First Time Was Not The Charm

 I very much love being on the slow realization that the first ADHD meds I got prescribed may not be the perfect fit for me. I've been on a higher dose for almost 2 week after being weened on them on a lower dose for the previous 2 weeks and its Rough out here. My heart rate will just jack up, I get kinda shaky. It actually makes focusing on things worse for the most part because my anxiety has gotten amped up to hell so even if I'm focusing on something I want to be, it sucks ass. Like I'll feel tightness in my chest when I interact with things that make me anxious so I've pretty much just been avoiding what will literally hurt me. And its not even consistent! I've got a collection of low effort activities for myself that aren't stressful to start, and I have to fucking spin a wheel to find out which of those will be the okay one for the day. Oh and its giving me insane paranoia. It's crazy. 

In good news, my appointment with my psych is this week so hopefully I'll be able to get em switched out, or we'll be able to figure out what the issue is. Fingers crossed. 

In better news, I've been reaching out to friends and just talking and it feels really nice feeling like I'm building and maintaining these connections. I finally got to catch up with my favorite gossip buddy, bothered a couple of friends I made from my classes, and I've got a good thing going on with a friend of a friend that I'm trying to build up with where we just send each other animal videos and things.  

Best news is I went and visited the HMCS Haida with my girlfriend for her birthday. Shes a big naval history nerd, and it's the happiest I've ever gotten to see her, which honestly felt like its own present to me. We went around the entire ship, got to talk to one of the volunteers in the radio room for like 10 minutes who I'm pretty sure is a retired sailor who worked sending out morse code. It was all really cool. I ended up getting a lot of photos of any type artifacts because of course my graphic design nerd ass did. We spent about 3-4 hours there and then got burgers before heading home. And because we took the train in, we had to walk everywhere which meant I got to hold her hand a bunch despite the heat. C: Overall, a great trip and a grand win. 

There's also a non zero chance I will be Going Through it within the next month but we'll get there when we get there. Doing my best to not stress over things that I don't have to be when I don't have enough energy to do so. 

The current thing I'm putting off is driving lessons. I've been signed up, paid for the package. And now I have to do 10 hours of online training. And its all in my hands. My very nervous, sweaty, anxious hands. 

I really do need to learn how to drive, and I've been pretty much putting it off since I got my licence at 16, but the wombo combo of just being in cars jacking up my anxiety and the whole pressure of it all isn't helping much. But hey, at least I'll get to learn in the suburbs as opposed to Toronto proper. That feels real scary. 

And in pretty okay news, I think I'm kind of making a connection with my mom finally. Its weird, but its nice. I think being in a very queer relationship and that conversation with a priest has made me reckon with the fact that I'm really not sure if I'll ever come out to her in a full capacity. Shes gotten more religious with age, hell shes been sending me those facebook photos with little prayers daily-- and they're always different and contextual for the day or month or season. I really want to believe that if I come out to her in a full capacity one day that she'd be able to come around, that her love for me as her child would be enough to cut through her own beliefs. I could care less about what my dad thinks, I've never been too close with him, but I know it would devastate me if my mom wouldn't accept me. 

I don't know. I'll never know if I don't put myself out there, but I don't know if the price of knowledge is worth the pain.  

 

I Talked to a Priest Today (and Cried My Eyes Out)

 cw: Religion, Catholicism

I talked to a priest today. I went to church with my family after taking the meds on an empty stomach. About halfway through the sermon i could feel the panic rising and church has never been a comfortable place to be for me, so I hid outside of the main room. 

I sat there on my phone, it was something to focus on, something without noise. The area wasn’t perfectly quiet but everything was dampened. 

The priest sat across from me. Asked if I was uninterested in the sermon. Asked if I was with family. I said I was there because of my anxiety. He asked if it was because of all the people and the noise. I opened up about how the church experience has always been triggering for me. 

It’s weird how you can just open up to priests. I ended up spilling everything about not being religious and being queer but being there for my family. About being afraid to come out in both regards. Joked about how I’m sure what I’ll be disowned for first, being gay or not being religious. How all my friends are queer and trans. That I have a girlfriend. 

It was nice to just tell someone about it.   

He said I’d always have a community in the church. Asked if I was baptized. Said I was. He told me that I’d always be a child of God. That God doesn’t abandon. 

I’m thinking that the priest approached me thinking I was just a disinterested teenager and hoping to revitalize my interest in the church. Or maybe a runaway teen seeking refuge. I’m not sure he knew what to do with me. I think he was trying to assure me in the way he knew how, saying that there was a community and a good ending. It’s weird that a good ending hinged on me being baptized. That both responses to comfort me were to hopefully reaffirm the place of the church in my life. 

I’m almost tempted to try to talk to him again. Dig into the churches belief on queerness and transness. Ask for advice this time on how to move forward with my family. Just to see what he’d say. A 30 something priest. I’m curious. 

He asked for clarification when I mentioned offhand about knowing about the churches deal with pro life. I talked about knowing enough theology to know the stance on abortion. He also clarified if all my queer friends were within the church. I said they weren’t. Joked about queer people not usually being involved with the church. 

My mom called me asking where I was and that she’d sit in the car with me. He gave me his name and a handshake. He had kind of a resting smile but a tightness to his eyes. I’m quite sure he has no clue what to do with me. I don’t know if this is a man who has had to confront queerness up close. The real effects of the rhetoric of the church. Of a child terrified that they’ll never be known by their family. 

I really wonder what that priest took away from that interaction. Most optimistically I hope I’ve planted a seed of radicalization in him. Most likely he’s come away with a story to reinforce a belief that queerness separates. I don’t even know if my church is homophobic. I know they’ve never flown the flag in support. I know a lot of the congregation is. 

My greatest fear is that I become a sermon, a story for the congregation. I don’t know what I’d be used to sell. Maybe another story about a sheep lost from the flock. Maybe the prodigal son. A story to fear monger the dangers of queerness, the evil of transness. A story of love and acceptance above all. 

I don’t know this priest. His name is Johnathan I think. He’ll be leaving this parish in a month, getting moved to another. He kind of looked like the priest from Wake Up Dead Man, had a similar haircut and beard. 

If I become a sermon, I just hope it’s when he leaves this parish. My dad volunteers at this parish. I don’t want this to be the way I’m outed. 

Unraveling My Mind and 2 Goddamn Projects Because I'm Bad at Judging Yarn Lengths

I think the anxiety is mostly the meds. That doesn't make it much better because everything feels like its taken kind of a nosedive since my last post, but we're holding on and I think there's only up from here. At the very least I don't think I'm going through any more meds increases for awhile. 

    The worst part of my consistently medically induced anxiety is that varying things have now become points of anxiousness. Spending money. Eating food. Getting out of my room. Interacting with my family. I'm now having nightmares and I barely dreamt before. Albeit my nightmares are very similar to the few dreams I do remember, which are incredibly mundane in nature. The consistent thread going through all of them is there being some kind of extreme stress in simple situations. Not knowing there was a project to be turned in, having to find a 7th roommate, having to choose what clothes to wear. Which were all the actual premises of dreams I've had. 

In the meantime I have my bass, and I have a pound of yarn that I'm trying to crochet into a scarf. 
    I've signed up for weekly bass lessons. Originally I was planning on going for guitar but I honestly think it'll be more beneficial for me to go in for bass lessons. I think I'll get more theory learning out of taking bass lessons. It also gives me a reasonable weekly pressure to work and practice. So here's to hoping that goes well.
    In the midst of my anxiety fuelled week and everything kind of being evil to attempt, crochet has been my peaceful escape. It started with me crocheting a single ball of yarn into a skinny scarf--which I had to redo because I thought I could make a thicker scarf, I couldn't. Now I'm planning on getting through a pound of yarn that I had bought years ago for a different project that I never actually followed through on. I have no clue what row I'm currently on but I'd say I'm making pretty okay progress. The pattern looks complex but its actually not too bad once you get used to the patterns. The techniques themselves are pretty simplistic and its incredibly repetitive, it just takes some time to wrap your head around it. This is also my second pass at making this pattern, I frogged the entirety of my first attempt. 

Scarf pattern from This Video

 

I should probably eat. I'm not letting myself play stardew with the gf without eating first.  

A Beaver Can't Stop Niagra Falls and Other Phrases I Made Up

Unfortunately this is not a list of other phrases I made up, though there have been many over time. We'll loop back around to my favourite metaphor that I've used later.

In the meantime, general updates. Life is alright. Right now the brain is weird. I'm typing this out because I feel like I haven't been able to properly focus on anything for the last couple of hours. Which is unfortunate because I have many a thing to clean up and the energy to do that feels like its running away from me. 

I had a trial bass lesson on monday, and I'm thinking I'm gonna continue with lessons but I kind of have to justify continuing with lessons first because of moneyyyy. Had a scare of my roommate being missing mid-week-- its fine, her phone was just making her unable to contact anyone in any way for an entire day which combined with an unfortunate coincidence of events made for an incredibly stressful situation. My best friend went through the ringer this week ending a relationship and I was there for the whole journey. 

My girlfriend visited today and it was really nice. We made matching bracelets for our one month anniversary and watched Mean Girls together. It was technically my first time watching Mean Girls in its entirety and it was so fun. I love an insane 2000s teen movie. 

I'm currently avoiding putting together an application for a thing I was excited to apply for because it involves putting together an application. And my portfolio. And looking at my past work. All things my brain is really not inclined towards and would rather avoid at all costs. Which isn't fun when I want to do those things. 

I kind of had a moment recently realizing that I'm not as good of a designer as I thought I was. Now before you immediately rebuke, let me explain. I'm pretty okay all things considered, and I'd say my work is solid. However, I think internally for the last while I've been holding my work up way higher than it deserves to be. Like delusionally higher. And having to look at my work again kind of snapped me out of it because coming back to my design work I just feel bored. Like really bored. I've been pushing towards minimalism and for what? Its fine, its alright, its effective for what it needs to be, but I'm just unsatisfied looking at it. I'm not the best of the best in my year and that's okay, but Stars I need to find the motivation in me to try to push towards anything. 

I don't design in my free time, and I need to change that, both for the sake of my future career but also just because I need to get into the habit. As much as I'm unsure if I want to really keep pursuing design despite enjoying the process for the most part, I don't want to be failing in what I'm currently doing. 

I think I'm just anxious. And I'm not sure if its me or the meds. Stars I hope its the meds. 

Documenting Befores Is Something I Always Forget Until After

Tomorrow I start my new prescriptions: an upped dose of my antidepressants to ween me onto double of my current dose, but more importantly ADHD meds (sparkle sparkle). 

So I'd like to take a moment to note how I've been doing to have a more direct before and after. 

As of the last couple of days I've been extremely tired and listless--whether that's despite eating well or because I've been eating well, I'm not sure. Focus has been as hard as ever because of that since the effort involved in doing things usually involves moving and wanting to get up. Anxiety has been weird to say the least. Only had one day in the past 2 week where getting out of bed felt Evil and scary. My appetite is good at least, which I'm savouring before it gets fucking destroyed in the next couple of weeks. 

What I'm not looking forward to is doing all of this with the audience of a lot more people than usual. I'm back in my hometown, I've got extended family staying over until Saturday, and I've already made plans to see all my hometown friends next week. So this will be Fun time trying to exist on what I'm thinking will be hard mode for the next hot minute. Less so hard mode, but like when you eat a mushroom in a videogame and the screen goes all wonky. Honestly that's what dealing with the shitty side effects of getting used to new dosages feels like to me. 

The only thing that I'm a little anxious about right now is that I've been hearing that the specific meds I'm going on has a tendency to kind of take the spark out of people. I mean generally that's what I've heard about people going onto ADHD meds. Which is interesting unto itself. I already feel like my personality has shifted a bit since going onto antidepressants, so while I'm definitely interested in seeing what happens to me on the new drug cocktail. 

I'm So Normal I Swear (Survived the Psychiatrist)

 I survived my appointment with the psychiatrist! 

He was an. Interesting man. Not in the way where he was weird. I just don't think I would be able to have a proper conversation with him outside of this context. Which doesn't bode well for someone I have to spill my issues to in order to get meds but What Ever! 

Bros working theory is that I've got ADHD, anxiety, and depression-- which yeah, that checks out. I'm getting my current antidepressants upped, which will suuuuck for the next month so here's hoping its worth it, and put onto stimulants. 

Also having that appointment made me realize a couple of things: 

1. I still have no idea what people mean when they say racing thoughts. 
    The way my head works, I have an ongoing internal monologue that is literally just my speaking voice but in my head--speaking as if I was having a conversation, but obviously inside-- and I get like images of things, like visualized concepts. So I think my closest equivalent is I'll have times where I'm taking in a lot of information from the external world, like sounds, sights, smells, but I really don't ever have much going on in my head. It feels like it's always one thing, two things happening at best. Its pretty quiet up there. I think that's part of why I have to process things externally, like speak through a whole plan or idea in order to figure out what I'm doing.

2. I don't really have aspirations. 
    I had a similar realization like 2 days earlier but the appointment cemented it for me. The realization I had 2 days ago was that I have very little anxiety about my future because I just don't think about it happening. If someone were to ask me where I see myself in 5 years, I have a guess on things I could be doing based on people tell me I'm good at, but really nothing comes to mind. Like literally nothing comes to mind, it's all blank. I don't know if I've ever thought of myself in the far future living a complex life. It was always the assumption of life. If I’m alive then, I must be doing something to have gotten me there.
    The world exists in the now for me, yesterday is gone in the tide and the future is out of mind until it happens. I think that's why recently, making plans has been really good for me. It gives me something to constantly be looking forward to, a reason to keep checking my calendar, a reminder that time is passing. 

 3. I'm either really disconnected from my emotions, or I don't entirely feel them 
    The psychiatrist was asking a lot of emotion questions and those ones are always really hard for me because I'm not super in tune with myself there. When the doc asked if I was an emotional person, I said I was dramatic but not emotional. I react largely to things, but I don't think I really feel that much when things happen. I think I only started fully fully processing my emotions in my first year of uni. So like late 2024.  
    It's weird because I'm slowly realizing that I've always had a disconnect in feeling emotions. Since I was a kid I've been conceptualizing myself as a divided body. Mind and Body. The mind was logical thought, the body was physical need and emotional reactions. So since I was a kid I'd have bouts where I'd start crying but I wouldn't be sad. And I wouldn't be rendered helpless or helpless feeling the way you do when you sad cry. I would just be crying but my brain would still be fully functional for conversation and process, and the crying felt like a weird interruption to that. And that would happen when I was getting feedback from teachers in school since I was like 8. And my poor teacher would be looking at a crying 8 year old who's going "no please continue, this just happens". 

The big down of all of this is at the end of the appointment I asked about what I'd have to do to do an pysch evaluation for autism, and then proceeded to find out that my doctor doesn't believe in non stereotypical autism. Like the first thing out of his mouth when I said I was considering an autism diagnosis was "oh I would know if you had autism because you'd have to have your mom in here with you and she'd be stopping you from touching the computer and pulling at my ear." And the banger "There's aspergers, the smart ones, and then there's autism, the ones with lower intellect." It upset me. So much to hear a fucking doctor spew all that shit. He fucking pulled The Good Doctor as an example. I was losing my fucking mind. 

So anyways. I get to look forward to adjusting to meds again, and adjusting to all of that while meeting up with a buncha friends next week. Girlfriend visit on Sunday save meeeee.