cw: Religion, Catholicism
I talked to a priest today. I went to church with my family after taking the meds on an empty stomach. About halfway through the sermon i could feel the panic rising and church has never been a comfortable place to be for me, so I hid outside of the main room.
I sat there on my phone, it was something to focus on, something without noise. The area wasn’t perfectly quiet but everything was dampened.
The priest sat across from me. Asked if I was uninterested in the sermon. Asked if I was with family. I said I was there because of my anxiety. He asked if it was because of all the people and the noise. I opened up about how the church experience has always been triggering for me.
It’s weird how you can just open up to priests. I ended up spilling everything about not being religious and being queer but being there for my family. About being afraid to come out in both regards. Joked about how I’m sure what I’ll be disowned for first, being gay or not being religious. How all my friends are queer and trans. That I have a girlfriend.
It was nice to just tell someone about it.
He said I’d always have a community in the church. Asked if I was baptized. Said I was. He told me that I’d always be a child of God. That God doesn’t abandon.
I’m thinking that the priest approached me thinking I was just a disinterested teenager and hoping to revitalize my interest in the church. Or maybe a runaway teen seeking refuge. I’m not sure he knew what to do with me. I think he was trying to assure me in the way he knew how, saying that there was a community and a good ending. It’s weird that a good ending hinged on me being baptized. That both responses to comfort me were to hopefully reaffirm the place of the church in my life.
I’m almost tempted to try to talk to him again. Dig into the churches belief on queerness and transness. Ask for advice this time on how to move forward with my family. Just to see what he’d say. A 30 something priest. I’m curious.
He asked for clarification when I mentioned offhand about knowing about the churches deal with pro life. I talked about knowing enough theology to know the stance on abortion. He also clarified if all my queer friends were within the church. I said they weren’t. Joked about queer people not usually being involved with the church.
My mom called me asking where I was and that she’d sit in the car with me. He gave me his name and a handshake. He had kind of a resting smile but a tightness to his eyes. I’m quite sure he has no clue what to do with me. I don’t know if this is a man who has had to confront queerness up close. The real effects of the rhetoric of the church. Of a child terrified that they’ll never be known by their family.
I really wonder what that priest took away from that interaction. Most optimistically I hope I’ve planted a seed of radicalization in him. Most likely he’s come away with a story to reinforce a belief that queerness separates. I don’t even know if my church is homophobic. I know they’ve never flown the flag in support. I know a lot of the congregation is.
My greatest fear is that I become a sermon, a story for the congregation. I don’t know what I’d be used to sell. Maybe another story about a sheep lost from the flock. Maybe the prodigal son. A story to fear monger the dangers of queerness, the evil of transness. A story of love and acceptance above all.
I don’t know this priest. His name is Johnathan I think. He’ll be leaving this parish in a month, getting moved to another. He kind of looked like the priest from Wake Up Dead Man, had a similar haircut and beard.
If I become a sermon, I just hope it’s when he leaves this parish. My dad volunteers at this parish. I don’t want this to be the way I’m outed.
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