What Goes Up Must Come Down

Its not that life has been bad per say, but I'm not sure if its reached the same level of good. 

Again, nothing has been bad- my appetite is back in full force, I got to go out with my best friend for the first time in a long time, made sinigang with my roommate, finally got around to customizing the vans I bought back in December which means I can actually wear them now, I'm almost 3 weeks strong with my girlfriend. Yippie!

But on the flipside of that has been relationship anxiety that I've been working through--which is really the least bad of all of it because at least its somewhat expected--, the fact that I've been sleeping A Lot and generally don't have a lot of energy, a couple of mildly worrying urges are back, I haven't been able to focus for shit. 

I think it might be the case of setting my expectations so high that its inevitable that where reality lands is below it. I do want to do things, and I've got things planned so its not just a slog of days ahead of me. However on the day to day I feel like I'm just not doing enough. Maybe putting more things into my calendar will fix that, who knows. 

The Spring is For Winning

 I'M FEELING OPTIMISTIC ABOUT LIFE

Quick recap of the last couple days: 
- saw Project Hail Mary with most of my roomies. ITS SO GOOD HOLY SHIT.
- spent a Lot of quality time with my girlfrienddd. got at least 3 dates planned out to happen for the summer
- I did not get that essay done on time because my gf is a minx. Got it in on saturday though! Shout out the gf for doing citations for me because I was actively having a panic attack 
- Made sure the gf was alive for her first truly drunk experience. It was very fun night even if we didn't actually end up spending time at the bar we were planning to. she now understands the joy of drunk food
- made pasta together too! it was really nice to make food with someone else 
- yesterday went out for thai food with a few roomies because the cool roomie wanted to celebrate thai new year in a small way. It was so good holy shit. 
- also yesterday found out one of my roommates had a crush on me and her and another very much found me attractive and were bonding over it? their words not mine. I'm flattered, I think? I thought finding out these things would be a bigger feeling but honestly after spending 3 straight days with my gf I feel like I just can't be flustered by other people anymore. Or I just havent processed it yet. I think thats the case

Generally I'm feeling pretty good. Its weird to feel bored again with my classes being over, but I'm trying to harness it because it feels pretty different from the end of last year. The summer was a very big question mark of what to do, and now I feel like I've got so many things to do, and so many things I want to do over the summer.  

I think a big part of that is just being on antidepressants this time around. It is actually crazy how much better I just feel about life now. Is my anxiety kind of worse? Yes, yes it is. But it genuinely is like the world has color again. I actually want and crave doing things. I feel neutral to good about my body. I'm craving food like I used to again. It feels insane. 

I also think I'm currently between hyperfixations. My fall out boy has faded from a front of mind hyperfixation to a Solid Interest of mine. Which means I'm just waiting for the next big thing to happen. Not much I can do about it in the meantime, so I guess I just have to continue my hobbies or something. 

I don't know what the future holds but I'm feeling pretty good about it going forwards.  

Crush? More Like Crushing It. And By It I Mean- (HEAD RAT YOU WERE RIGHT)

So uh. I have a girlfriend now. Holy shit I have a girlfriend now. Oh Fuck. Oh Fuck. 

Before we go into it I'd like to thank my best friend in believing in me (and taking credit for the whole thing), the entirety of my household who's been listening to me crash out, everyone who was at my end of sem drinking party yesterday giving me advice, and of course, my crush who started being forward which gave me enough confidence to actually just confess. 

I don't wanna go into the fully gritty details because honestly, I kind of want to keep some of that for myself. But long story short after a whole day of texting during the deadest shift of my short work-study career, a party that left me a little drunk and a whole lot tired, and a conversation with her that was a little bit flirty, that got me the confidence to send a pretty forward text before passing out that led into a pretty forward conversation the next morning (today).

And now I have a girlfriend. (HOLY FUCK)

We had a pretty long conversation about wants, boundaries, all that good stuff. Turns out she's had a crush on me since around the beginning of the year, and has probably been flirting with me since mid march. Only been conscious of herself flirting for like the last couple days though. Which. Oh Stars. This woman was sent from hell to torture me I think. 

AND SHES NOW ACTIVELY TORTURING ME. FOR FUN! I HAVE AN ESSAY TO FINISH BY TOMORROW. (I say this very affectionately but Stars I'm learning why people can't focus when they like someone and all that. My roommates all say I'm quite warm and I think its because I've spent most of this day blushing with my heart beating out of my chest. So glad I don't visibly blush.) 

I also gave her my blog to read so she's caught up on the length of my suffering. She likes my writing which is nice. She also evidently really likes me, which is really nice. She finds what I think is one of my saddest crush writings to be her favourite, which I guess I won't argue if shes the one compliment it. 

Am I terrified of everything because I'm completely out of my depth? Yes. Am I gonna let myself be happy despite that? Also yes. Because love is beautiful and should be enjoyed, or whatever that voice that sounds like my best friend is telling me in my head.  

Anyways. Party I threw yesterday went really successfully. I'm carrying my tradition from the end of last semester of hosting a Day-Drinking party with people from my major. It's day drinking because the first time we were doing it right after the end of our last class which ended around noon or afternoon and a lot of my friends are commuters who had to have enough time to get home. So day-drinking! Despite being a sad drunk who was using my crush situation as entertainment for my friends (who doesn't love trying to fix the love life of a drunk girl), it was overall a really good time. I really love getting to hang with these people a final time before summer. They're also remarkably well behaved, even when really intoxicated, which is greatly appreciated. 

Now I've got that essay to finish. For Friday. Oh man. I'm making progress at least. 

Would also be nice if my meds weren't somehow kicking my ass more, but I guess you can't have everything.  

 

I am a God of Self Control.  I am a God of Self Control. I am a God of Self Control. 

 

New Meds Are Kicking My Ass

They're not technically new meds, just an upped dose of my meds. Regardless they are kicking my ass. 
    It used to just be heightened anxiety, but since I started my upped dose on Sunday its been pretty rough. Pulling an all-nighter that day too didn't help. And the fact that a side effect of my meds is insomnia, so I couldn't sleep at all that day even if I wanted to. 

I felt more high than actually being high. I was admitting embarrassing shit to my best friend. My best friend was also talking me out of doing embarrassing shit. 
    Its really weird actually being relatively aware of myself me high out of my mind, because I think generally I maintain a high level of awareness when inebriated. I could feel how I was just generally more willing to say anything. I would also cry at absolutely anything. Did I mention I also got my period that day too? Insane cocktail of things happening today. 

3rd day on the upped dose (and an actual amount of sleep) is going just alright. I'm still getting a bit high and woozy from the meds and I've currently got a headache but its not as bad as yesterday. My roommate remarked that I seem generally happier so maybe that's the meds working in some way? Who knows. I won't know for another week probably. The fun thing is not knowing whats a side effect from my meds, and whats happening to me because of my period. Cause I wanna say the headache is from my period, but honestly its hard to tell. Generally I have a little less coordination- I feel like I'm texting like I usually do when I'm drunk. Here's to hoping it all works out. 

Anyways- Going out to the lesbian event went well! Even if I think I sprained my ankle from it. Which has been sucking. But regardless. This shitboy made out with 3 women!! I had my first kiss! I was also probably the most drunk I've ever been in my life. I had a lot of fun. Here's everything I think I learned: 
-  Good underwear does so much for my confidence
- Jello shots are evil. They are absolutely the easiest way to get hammered without really thinking about this. Jello shot cocktail of liquid jello shot, set jello shot, and Smirnoff ice is also incredibly evil. 
- drinking 3/4 of a bottle of soju and chugging equivalent to 2 shots before going into the event is also an insane move
- I don't know if its just mouth that tastes bad or if its tasting the alcohol in people mouths. The physical sensation of kissing is pretty cool tho. 
- I am fucking Whipped for my crush. On my 3rd kiss I had the passing though of "this is nice, wonder if it would be better kissing someone I liked". It's over for me.  
- I think I now how a practical understanding of what it means for me to be aromantic (more or less) but not asexual.  It's interesting finally having the data to understand it. 

Last thing to leave off on is that I made a project based on my blog for school! It was for information design. I created an abstraction of my first 2 months of blogging to track my visible emotions and how I personally felt when writing each post. Its pretty visibly a rough time. 

 

 

Love, Selfish Love (The Whole World is Jumping Off The Bridge)

 Going out to the lesbian event with my roommates tonight! Win! 

I have to work on an essay that's like technically overdue but its chill because the prof doesn't care. Mildly stressful but not bad. I believe I'll be able to get work on it done. 

I am thinking about my drunk actions last night. Horrific. Embarrassing. Pathetic. 

I went to a potluck last night, hosted by my chill roomies girlfriend. Technically its a trans potluck, but its really just friends of my roomies girlfriend (which is still majority trans people). 
    Wonderful event. Fun people. I made pasta with my mothers bolognese sauce. It was a hit. I didn't touch it during the potluck because the host made homemade vermicelli and it was a religious experience. 

My first mistake might have been drinking a beer because I wanted to try PBR and someone brought a case as their potluck contribution. And half of my best friends beer because they didn't like it. And then a swig of tequila. And another healthy swig of tequila for the way back because I was under-dressed for the weather. Not enough alcohol to have given me a hangover, I'm chilling right now, but definitely enough alcohol to have me acting in ways I find embarrassing and sad. 

Did I mention my crush was part of the group of friends that went to the potluck? 

Did we spend pretty much half of that night cuddled up, her leaning into me with my arms around her? Yes. She even pulled one of my arms closer so she could lean her head on it. I buried my face into the top of her head at one point. Didn't quite kiss it, but its the closest I'd let myself be. 

Did she give me her sweater for the trip home because I was woefully under dressed for the cold and carry my leftover pasta the whole way home? Also yes. She even remarked that it looked like it fit me, not in the physical sense because I was swimming in it, but because it was matching my black shoes, black fishnets, and the black headphones my best friend let me wear on the way home because I was getting overstimulated. Also said something about "I'd let you keep it" that I think was her badly phrasing letting me wear it the whole way back to my place but my stupid tipsy little heart was fucking running with it. 

Did she also let me sleep on her shoulder for the whole bus ride + subway home? Yes. And I lied about being dizzy so I could hold onto her shoulder on the walks between transfers and on the final walk home because I'm a selfish pathetic drunk. 

Did she also tell me that she was planning on chilling for a bit and leaning on me when we got back to my place? Yes. And we ended up cuddling on the couch for awhile before she decided to reposition take a nap on me, with her head on my lap, for an hour. She stayed until 2 am before heading back to her place.

Of course this isn't the whole story. There are enough moments in between to stomp on my heart and keep it down, but these are all the moments that keep replaying in my mind. 

My friends and roommates are also in the living room right now as I write this out and listening to a playlist on the TV. The song that plays to that animation trend about being together in every universe just started playing. I feel destroyed. 

I already had a good cry because I feel embarrassed playing it all back in my mind. My best friend sent me a text before he came over about having questions about the way I was getting cozy with the crush last night and I ran through the whole conversation that would probably happen where I explain myself and then I had to just sit with my own responses. I sounded pathetic.  

I wasn't so far gone that I forgot anything from last night. That's quite the problem. I remember everything. I remember the way I was thinking. I remembering choosing to be selfish the whole way back because I was tipsy, and could say I was tipsy, and my crush is exceptionally kind. 

At least I have some regular drunk behaviour to be a normal kind of embarrassed about. Mostly the fact that when we were walking the final stretch to my place it was way colder and I was making some insane noises because I really didn't like the feeling. That I know was a drunk thing because I usually want to make those noises but I'm good at clamping it down when not inebriated. 

What isn't helping all of this horrificness is the amount of work that is still left to do for my classes and my landlord pressuring us into resigning our lease early or else we lose getting a solid discount on our rent. And two of my roommates, the roommates that have because some of my favourite people in the house by virtue of being the most comforting presences, are the most unsure about resigning because they don't think they can afford to live here next year, even with the rent discount. Every time stuff about the house comes up in conversation I think I lose the ability to speak. The anxiety of it all keeps getting to me. Not quite being at the end of the weening period of my new meds isn't helping either. Might actively be making it worse. 

Its rough out here. I'm not entirely sure about going out tonight. But I know I will anyways, because we've been hyping it up for weeks and I am genuinely excited. 

 

My cool rommate did my horoscope a couple days ago. It said my next few days will be horrible, especially if I was in a relationship. Explicitly said I shouldn't try to get into one either. Said today would go well for me though. 

I've never been one to believe in astrology, but it's something to hold onto, isn't it? 

I Wouldn't Know What A Gentlemen Prefers, I'm Not Into Men Nor the Gentle Sort

I seem to be on a sudden weird kick for old movies. I finished watching My Fair Lady, and I've just started Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. 

My Fair Lady was one hell of a ride of a movie. And I'm like. Not entirely sure what my takeaway from it should be. Like. Henry Higgins fucking sucks. That guy was horrid. And its like. He kind of comes around? But it feels like too little too late. I will say I was watching on what ended up being a much busier shift than I anticipated, so maybe constantly starting and stopping in the middle obfuscated information that would make it all come together. 

Regardless it was a fun time of a movie. I'm not much of a movie critic, I'm pretty simple about movies. What gets me interested is thinking about the production of it. And this movie was a beautiful production. I think that's the thing that's got me interested in watching old movies--thinking about how it was all put together. How movies are made has kind of drastically changed since then--a lot of things have drastically changed since--and so to peek back into this world is fascinating. After Gentlemen Prefer Blondes I might do a deep dive into older movie production. We'll see. 

In other news, I think I'm getting over my crush okay. My heart feels like a pendulum the way it goes back and forth in believe there could still be a lingering chance, but logically I know there isn't. What I do also know for sure is that if my crush ends up with a girlfriend in the next month, I will become a monster. She keeps making jokes about wanting one and its driving me a tad insane. I'll get through. Surely. 

I'm pretty much in my last week of classes and projects to turn in. Luckily no exams, so once all of this is over and in I'm done. Despite having a lot left to do, I don't feel stressed. Which is pretty worrying. I really should feel stressed about doing more, but sincerely I barely feel motivation to do most things. 

The win for today is that I'm almost a month on anti depressants! They've been making my anxiety generally worse, but I hoping it starts looking up after this month. I've been getting weened on them on a does below the regular, so I'm really hoping it works out. 

I hope it all works out. Thinking about the future has felt like getting a weight dropped on me.