What You Missed On The Shit Boy Show!

Hello! Been awhile. I haven't been writing a lot bc honestly I haven't been up to that much. Mostly just trying to get by and not let the demons get me, so it doesn't feel like anything interesting enough to talk about is really happening. (I fear this is also a sign of my depression ebbing but its fineeeeeee)

So, here's the catch-up montage: 

French Class! 

I'm taking French as a summer class. Technically I have a B1 french qualification but the class is at a A2 level because I did horribly on the level placement test. And honestly, a high A2 feels about right for my level. I'm currently half paying attention to the class while I write this, but don't get me wrong I do really like this class! I just have shit attention. The class is 4 hours twice a week, and its mostly been my instructor going over concepts and things we need to know and then making every single person in this online class speak out loud and read things and form sentences. I feel like I'm learning a lot of stuff about pronunciation that I didn't learn in high school.

New Meds! 

I'm off of the evil meds that made my anxiety hellish and now I'm on stimulating antidepressants. I think it's working to a degree. But I also just feel sadder in general and I don't know if thats the meds or me. That's something to take up with a therapist I guess. But overall, not going insane which feels pretty good!

ROM Date! 

It may or may not technically count as my first date with my gf--idk where we're at on that-- but regardless a very fun time. The ROM is the Royal Ontario Museum and the biggest museum in Canada, and it was my first time going! We pretty much went through everything we could- spent a buncha time looking at pottery, rocks and gemstones, dinosaurs, nerding out about the mention of early typography in the Chinese and Korean exhibitions, and being very excited at the few historical Filipino pieces there were. My gf was very ecstatic about the dinosaurs, gems, and the toy armies. I watched my gf suffer through looking at all of the stuffed animals in the gift shop. It was very cute :). I ended up getting her a triceratops plush that's been named Topaz. He's very cute. 

Topaz the Triceratops! ft a little bit of my gfs hand 

Punk Show! 

You push your best friend to go talk to a local musician and now they've got a job doing that artist's graphic design work. And I could not be prouder. The artist he's doing work for is Rellana (formerly Petrichor) and they just had a single release show on saturday! 
    The lineup was Trainwreck Society (opening with an acoustic set), Bolster (death metal band), Trashwyre (my favorite local act, dance punk!) and Rellana (moody alt rock). It was a house show, same place I saw Trashwyre for the first time, and the vibe was still great. Had my fun bullying highschool seniors and then I realized those kids were Bolster, and goddamn those kids can play. Trainwreck Society (who turned out to be one guy) ended their set talking about wanting to start an emo band and I immediately volunteered myself as a bassist. Talked to them after their set and the vibes were great. Got a shirt from Trashwyre that I'm still attempting to pay for but my bank wont fucking let me, and got to finally see Rellana in person which was a blast! 

Trainwreck Society!

Trashwyre!

Rellana! And yes that is Trainwreck Society on the guitar. 

( I didn't get any photos of Bolster :c )

 

Pride!!! 

Day after the punk show I went to Toronto pride with my roommates. I wasn't entirely sure if I was gonna go check out pride because I already had 2 days back to back of doing stuff but my roommates were going and said "the more the merrier" so I simply had to.    
    We kind of ended up splitting up between the slow group and the fast group.  I was in the fast group with another roomie and we pretty much walked down the whole street, first looking for water before we just got distracted looking at stuff and making our way all the way down the road. We ended up tapping out earlier because my roomie was overtimulated and my feet and legs were hurting like hell. I came out of the parade with one pair of very cute bat wing hair clips. 
    Thing to note about the experience though was that I was carrying a different roomies giant pride flag on a stick for the whole time. And people. Kept. Coming. Up to me. Just to ask for a photo with the flag. Some photos they pulled me in for, others they didn't. But the vibe of it was interesting. Like I don't think I was the only guy with a flag and I wasn't even wearing a rainbow outfit, I was in black and red. So it was just kind of interesting. Also because I have a suspicion that the people coming up to me were tourists that were in Toronto for the Fifa Cup. Which. It was just a weird vibe. 

 

Last Bass Lesson! 

Not a lot of bass playing happened but I cant bring myself to be annoyed about it. It was nice to just talk with an elder punk and get advice about existing in the scene. Remember how I talked to Trainwreck Society? Well we kept talking and they ended up sending me a demo without any bass on it. I haven't written any bass lines before. I ended up talking about it with my teacher and we showing it to him and getting his advice on writing bass lines. Which ended up with us just talking about the local scene, him being happy to hear theres new diy venues, talking about the Sneaky Dees possible closure which was interesting because he ended up telling about his experience playing there with his band (which I unfortunately never got the name of :( ) and how they brought in 200 people and then were expected to be out promptly by 9pm for emonite. Which. Really sucks. Got the name of another local diy venue and got some words of encouragement about playing and playing in a band. "Above all, be a good hang" was his final advice, "It's better to play with people you like hanging with". 
    I'm really glad I took these lessons, even if they were just for the month. Honestly I think I kind of needed them. I needed something to kick me back into having fun with bass, and I think I got a lot out of the lessons. 

Where Was I? How Did I Get Here? (Could I Get Someone Else to Go The Rest of the Way?)

Good news! Dyeing my hair went great!

Bad news! Life is kicking me in the balls again for no apparent reason. 

The hardest thing to accept about going on the whole mental health journey is that as good as it is for awhile, there will still be down days. Today is one of those. 

Morning started off okay. Stayed in bed for a bit. Had some realizations. Texted my gf. Cried a lot. Got better. Got bad. Mother told me we were going out. That wasn't happening for me. Listened to Pretty Odd and played minecraft. Texted my best friend. Cried a little more. Got better and put myself together enough to make a banana choco peanutbutter smoothie. Glorious. Cleaned up. Back to my room. Slowly the anxiety comes creeping back. I'm waiting for my Mom and Brother to come back because my Mom wants to go out for lunch. I trying to keep myself together for that but as the clock ticks the anxiety builds and I can feel the watery pressure behind my eyes. 

On days like this, even if I stop crying, the feeling doesn't really leave. 

One of the revelations of the day is that I have a tendency to measure my success in relation to other people. If I'm doing better than others, that means I'm doing well. If they're doing better than me, that means I'm failing. You can see how this isn't good.

I feel like I haven't had a win for awhile. Like a real personal win. I have the rest of my driving school instruction to get through that I can barely lug through. My efforts to create my project for my portfolio that I need desperately before September comes are crawling at best. My mother tells me she doesn't have long left, I think shes paranoid. The finances of my family are unknown but I know just enough to know it isn't great. I can't bring myself to work. I need to start looking for a 7th roommate for the next year. I'm doing so little and yet I'm so stressed. 

I think they're home. 

I'm not ready to put myself together yet.  

I hate to see the success of my friends reflect an image of my failure. I'm happy for them, I am, but that joy is undercut by a stab in a heart and a voice saying "why aren't you doing the same? Why can't you get yourself together to work". 

. 

I came back from lunch. I still feel like I don't have enough energy to be expressive. But at least I'm moving. My best friend is streaming playing a fangame where you get sold to the beatles One Direction style. It's already lifting my mood. 

I love my friends.  

My Impulses are't Controlled, They're Free Range

So I'm finally off the meds that were evil for me. It was absolutely the meds because after a week, I'm realizing I do very much just have general anxiety, but its not that bad on average. We've got a new one prescribed, a stimulating antidepressant apparently, so we'll see how that goes. I love playing drug roulette!!!!!

    Asides from that, what was supposed to be a week long stay in my hometown has turned into me being here for almost 2 months. And I think I'm going a little bit stir crazy. I have good reason to stay at home for the time being, money being the big one, my closest friends being here a strong second, but oh man. I'm going a little insane I fear. 

    I was home alone this morning so I did what any reasonable person would do walk walked the 30 minute walk to the nearest shoppers to get bleach and hair dye. I also ended up with the sequel to a book I bought at shoppers years ago that was amazing (Hench by Natalie Zina Walschots) because I didn't realize a sequel had been released. I'm pretty sure that was the same shoppers I got the first book from too. Funny how that works out. And also headbands that I may or may not have technically stolen. I mean its not the worst thing I've stolen from a shoppers, and these didn't even have proper tags on them so I don't really feel that bad about it. 

    But! Hair dye. To no ones surprise, I'm planning on dying my hair in a way that will further my best friends Pete Wentz kinnie allegations (If those words meant nothing to you, I'm so glad). I'm trying to recreate this look more or less. 

This is the best photo I could find. None of the top of his head unfortunately

How successful I'll be? No clue. I think the look itself is kind of half cut, half dye. I'm pretty sure my layers are severe enough to recreate it, and if not well. I'm about due for a trim. Not entirely sure how much I want to do the top layer but it is really cool. I'm also gonna try my hand at a raccoon stripe on one of my side pieces because I'll probably have enough bleach for it. Should probably find like tape or something for it though. 

    Will my mother be happy with this? Its unfortunate that I am asking myself this question, but jury's out on that one. Shes not much for dramatic changes, and doesn't quite enjoy bold colors and drastic styles like I do. The real question is do I tell her before I do it? No clue. Honestly I'd rather be at the jolly house doing this with friends but hey. Impulse will find a way no matter what.