dress for my cousins debut! Like. 2 weeks ago. But I'm still riding the high of finding it for $8.90. Fits like a glove, but I've gotta take in the straps a little bit. My mother finds the neckline to be too low but I've got no tits so what difference does it make.
• About 60% of the way to learning the songs I need to learn for the debut. They're not really difficult, I'm just not overly enthused about learning them so I've been battling that the whole way through. The debut being in under 2 weeks is helping in that regard though. I've got a practice with my cousin this Saturday, so hopefully I've got it down by then. 
• I'm back to getting work done on projects. It's hellish, and I feel like I'm actively avoiding doing work more often than not, but progress is progress. Even if its wrenching myself onto the right path. 
• Drafted up business cards for my guitar roommate. He's been doing a lot of photography for local bands so he asked if I'd be willing to help make a simple business card. It's pretty much done and ready, I'm just waiting for some last information from him before I can finalize it, but its pretty cool! It was a quick job, but it was nice to do some non school related design. 
• Saw the Twenty One Pilots movie last Friday. I saw them on the Breach tour back in september with 2 friends. We were at the Toronto show that got cut short because of the weather. So to make up for it we got tickets for the movie concert in Imax. I was crying by the second song. It was really good. I was also lowkey falling asleep by the end because it was really late, but that didn't undermine the experience. 
• Doctors appointment is this Thursday! I'm anxious about fighting for myself and pushing my doctor enough to get him to refer me to a psychiatrist but I gotta be hopeful. This damn appointment is the thing that's kept me going for the past month. I can't half-ass this. I got scared that since I've been on the upswing that its going to be hard to convince my doctor that its been bad, but honestly the fact that it's still not Good right now is what helps. I kinda feel like crying right now just thinking about this and the imminent pressure of the project I'm working on right now. It's hard constantly yanking myself back from spiralling. Its exhausting honestly. But we're getting through, and if all goes well, we're getting help. 

One step in front of the other is what keeps the world turning.  

The Heart Screams its Yearnings

The beauty of thinking you're over something is realizing that you're not over it at all, its just been taking a nap and not affecting you heavily enough to think about it. 

Remember that unrequited crush from the beginning of the year? I thought I was mostly over it by Valentines. Telling people about it felt like getting out of my system. It was chill, it was great, life went on, I felt at peace about it. 

Now I get to understand why talking about height is considered a form of flirting.

It wasn't even flirting! I know its not flirting! I'm just pathetic about it! This is horrible! I was fighting to make sure my face wasn't doing anything insane that whole time. Jesus fucking christ. How do people go through this regularly. One time is enough for my life please and thank you. 

For context, that friend I've unfortunately got a crush on has somewhat recently broken through to the next level of comfort in our friendship: Teasing. 

And its weird because its not like we haven't been dicks to each other for fun--its part of our regular banter--but I feel like there's a new energy to it now. Again, reached the next level of comfort, so a new level of bullying between friends.  

This is bad for my heart.  

Honestly I'm glad our friendship has pretty much been unaffected by my conundrum. I've been doing good to keep that shit under wraps because honestly there's not really anywhere for it to go. It's not productive to let it affect the friendship because then I just lose a friend, and that would suck.

My conundrum has not been unaffected by our increasing friendship, but its fineeeeeee. We see eachother on the regular, like 2-3 times a week on the regular. Even at the height of me processing this godforsaken crush that did not change. My horrible betrayer heart in times of weakness will replay moments from the last few weeks in a rose tint. The pink is not to be trusted. The pink can never be trusted. 

My saving grace is that spring finally seems to be arriving. Days are starting to feel a smidge longer, and the weather seems to be sticking around 0 degrees for the most part. It's wonderful. Soon it'll be warm enough to go out to clubs without freezing my ass off for looking cute. When the ice melts, a hoe comes out. And that hoe will be me. (ignore that the hoe has no experience and is socially awkward about getting to the hoe part. It's the spirit of the phrase that matters).

A Sandwich to Make While High

I made this sandwich this morning (noon) for breakfast because I wanted to make a grill cheese but I had auto-routed and grabbed 2 eggs. 

Ingredients 

• 1 tbsp of Chopped Garlic  
• Butter or oil
• 2 eggs 
• (optional) A splash of milk 
• 2 slices of bread
• Your hearts desire amount of shredded cheese

Steps 

1.  Scramble your eggs. I mixed in milk for texture. You don't have to, but I think it contributes well. Now would also be the time to season your eggs. I forgot to. The sandwich is still good if you forget.
2. Oil or butter in the pan on medium heat. Fry the garlic. I pre-prep and freeze a bunch of chopped garlic so I threw in however much felt good. 
3. Pour the eggs in. Let cook barely. The egg on top should still be runny. Throw your slices of bread on top. I was using a pan that was just big enough to fit the slices of bread side by side. Its not necessary but I would recommend it. 
4.  Cook egg to liking then flip the bread. Its okay if the egg breaks on flip. It probably will. 
5. Onto the egg throw on however much shredded cheese you desire. Then sandwich the slices egg sides together. 
6. Proceed to cook like a grilled cheese. Throw more butter or oil onto the pan to help your bread crisp to your desire. Do everything in your power to make sure the egg is mostly cooked. I ended up sitting the sandwich on a crust side to make the runny egg drip down and fry. It probably wont kill you if its a little runny.  
7. Eat and rejoice.  

 

New Trinket and Feelings On Feeling Evil

Big fan of using a facebook marketplace pickup as an excuse to try a new public transit route. Got to go on the new Eglinton line yesterday. I keep wanting to call it a subway line, but its actually an LRT. I assume it goes above ground at some section, but the route I went I kept me underground. Which I gotta admit is kinda disorienting. 
    LRTs are designed to be above ground- they've got these giant windows to make for comfortable a pleasant viewing of the outside world, on account of the fact that they're slower than a subway which means you can actually take a look outside. Being in one of those cars in pure tunnel darkness kinda felt like one of those analogue horror games.
    Trip went well though! Got my fun item- a bag for holding a CD player with a separate compartment with CD sleeves. It's also got the cutest detail of the zippers being little guitars. I'm taking it for a test run on my shift, and I do quite love this thing. Ended up having a whole conversation with the buyer too- almost forgot to pay her that's how wrapped up we were- about our CD collections, why she was selling it, etc etc. She ended up sending me a photo of her CD collection afterwards too because I was asking. Big fan of when I get a full human interaction out of a marketplace meetup. 

That night I went with some of my roommates + one friend to see Nirvanna the Band the Show the Movie. Amazing, hilarious movie, 10/10. Movies with this kind of humor tend to kind of stress me out, but even despite that it was a blast to watch. Also really fun because the whole thing is set in Toronto so it was familiar in ways that movies don't tend to be for me. Found out once the movie ended that it was based on the webshow of a similar name and my friends/roomies were watching it before they got there and no one told me :(. Probably won't be watching it alone myself, but even without knowing that the movie is a blast. 

What wasn't a blast was my oddly evil experience going home. I don't really know what started it but on the way back I was getting really in my head and overly anxious. Which sucked, especially because it felt like it was kind of coming out of nowhere. I'd had a pretty solid day up until that point. On the final stretch back to the rental house I was practically booking it ahead of everyone just so I could have time without everyone else to settle. Scrambled like a man possessed to get my coat off and get my stuff to my room before they reached the door. Body felt evil, and ended up laying down while listening to Tragic Kingdom by No Doubt so I wouldn't consider laying on the snow filled patio without clothes on. Weird time. Great album though. On relisten today I can say I enjoy it thoroughly. 

Today's been a chill time. I feel like I'm making good leeway on getting back on track on working on projects again. It's nice. The wrench is that getting confirmation of the collateral damage of me Doing Bad for the last month and a bit. The collateral damage in question being two friends of mine getting distant because they were getting bad vibes from me towards them. Which. Not entirely wrong because I was getting frustrated with them for different reasons during that time, but there's more to it than that and I don't feel like dealing out all of it.
   Regardless, I still have the question of "why have neither of them just talked to me?". Because neither of them have. I only ended up finding out about this because I talked to one of them because I'm in a group project with her. A group project that she has barely been showing up to or communicating about. Which is what I was approaching her about. Turns out shes been pulling away because shes been getting really hateful vibes from me and been uncomfortable in the group because of that. Which. Wow okay cool. That sucks and I feel bad because that's the collateral damage of me having a horrible horrible month mentally. There's a lot to unpack there. But the frustrations of her not communicating with the group are just like. Made worse from that. Cool. Alright. 

Generally I've been feeling pretty evil about being around people for the past while. Honestly since the start of the semester. It's off an on, some days are better, some are worse. Some people are better, some are worse. On bad days, the voice of some people is just unbearable and I have to take myself out of the situation if I don't want to feel like committing a murder. And it sucks to feel like you hate your friends for things out of their control. Because I really don't hate my friends, nothing is actually wrong with them- no deplorable behaviour, no real issues- I just can't take being around people sometimes. I just feel evil. 

Maybe I need to eat more. That tends to solve problems. Even if food has been kind of evil too.  

Gently Kicking The Roomba

Today feels like the first day I got work done by myself without feeling like the end was imminent. Is it the most relevant work for me to be doing? Well its not the literature review I have due tomorrow at midnight, but I'm planning on working on that after writing this out. 

As much as contacting all of my TA's about help has felt hellish, it is incredibly nice to be reminded in words that I have a lot of support. I think visiting home has helped too. I like my rental, I love my roommates, but I think being back home has been a good cleanse for me. 

It's weird to feel almost functional again. I've been on the up. I think. It's kind of hard to tell. I've never cried as much in my life as I have this week, but as of right now I don't feel like the world is going to crush me. I feel like I'm bracing myself for it to get bad again though. I can feel my anxiety rise and fall like the tide, not really triggered by anything in particular, just the in and out feeling of foreboding. I'm doing my best to rein it in. I'm trying to get as much work in as I can without overwhelming myself, which is a balancing act on its own.

I will say getting back into actually doing work is reminding me that my (undiagnosed but highly suspected) ADHD is a bitch. What do you mean I've gone halfway down 3 rabbitholes in 2 hours. I feel like I need to keep kicking the roomba that is my brain back into the right direction. Oh my greatest fantasy, sitting down to do something and actually getting it done without any internal distractions. 

- 

I'm really glad I brought my bass home with me. I feel like I just remembered last week that playing bass is a great distraction for myself. If I could bring it with me to lectures I would, but I don't think my classmates would appreciate my front-row-sitting-ass doing that. 

I made a joke when I first got it about how nice it was to just hold it, "maybe this is how guitarists get away with being single for so long. subbing in the weight of a person for the weight of a guitar". My increasingly single-feeling self is very much feeling that now. 

I've added Black Sheep by Metric and Locked Out of Heaven by Bruno Mars to my repertoire. Got about 70% of Runaway Baby learned. Working on learning the rest of Devil on My Shoulder by Billy Talent, and I've been listening to Metallica recently to prep me for learning one of their songs. Had a bit of an epiphany about why I never actually committed to learning a Metallica song, which was that I just wasn't super familiar with their music. I'd heard it a lot because of my guitarist roommate practising their songs, but I'm not super familiar with the songs as is. I've got Master of Puppets and ...And Justice For All downloaded, as well as Black Sabbath's self titled. Also downloaded Roots by Sepultura, which yes, I did get into through Fall Out Boy somehow. Gotta stop feeling shame about that. Gotta stop feeling shame. Eh. Some shame should probably stay. 

Before You Know It, The Wound Will Close

Three weeks ago or a little less--honestly my sense of time is shot-- I cut my finger washing a glass. It was chipped on the edge and I had accidentally got my pointer finger cut pretty deep. 

A little over three weeks ago, closer to a month, I started drowning. 

- 

The lived reality of drowning this way is a weird one.  I spent all of yesterday crying after a group project call drained me. Still went out to Walmart with a roommate and had a good time. Played bass when I got home. Cooked and barely managed to get through the full plate. Texted my mom being fully honest about how I'm doing. Cried more. Celebrated and congratulated a great thing happening to a friend. Jammed with the house band. I'm emailing my TA's about getting supports. I'm meeting up with a friend to go out despite the snow in under an hour. The idea of opening the online class portal for anything fills me with deep dread and anxiety. I'm having a good time hanging out. There's a shadow looming behind me and I'm keeping my eyes forward. 

I was explaining it to my roommates yesterday. It's like touching fire. I touched fire. and it was bad. and now I don't want to touch fire again, I'm avoiding it in every way I can. But I need to touch fire. Touching fire is what I signed up to do. I'm paying to touch fire. But it hurt me, so every time I feel the heat at my hands I recoil. 

I want to have the flame protectant gloves everyone else has on.  

-

Just today I noticed that wound on my finger closed up fully. There's a light pink line where the cut was. The skin around it is a little rough, but its flush with everything else. No bump, no swelling. 

I'm hoping that's what it'll be like to get out of the water. To realize that its only lapping at my ankles, or even that my feet are completely dry. 

 

It's Cuffing Season and I'm Over It (A Very Emo Valentines Day)

Being aromantic, I've never really cared about Valentines. It's up until this point it's been just another day with a higher chance of candy from generous friends. This is the first year that feels any different. 

For one, no candy. Which is unfortunate, but expected. I've got a chance of donuts from my chill roommates new gf as a thank you for introducing them, but I'm not really counting on it. Her planning to making good on my joke about payment for introducing them is sweet enough. 

But the big one is just actually being kind of aware of romance for once. In past years I've never had any close friends in relationships, or really friends who were overly interested in getting into relationships-- at least to my knowledge. Now I've got some kind of sad crush--which is honestly is just me being regular with an undertone of feeling pathetic about affection I can't have which truthfully doesn't feel much like romance to me, just really interestingly placed hornyness--, the knowledge my younger cousins are now dating which is something I never really conceptualized, a roommate in a long term relationship who's got an elaborate plan for tonight (good for them!), the roommate I introduced to said gf who've been PDAing the fuck out of the living room, and the cherry on top is learning at midnight that my best friend is now in the beginnings of a relationship, a sappy one at that. 

Which all means that I listened and sung to the entirety of From Under the Cork Tree while cooking lunch while telling every roommate that came downstairs that I'm feeling very homophobic this Valentines day and I'm channelling it through Fall Out Boy (btw all the couples surrounding me minus my cousins are gay. I'm gay. My household is all queer. I'm not actually homophobic, just a little bitchy). 

Feeling like I'm surrounded by romance for once in combination with my own feelings of general patheticness is just not a fun on a day like this. Learning I've got a good chance of being autistic is kind of putting into perspective the fact that I just don't like change. Change out of my control to be specific. I like predictability, I like when I have some idea of what can happen, either because I have some hand in it or because it's familiar with patterns I can guess at. And now, I'm not totally sure what the future holds. Which also means the revival of old fears. Old fears tied to exactly this- everyone around me being paired off and being left alone in the dust of it all. 

I know its unrealistic. I'd have to be an active participant in my own demise for that to actually happen. It's not that hard to just reach out and ask to talk or hang. To communicate how I feel. But fears aren't rational, and feeling like I'm being left behind while everyone else goes out into new waters that I can't quite follow is what it is. And stepping into my own available new waters is horrifying. We've established I don't like change. I'd literally have to dive headfirst into unpredictability. There's no real way to ease me into these things. Add a side of self loathing and constant fluctuation of confidence, and you've got the hot mess that is me. Oh and the last 2 weeks having sucked for me. That definitely factors into all of this. 

I'm trying to use my own hate for the behaviour of overly self conscious people to motivate me to just be better than this. If I saw this shit on someone else I'd be annoyed as hell. Which you think would get me going out with a vengeance, but realistically just means I try not to talk about it for fear of annoying my friends. Also going out is expensive!!! I don't think I'm hot enough to get drunk for free, and in this economy I'm sure as hell not getting drunk with my own dime at the bar. That's half a lie. I'm actually a hella lightweight. But the confidence issue still rears its ugly head. 

Currently I'm debating between going out tonight with my choir roommate because the weather is actually half okay for once which means we can dress cute without freezing all of our asses off, or asking a different roomie if they wanna play video games with me. Or drinking again. Regardless I might be drinking again. I don't wanna be a sad drunk. I feel like I might be a sad drunk tonight. I shouldn't drink then. 

I'm probably actually gonna play a lot of bass tonight. I haven't played bass a lot in the past couple days. That's a better plan. 

Happy Valentines to all of you, and a happier Valentines to everyone going through it a little bit more today than other days. 

 

The Airfryer is My Favorite Invention

I write this as I wait for my chicken nuggets to come out of the airfryer. I'm trying to be really mindful about how much I let myself drink since I feel the pull towards the giant bottle of vodka in the communal fridge more often than not these days. Should I be a little concerned about that impulse? Probably, but that's why we've got rules in place for myself. I can only drink on fridays, or if I'm going out, which I'm rare to do. 

The rules for today are that I had to eat first and send the email I've been putting off sending since tuesday--because it ended up in the loop of "well now it feels like its been too long since I said I'd send an email so I just shouldn't send it". Which is Stupid--before I let myself drink anything. 

My chicken nuggets are done! 

My brain still feels kinda slushy these days. A friend pointed out recently that I'm pretty likely to have autism, redid all the tests, realized a couple things about myself. And it's not really done much to tilt my world, but its made a lot of things make just a little more sense. Doesn't really solve any of my problems. But yeah. Focusing on school has been hard. Not letting myself get overwhelmed has been really hard. 

The worst part about asking for help is that you have to ask for help and supposedly know what you're asking for.  Turns out, you actually don't, you can just ask for help and say things are bad. At least asking is more important and helpful because that means they know you're struggling. Which is better than them not. 

I think my chicken nuggets should be cooled by now. I have a feeling they're going to burn me anyways.  

[ ! ] New Quest : Survive the Debut!

New week and life doesn't look horribly bleak. Am I behind on my projects? Yes. Have I emailed that TA I need to email about the fact that life has been going Badly? No. But my CD finally came in the mail and I cried when I realized what the area behind the CD said? Yes, yes I did, and it was wonderful.

Weekly migranes are also seeming to be a new development. Its still killing me as I write this but I'm so fucking bored from not looking at screens while my head hurts that I've just started caving and looking at stuff anyways. How else am I supposed to pass the time on my shift?

In other news I've got some new mainline quests! Or sub quests for a mainline quest? I don't know. I've lost my own metaphor. Anyways. My cousin has her Debut coming up at the end of March. For the unfamiliar, a Debut is kind of like the Filipino quinceanera but for the 18th birthday. Exciting!! 
    I didn't have one because I didn't want the stress of planning one, and it doesn't look like my other first cousin will be having one, so this is gonna be pretty big for us. Since I'm pretty close to this cousin, I do quite care about this event going well. And since I'm a first cousin, it means that by family law I have to participate in the entertainment of the night. Which means I will be performing for the first time on bass in a little over a month. With songs I still need to learn. Oh Stars.  

Sub Quest 1: Learn Songs to Perform!  

The songs in question are Best Part by Daniel Caesar and Beaches by Beabadoobee. Not horribly difficult on bass for where I'm currently at, but they're not songs I'm familiar with. They were chosen by my younger cousin who I'll also be performing with (shes playing guitar and singing). It's not technically our first rodeo performing at a family function in any way, but it'll be my first time with a bass and I'm really trying to not let it get to me. Right now I'm fine about it, but give it a couple weeks. 

Sub Quest 2: Dress to Impress! 

The color theme of this Debut is shades of blue. I do not own blue, and especially not anything formal in blue. My closet palette is that of an ominous evil swamp. Is it a crime if I show up not on theme? No. However, I'm a first cousin, and I know I'm gonna be in a hell of a lot of photos whether I like it or not, and regardless it's just fun to dress on theme. Which means I gotta go shopping. I am broke. Which means I gotta go thrifting. Which means I should really be hitting the thrift a couple of times over the next month and a bit if I want a chances at finding anything good enough for this. I've got plans to go thrifting with a friend next week, and a recommendation for a secondhand dress shop in downtown, so fingers crossed I find anything that fits.
   Do I have to go thrifting to do this? No. But am I gonna pass up an opportunity to have an excuse to go thrifting? Never. 

We Got Through and Somehow We Keep Going

And we've reached Friday. I'm still standing. That's pretty good.

I got my haircut, and I've got a lot of compliments. It's definitely more dramatic than I intended for it to be going in but it suits me I think. I just gotta figure out how to style it like the stylist did cause otherwise I feel like I look like one of the Beatles a little bit. 

The trip to pick up lights went well! I think it really brings together our new music corner. We've still got some wall space to fill in. My choir roommate wants to have a fake band poster of our theoretical house band. I think it'd be really fun but first we'd have to name our house band and that's its own can of worms. Otherwise I'm thinking of making some kind of collage by asking each of my roommates for a top 5 or 6 albums and using the covers of those. Not totally sure. Regardless there's a lot of wall space to fill.

A group project is now done. Well technically it still has to be turned in tonight with some edits but we presented it today. Glad to be done with it because I hate doing UI/UX. I've realized its because the project process feels the least tangible to me. I like prints. I like having things in my hands. I like seeing things physically, not just on a screen. I'm excited for this class to be done. 

Went to a university karaoke event, it was meant as a sad valentines thing--scream your heart out and sing out the heartbreak kind of thing-- but it ended up being just a pretty chill time. People were just singing whatever and having a good time and the vibe was overall pretty good. Talked to a buncha people, made a bracelet, sung Bang the Doldrums by Fall Out Boy. Voice cracked at the end but it was a lot of fun singing- mostly to my best friend who was probably the only person in the room who knew the song. I got told by someone I was talking to that I “sound like you dont know how to sing but you have a good voice”. Which. Not really sure how to feel on that on. Like I'll take the compliment but man, I thought I was at least okay enough that I sound like I know what I'm doing a little bit. 

Made Tinola for the first time on my own on Wednesday. I made a lot. It's good. It tastes like home. 

When I get up now it doesn't feel like the world is gonna end immediately. It's nice, but honestly I still feel like I'm kind of floating to figure out where to go from here. 

I Resent Better Me For Decisions Worse Me Deals With

Haircut tomorrow! However, haircut at noon, with a commute of an 1h 30mins, which means I have to get up at 10 to make this happen. Me from 2 weeks ago found this to be an entirely feasible thing. Me today is dreading this. Getting myself to go to my 10am shift was a struggle today. I walk 10 minutes to get to my shift. I do not want to flake on this haircut. I'm so lucky to have an incredibly lax student job. 

Honestly this is the first time in my life where I've really felt the effects of what is very much most likely depression without attempting to push through it anyways. I don't have the energy to push through it anyways. I feel like I'm masking it to some degree but I also think that's just how it presents in me. I feel spacier. It feels like my focus falls of like syrup poured on a slope. My heads blank for once, but its kind of just floaty. I feel like I'm trying to actively tether myself to reality. I'm probably skipping my lecture and tutorial tonight. Even if my shift is effectively just sitting around for 4 hours, I feel like its taken so much out of me. I already felt that by the end of the first hour. I can't fathom doing more human interaction. 

As I'm writing this, I've only got an hour left of my shift. I can push through. 

Good things that have happened: 

• We've set up a bit of a music corner in my Jolly (rental) house. We're renting a drum kit from L&M for my cool roommate to pick drums back up. For 2 days of practice in, shes doing great. We had a bit of a jam going last night which was a blast. It was my first time getting to play with a drummer and my Stars that helps so much with having to play off beats. 
• Found a guy on marketplace selling cheap christmas lights that we're planning on putting in that music corner. $10 for 15 meters of christmas lights. I'm so excited to see how this turns out
• Retail therapy doesn't solve everything but I've found another CD to add to my Fall Out Boy collection. I will take this win with both hands
• I now have a doctors appointment to talk to my family doctor. It's in the first week of march, which feels evil, but I'll take the reason to live for another month 
• My roommates are lovely and cool. My friends are great and caring. I love them all dearly

 

And the World Keeps Turning

It was Bad. It got better. It got Worse. We continue to ball. If anything, its nice to have things to be able to bring up as proof to my family doctor that I really should be medicated. 

Anyways, here's the recounts of everything good before it was Worse. 

Friday - Live Music @ The Raven Presented by Sour Friends Collective 

I ended up missing the first 2 bands because of a class and the commute there, but I'm very happy with who I did see. I manged to catch Ceippo, BoREALia, Trashwyre, and Heavenly Blue. 
    Ceippo and Trashwyre I saw at a house show in december and were the reason I knew about this show to begin with. Sour Friends Collective is actually an art collective one of the guitarists of Trashwyre is putting together which is really neat. It's also neat connecting the dots on why its called that-- the guy is named Lem, he introduces himself like "Lem short for lemon", lemon, sour friends, you get the idea. I actually talked to him back at the house show without realizing he was in any of the bands, really chill guy. 
    Ceippo is always a joy live since they have really good energy and the songs I know the most amount of words to. BoREALia was interesting, they've got 3 guitarists and doing some interesting instrumental shit. If they had a CD I would have bought it. Trashwyre was really fun to see play through a whole set since at the house show they only had about 20 minutes of material and were missing their bassist. And they delivered. High energy, great crowd interaction, they had the place bumping. I'm genuinely so hyped for when they finally release the first EP. But the real highlight for me was Heavenly Blue. I didn't know about them beforehand but they were so good. Their lead vocalist has such a good presence, and they probably had the best mosh pit going. I've managed to get one of my roommates hooked on their music too! Which rightfully so, it slaps. 

Trashwyre - They've got a drum pad instead of a drumkit, its fun! 

Heavenly Blue - They had underwear on their heads. They did not explain why. 

Saturday - Old Friends 

After the show, me and the friend I went with met up with a friend from highschool and both she and my best friend crashed my place for the night. Despite initial difficulties and frustrations trying to figure out where and how to meet up, it was genuinely really nice to see her again. It was also really fun seeing how she meshed with my roommates. The next morning me and her made a whole breakfast situation for the 3 of us, and despite how many roommates I have, I don't really get to cook alongside any of em often, so honestly it was just a really nice moment. Me and my best friend gave her a tour of our university campus, yapping and catching up, and even though I had to leave the tour early we still all met back up to hang out before her and my best friend left. I don't really talk to her online, hilariously because she used to be really hard to reach through social media, then once she started being active is when I stopped being active on socials, but we've got a good dynamic regardless. 

Sunday - Adventures in Transit 

Sunday started with a late morning and my choir roommate asking "do you want to come be an extra in a film thing?" Was I supposed to do work that day and prior night? Yes. Was I going the fuck through it and looking for any reason not to? Also yes. So on an adventure we go! 
    The film location was in fuckass nowhere on the side of Toronto I frequent less, but the commute wasn't lookin horrible. Was was horrible was when we were in the last stretch of it trying to catch a bus that would've gotten us to the place right on time and it just never came. Turns out the bus had broken down the loop right before, but we didn't know that, so we waited about half an hour before my roommate caved and Ubered us the rest of the way there. Being late wasn't too bad through because it turns out they were still having a hell of a lot of technical difficulties by the time we got there. My roommate got to catch up with her old friends that were there, and honestly I was just enjoying being in an interesting space and finally finishing a book I've been reading in short bursts for a month (The book in question being Joe Trohman of Fall Out Boy's memoir None of This Rocks, fun read!). 
    The real adventure was heading back home, later than either of us expected because it ended late, and colder than either of us expected because we didn't think we'd be heading back so late. Trek to one bus stop. Bus won't come for another 30 minutes. Trek to another 10 minutes away. Wait for the bus. Get on. Get to a bigger stop that's also a subway stop. Wait for another bus. Miss it when it got there the first time because we doubted it was the right one. Whatever. Wait 15 for another. We're still not sure if its the right bus. I ask if the bus goes to the stop we're trying to head to. The driver says no. I google that buses route as it driving away and it turns out he just lied to me. Well. We take the subway instead, which makes the commute longer, but at least its warm. Sit on the subway for an hour. I show my roommate some of the passages from the book to pass time. We both dream of making soup when we get back. Walking the final stretch from the subway to our place was a religious experience. The interesting development of that night is finding out that another of my roommate is now hooking up with a highly respected graduate of my program that me and my program friends look up to a lot-- and more or less because of me. Hell yeah I guess. 

The soundtrack of this week is High Tea//Dinner Party by Heavenly Blue, American Football LP1, and From Under the Cork Tree by Fall Out Boy. I need to remember the conversational outline on how to book a doctors appointment and in my engineering roommates words, "find another reason to not kill yourself before Thursday because its good that you have [a hair appointment] to live for but you gotta find another reason before then". 

I'm Not Quoting an MCR Song for a Post Title Even if It is Perfect. It's Too Corny, Even for Me

The song in question is I'm Not Okay. 

I've been doing my best. Life's been rough. The landlord still sucks. I'm behind on submitting stuff. Finally got the fire under my ass to get real medical help. Doesn't mean its exactly possible. We ball. 

In the interest of holding on, here's the good things that have happened this week and will happen:

• Got yelled at by all my roommates about how to get medicated. This sounds harsher than it was. It was honestly just nice to feel supported and have all the stories of my roommates who are all on various kinds of medications for mental stuff
• Told the roommates about the unrequited crush situation. I feel lighter for it. Turns out I'm also not the only roommate going through that specifically. Solidarity in misery or something  
• Best friend figured out who the unrequited crush is. It's nice to have the extra layer of understanding without having to have spoken it into the world. 
• I now own MCRs Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge on CD! and I've got a CD of Motion City Soundtracks Commit This To Memory in delivery. I've already listened to the Three Cheers CD twice over. 
• Finished and submitted my project for Tuesday on time. I feel pretty proud of what I made. 
• Finally bought a guitar strap for the new guitar. My choir roommate says its the most shoe looking guitar shes ever seen. Shes not wrong. It's pretty silly. 

Trickshot does really look like a shoe

• Learned about the Power Chord. Technically I've been knowing about it, but I've finally realized what it is and just how common it is in songs. Hell yeah learning moment
• Haircut next thursday! I've never known if the 30 dollar haircut meme was supposed to refer to an expensive or a cheap haircut. I would kill for a $30 haircut in this economy. I found this girl who does $24 haircuts because shes a hairstyling student. I'm pretty hopeful about it, and shes hyped about cutting my hair too it seems. 
• I made my moms spaghetti sauce for the first time. It was my first time trying to make one of my moms recipes. It turned out pretty good. It tastes like home. I should call my mom.  
• Going to a local show tonight. I'll be showing up late because I have a class that ends 30 minutes after doors open, and it takes a hour to get there from campus, but there'll still be 3 hours of show by the time I get there, so I'll be having a good time. More to come on that.
• Finally fixed my favourite pants. There was a hole in the back of the thigh that had a temporary fix that was starting to tear more. Finally patched it. I also managed to almost rip off one of the belt loops, which has also been quickly fixed. I'm hoping that one stays put for awhile.  

My 3rd attempt at Sashiko

 

Its Like They Were Onto Something With Emo Music

Emotional music, to feel emotional to?!?! That's crazy. Who'd've thunk. 

I feel like I missed out on a lot of formative highschool experiences, hence feeling like one hell of an emo kid during my second year of uni- spending last night moping and listening to the entirety of Commit this To Memory face down in my bed. If I was feeling any worse I would've been crying by the end of the first song. 

I totally get why you’re supposed to have these things happen in highschool because going through emotional rollercoasters is made 10x worse when you also have to pay rent and budget for groceries. Writing that reminded me that I have to pay rent soon. Horrid. But it's not like I got the option to pencil this into the schedule of my life, so better late than never. 

Anyways. I've been thinking about this because I've been going through my first unrequited lesbian crush. Wahoo. Not a box on the list on common formative experiences that I thought I'd get to check off, but here we are.

I've been pretty confidently calling myelf aromantic until this point, and really I will probably still continue to call myself aromantic because anything more complicated is something I don't have the energy for. The thing with being aro is that a lot of it has hinged on me really just. Not understanding romance. And truth be told I still feel like I don't. Hence all of this feeling like a slap in the face to finally realize. But if you're not gonna call pathetic yearning and sappy sad thoughts some kind of romantic attraction, what else will you call it? 

I only managed to tell my best friend about this last friday after I've kind of known for awhile. Still haven't even told him who it is. That ones too big to say still. It's killing me too because the whole situation of it is pretty funny, so now I can't tell a funny story because it physically pains me to pull the words out of my mouth. That sucks.

I've submitted something to queering the map about it. Big fan of queering the map. If you're unfamiliar, its basically a site that shows a bunch of community submitted stories on a world map to showcase the queer experience. Going through it ranges from adorable stories about first kisses and hopeful starts to coming out worst case scenarios and apologies for loving and heartbreak. It's quite the experience. It's the queer experience. I hope my story gets through. Apparently there's a hell of a backlog because everything that gets submitted is moderated, so it might be months until it properly shows up, or maybe it never will.

For archival purposes. Here it will be.I'm holding my hand in front of my face like I'm shielding it from the winds, but I'm really doing it to stop myself from considering kissing you in the cold or grabbing your hand while you complain about not dressing warm enough. You'll never know that you're my first crush. I can't wait to say that in past tense. We're puzzle pieces that can't fit. Definetly not now and maybe not ever. I hope you find someone that loves you more than I could. That knows what you're talking about and can argue lovingly. Fits you instad of just greedily sliding close and calling it enough. 

Well. Now I've got to finish writing something due at 4pm. That I've barely started. C'est la vie. 

Will the (Old) People Like a Sticker ???? (Please Help)

I scored tickets to a Billy Talent concert this morning!!!! Yaho!!!! I was practically vibrating out of my seat in excitement for the rest of the class that I was already ignoring for the most part to get tickets. 

A friend got me into them in 2024 and they are a genuine favourite of mine. It's weird because I never really went through a hyperfixation with them, I just listened to them a lot, so I keep forgetting how much I love this band until it gets brought up somehow. 

But this brings me to my dilemma. This is my second Big Concert. Like not in a bar venue or basement Concert. And since I'm a recent fan and this is my first concert with them, I've not got a clue what the demographics and energy are gonna be like. I asked the friend I'm going with who's been to their concerts before and his first response was. Old. Mid 30s to 40s. Said he didn't know if the people would like a sticker. Alright cool. Out of my depth here. 

I also manged to ask a cool acquaintance I met at a Hayley Williams listening party who's turns out to also be going to the concert, and who's also got lawn tickets! Apparently shes been a fan since 03. Which. Man. That's older than me. She's very firmly a millennial, and she gave me a very enthusiastic yes about people liking being offered stickers- with the caveat that I might get a couple "party pooper" nos, which seems about fair. 

So that's a millennial yes and a gen Z maybe. Man. 

The reason I'm even considering making stickers is because the last Big Concert I went to, I was going with my best friend and he made stickers to give out. However the big difference here is that that concert was a Twenty One Pilots concert. Very different crowd. Much younger crowd. So many people on that lawn were giving out stuff I swear. The only info I've got out of this is that the venue probably won't care about me giving out some stickers if I do. 

The optimistic part of me says that a punk loves a sticker, but the other part of me is scared of being in a crowd of people on average at least 10 years older than me and going "do you want a sticker? ( O^O )". I'm gonna look like a child. Honestly this would probably be easier if I was a literal child. Being approached by an 8 year old with a sticker is cute at least. I'm an emo 19 year old. Who let me have adult money. 

I think the middle ground is to only make a handful. Maybe like 12, no more than 24. Only one or 2 designs too. I'll scout out my millennial acquaintance to give her one and a few if shes got friends with her. The rest will be for any people met along the way with good energy and a fleeting conversation, as it goes with concerts. Also to maybe like. Ask on the reddit about it. Pretty sure that's what my best friend did the last time. 

I am really excited about going but considering all this has me hoping that I'll be comfortable there. I've got relative faith because its a punk band with a solid fandom reputation, but I'm still a filipino woman-looking visibly-queer 19 year old. I know this crowd is gonna be older, and probably for the most part pretty white. Hell I'm going with my tallest and whitest friend. Incredibly envious that his 6'4" ass will have no problems standing on the lawn. Truth be told I wasn't super aware of how white the crowd was at the last Concert I went to because I was with the Only Other POC. But now I'm Thinking About It. 

I'm kind of hoping being in the lawn (the far back cheapest tickets) will mean I'll be more likely to find the younger and broker sort, the ones who are also likely to be artier and guaranteed to be more receptive to a sticker. One can only hope.  

Now I gotta think about what I'm even gonna put on these stickers. All this overthinking for something that's not even real yet.  

Bright as Snow Day (My Landlord Would Look So Good Headfirst in the Snow)

Its yet another snow day. I don't have any classes today, but its nice to feel like I don't really have to go anywhere today anyways. I know I'll have to go out at some point to print my project, but thats a problem for me in about 7 hours. 

I'm feeling pretty good about the day so far. Means I'm feeling pretty good about the week ahead too. Gonna see how long I can hold onto this feeling. 

My cool roommate referred me to a student hairdresser a town over doing $24 haircuts, and the vibe in booking so far has been great. I'm so ready for my hair to actually be shapely again. 

I'm like 70% done my project that I need to turn in tomorrow morning. Which means I probably won't be doing a late night rush to get it done. It's at the point where if I turned it in now I'd probably be fine, get at least a C on it, but its kind of unsatisfying to leave it as is, so I'll be doing as much rendering as I can today so it looks half decent. 

Jamming with the roommates has been fun. Been nice to be communally struggling over playing Moves Like Jagger. Still trying to figure out if learning how to sing and play it is worth it. Singing while playing off beats is as hellish as you'd imagine. If I don't figure that out, then we're either micing the drummer which is no loss because our drummer is a fantastic singer, or we're having the vocalist do the whole thing which would be a travesty to lose the adlibs in the final chorus.  Really I might learn to do it regardless of what we settle on just to see if I can. 

Been getting back into writing music with my best friend. This band will happen, I believe it. Everything about that is a story for another day though. Honestly its just a lot of fun, and we've been having some breakthroughs in our approach which has been really satisfying. 

We're ordering groceries and I'm planning on trying to make pasta sauce the way my mom does for the first time. I'm so excited. I have no confidence in how well it will go. but i'm so excited. 

The only thorn in my side for the week is my Fuckass landlord. 

Fuck this guy. Oh my Stars Fuck This Guy. Emailed last 2 weeks ago about confirming whether or not we're renewing. Out lease ends in August. Sure. Alright. Said we were interesting in sticking with him but wanted cheaper options. Got some options about renewing at a reduced rent for good behavior or getting another place for cheaper rent. Asked about getting a showing. Radio silence for a week. Another email about whether or not we'll renew. Said we needed time because they havENT FOLLOWED UP ON US YET. For some reason they always fucking email these things on friday wanting answers for monday. Which means we can't reach them until monday. That's fucking evil.

"[The landlord] better be fucking busy. It better look like ultimate custom night over there" - My chill roommate. The guitarist roommate is playing darksouls on the living room tv. The rage from that is almost calming. 

Finally got an email about giving my number so I can discuss further options. Responded to that thing in a minute. 

I am an adult. I can be reasonable. I am an adult. I will not yell at this man over the phone. I am an adult. I can wait for this damn phonecall.

Did I mention we got told there's going to be a showing of our house tomorrow?  

I fucking hate the landlord.  

It's gonna be a good week. I have to believe. 

What Packaging, Music, and People have in Common

I was gonna venutre out to downtown today to grab a guitar strap, new strings, meet up with a FB marketplace seller for a cd. But the snow is BAD. Again. So all of that gets to wait for another day. Or maybe a couple hours depending on how brave me and my roommate feel about venturing out to Long & McQuade anyways. 

Regardless. I find myself coming back to thinking about labels. I feel like I'm always thinking about labels for one reason or the other. 

I feel like I've always come at labels with a very literal approach. Whatever labels I use are for the ease of quickly delivering information to somebody else. That ain't always simple. When you're insane about definitions like I am, then you're worried about using the one that's most right for the context. But then there's also the layer of what another person will understand when you use that label. I'm probably overthinking this, but that's what this blog is for. 

I think the intersection between information and comfort that labels reside in is really interesting. For example, I call myself a lesbian for the most part. Am I a woman? That's complicated, but to most people I look like one. Do I like only women? 90% sure on that one but there's also a little leeway. Am I about to explain all of that to someone when coming out? Stars no. And lesbian is the thing I feel most comfortable calling myself anyways, so really, it doesn't have to be as deep as I make it out to be. 

What got me thinking about all of this today is whether or not I'd call myself a Bassist. Like by all accounts, I technically am. I play bass. I like playing bass. Bass is what I'd prefer most to play in a band if given the choice. But in conversation its not "I'm a bassist", it's "I play bass". These technically mean the same things. They do not feel like they mean the same thing. Getting called a bassist, especially by someone else with more music experience, feels like being a kid wearing a sweater 3 sizes too big. Ill fitting and awkward. I know its something I'll maybe grow into at some point, but right now it just doesn't feel quite right. 

I think I'm getting there slowly. The idea of calling myself one when I was 2 months into learning was impossible, and now its almost okay. I think I conflate calling myself a bassist with calling myself a competent bassist. Because I feel far from competent. I'm just fine at bass from what I've been told, but its the whole bit about always perceiving where you're at as lower than where you actually are. Honestly I think being forced to refer to myself as one has been helping. Again, I'm not about to go on a whole spiel to explain myself and where I'm at when I call myself a bassist, and sometimes you just can't get the grammar to work, so I'm a bassist I guess. 

Getting Drunk is Never the Solution but its One Hell of a Good Time

Getting drunk with my roommates is fun. Mostly because they're good company, people I feel safe enough to be around to be silly while drunk, and cause we're all the silly sort. Highlights of the night are: 
- me and my cool roommate showing off our cringe anime voices
- Being the dealer for a gambling game that required counting, wherein every time cards were flipped I made my engineering roommate (who was at least tipsy) do the math. They've think they might be better at math while inebriated. 
- very genuinely moaning in anguish just for everyone at the board game table to look at me and go "you just moaned. bro what"
- hugging my bottle of soju like a wise old man

I'm a very economical drunk- that is to say, a lightweight- much to my roommates chagrin. I went through one bottle of soju and promptly passed out on the couch sometime around 11pm (we had started drinking around 8pm). I had one of those naps that made me believe 20 minutes had passed. My roommates were still awake after all and playing jackbox, it couldn't be that late. It was 3am.

I think this was the kinda reset I needed. The having a good time with my roommates without thinking about work or responsibilities, not necessarily the alcohol. 

I've finally started working on that project I've got due on Tuesday. It's less intimidating now that I've started, but keeping myself motivated to keep going after I've done maybe 10% is still hard. Hence me writing this instead. ffs I'm making blobs. I wish I was joking but genuinely this is what I've been up to for the last hour and a half.

  

Blobs! Just blobs! This is my degree! Shapes and colors! I feel like I get stressed about the work I have to do then in the middle I come to the realization that I'm stressed about shapes and colors! It's silly!

My extended break (generous procrastination) has also featured me watching a bunch of covers from this random youtube channel. I was looking for guitar covers of Dead on Arrival by Fall Out Boy because I decided that was a fun and easy enough song to learn on guitar and found a video of these dudes covering it. 

They look to be around my age, probably younger, maybe older?- I've never been good at guessing ages. Everything about it is kind of charming. The sound of someones younger sibling babbling before they start playing. The awkwardness of introducing everyone in the band. The way they're clearly having a good time playing.  

I've always had a soft spot for finding random peoples small channels, the kind where it looks like they're really only posting for fun. It's weird to look at this dudes channel, the songs he's covered and think that I'd probably get along with this guy. Might at least be able to discuss favourite bands and opinions in small talk. Pretty sure my guitar is the same one he's using in some of the other covers, in the same color too, that'd be something to talk about. I feel like I've built a connection to this kid. Or at least the version of this dude that existed around 2013. Seeing that kinda threw me for a loop. That's one of the things I love about finding these kind of channels, the fact that they're like time capsules for some person that's out there somewhere who's continued on. 

And bros life sure did. Some light googling found me this guys current day band and active instagram. I won't link that one, but it's not hard to find. The kid on vocals and bass in the video is also in said band which is just nice to see. I might listen to their ep, why not. 

Finding small bands always fills me with a kind of joy. It's the thought that there's just so many people brought together by music, playing and having a good time. I've been thinking a lot about performing and playing music. My household has a bit going about putting together a band to play at the fuckass bar we've frequented most often just because it'd be fun to do so. We have a guitarist, a bassist, a vocalist, and (if we can get her a kit) a drummer. The plan is to do pop covers, because this fuckass bar is the straightest bar imaginable, and because the aim of it is just to have a good time. We've finally got the bit going far enough that we've got a tentative set list of songs to learn. 

Do we have any clue how to actually get booked at this bar? Stars no, but I think that we're all doing this to have something fun to do. It's fun for me because it gives me a reason to learn and practice bunch of familiar songs with the hope of getting to be on a stage at some point. Songs that are more difficult than I expected because pop sure does love some funky bass. I will be drilling the hell out of Runaway baby for the next week. It's fun for everyone else because everyone just wants to perform, they've all performed on stages and in bands before. The funniest one to me in this bunch is my guitarist roommate who's main thing is death metal. Cryptopsy is his favorite band. Right now hes practicing a song from the Doom soundtrack in the living room. And he's down as hell to play pop. The band was really his idea in the first place, he just really likes performing and is willing to just have a good time about it. The juxtaposition is just kinda entertaining. But it also feels pretty lucky. I've met just enough guitarists to know the kind of haughty ones who are weird about playing certain genres. 

I'm really excited to see how performing together will go when we get there. My choir roommate is really a phenomenal vocalist, and I don't get to hear her just hard committing to singing pop songs often, and I for sure haven't seen her Perform. I'm excited to see my cool roommate (as I've referred to her above) pick back up the drums, but that could also be the baby bassist in me incredibly excited at the idea of playing with a drummer. 

It's all the kind of plan where nothing is set in stone, but I think its better off this way. We'll have fun and see where it goes. Who knows, maybe in a couple months I'll be posting a jam session. We'll see.