Crush? More Like Crushing It. And By It I Mean- (HEAD RAT YOU WERE RIGHT)

So uh. I have a girlfriend now. Holy shit I have a girlfriend now. Oh Fuck. Oh Fuck. 

Before we go into it I'd like to thank my best friend in believing in me (and taking credit for the whole thing), the entirety of my household who's been listening to me crash out, everyone who was at my end of sem drinking party yesterday giving me advice, and of course, my crush who started being forward which gave me enough confidence to actually just confess. 

I don't wanna go into the fully gritty details because honestly, I kind of want to keep some of that for myself. But long story short after a whole day of texting during the deadest shift of my short work-study career, a party that left me a little drunk and a whole lot tired, and a conversation with her that was a little bit flirty, that got me the confidence to send a pretty forward text before passing out that led into a pretty forward conversation the next morning (today).

And now I have a girlfriend. (HOLY FUCK)

We had a pretty long conversation about wants, boundaries, all that good stuff. Turns out she's had a crush on me since around the beginning of the year, and has probably been flirting with me since mid march. Only been conscious of herself flirting for like the last couple days though. Which. Oh Stars. This woman was sent from hell to torture me I think. 

AND SHES NOW ACTIVELY TORTURING ME. FOR FUN! I HAVE AN ESSAY TO FINISH BY TOMORROW. (I say this very affectionately but Stars I'm learning why people can't focus when they like someone and all that. My roommates all say I'm quite warm and I think its because I've spent most of this day blushing with my heart beating out of my chest. So glad I don't visibly blush.) 

I also gave her my blog to read so she's caught up on the length of my suffering. She likes my writing which is nice. She also evidently really likes me, which is really nice. She finds what I think is one of my saddest crush writings to be her favourite, which I guess I won't argue if shes the one compliment it. 

Am I terrified of everything because I'm completely out of my depth? Yes. Am I gonna let myself be happy despite that? Also yes. Because love is beautiful and should be enjoyed, or whatever that voice that sounds like my best friend is telling me in my head.  

Anyways. Party I threw yesterday went really successfully. I'm carrying my tradition from the end of last semester of hosting a Day-Drinking party with people from my major. It's day drinking because the first time we were doing it right after the end of our last class which ended around noon or afternoon and a lot of my friends are commuters who had to have enough time to get home. So day-drinking! Despite being a sad drunk who was using my crush situation as entertainment for my friends (who doesn't love trying to fix the love life of a drunk girl), it was overall a really good time. I really love getting to hang with these people a final time before summer. They're also remarkably well behaved, even when really intoxicated, which is greatly appreciated. 

Now I've got that essay to finish. For Friday. Oh man. I'm making progress at least. 

Would also be nice if my meds weren't somehow kicking my ass more, but I guess you can't have everything.  

 

I am a God of Self Control.  I am a God of Self Control. I am a God of Self Control. 

 

New Meds Are Kicking My Ass

They're not technically new meds, just an upped dose of my meds. Regardless they are kicking my ass. 
    It used to just be heightened anxiety, but since I started my upped dose on Sunday its been pretty rough. Pulling an all-nighter that day too didn't help. And the fact that a side effect of my meds is insomnia, so I couldn't sleep at all that day even if I wanted to. 

I felt more high than actually being high. I was admitting embarrassing shit to my best friend. My best friend was also talking me out of doing embarrassing shit. 
    Its really weird actually being relatively aware of myself me high out of my mind, because I think generally I maintain a high level of awareness when inebriated. I could feel how I was just generally more willing to say anything. I would also cry at absolutely anything. Did I mention I also got my period that day too? Insane cocktail of things happening today. 

3rd day on the upped dose (and an actual amount of sleep) is going just alright. I'm still getting a bit high and woozy from the meds and I've currently got a headache but its not as bad as yesterday. My roommate remarked that I seem generally happier so maybe that's the meds working in some way? Who knows. I won't know for another week probably. The fun thing is not knowing whats a side effect from my meds, and whats happening to me because of my period. Cause I wanna say the headache is from my period, but honestly its hard to tell. Generally I have a little less coordination- I feel like I'm texting like I usually do when I'm drunk. Here's to hoping it all works out. 

Anyways- Going out to the lesbian event went well! Even if I think I sprained my ankle from it. Which has been sucking. But regardless. This shitboy made out with 3 women!! I had my first kiss! I was also probably the most drunk I've ever been in my life. I had a lot of fun. Here's everything I think I learned: 
-  Good underwear does so much for my confidence
- Jello shots are evil. They are absolutely the easiest way to get hammered without really thinking about this. Jello shot cocktail of liquid jello shot, set jello shot, and Smirnoff ice is also incredibly evil. 
- drinking 3/4 of a bottle of soju and chugging equivalent to 2 shots before going into the event is also an insane move
- I don't know if its just mouth that tastes bad or if its tasting the alcohol in people mouths. The physical sensation of kissing is pretty cool tho. 
- I am fucking Whipped for my crush. On my 3rd kiss I had the passing though of "this is nice, wonder if it would be better kissing someone I liked". It's over for me.  
- I think I now how a practical understanding of what it means for me to be aromantic (more or less) but not asexual.  It's interesting finally having the data to understand it. 

Last thing to leave off on is that I made a project based on my blog for school! It was for information design. I created an abstraction of my first 2 months of blogging to track my visible emotions and how I personally felt when writing each post. Its pretty visibly a rough time. 

 

 

Love, Selfish Love (The Whole World is Jumping Off The Bridge)

 Going out to the lesbian event with my roommates tonight! Win! 

I have to work on an essay that's like technically overdue but its chill because the prof doesn't care. Mildly stressful but not bad. I believe I'll be able to get work on it done. 

I am thinking about my drunk actions last night. Horrific. Embarrassing. Pathetic. 

I went to a potluck last night, hosted by my chill roomies girlfriend. Technically its a trans potluck, but its really just friends of my roomies girlfriend (which is still majority trans people). 
    Wonderful event. Fun people. I made pasta with my mothers bolognese sauce. It was a hit. I didn't touch it during the potluck because the host made homemade vermicelli and it was a religious experience. 

My first mistake might have been drinking a beer because I wanted to try PBR and someone brought a case as their potluck contribution. And half of my best friends beer because they didn't like it. And then a swig of tequila. And another healthy swig of tequila for the way back because I was under-dressed for the weather. Not enough alcohol to have given me a hangover, I'm chilling right now, but definitely enough alcohol to have me acting in ways I find embarrassing and sad. 

Did I mention my crush was part of the group of friends that went to the potluck? 

Did we spend pretty much half of that night cuddled up, her leaning into me with my arms around her? Yes. She even pulled one of my arms closer so she could lean her head on it. I buried my face into the top of her head at one point. Didn't quite kiss it, but its the closest I'd let myself be. 

Did she give me her sweater for the trip home because I was woefully under dressed for the cold and carry my leftover pasta the whole way home? Also yes. She even remarked that it looked like it fit me, not in the physical sense because I was swimming in it, but because it was matching my black shoes, black fishnets, and the black headphones my best friend let me wear on the way home because I was getting overstimulated. Also said something about "I'd let you keep it" that I think was her badly phrasing letting me wear it the whole way back to my place but my stupid tipsy little heart was fucking running with it. 

Did she also let me sleep on her shoulder for the whole bus ride + subway home? Yes. And I lied about being dizzy so I could hold onto her shoulder on the walks between transfers and on the final walk home because I'm a selfish pathetic drunk. 

Did she also tell me that she was planning on chilling for a bit and leaning on me when we got back to my place? Yes. And we ended up cuddling on the couch for awhile before she decided to reposition take a nap on me, with her head on my lap, for an hour. She stayed until 2 am before heading back to her place.

Of course this isn't the whole story. There are enough moments in between to stomp on my heart and keep it down, but these are all the moments that keep replaying in my mind. 

My friends and roommates are also in the living room right now as I write this out and listening to a playlist on the TV. The song that plays to that animation trend about being together in every universe just started playing. I feel destroyed. 

I already had a good cry because I feel embarrassed playing it all back in my mind. My best friend sent me a text before he came over about having questions about the way I was getting cozy with the crush last night and I ran through the whole conversation that would probably happen where I explain myself and then I had to just sit with my own responses. I sounded pathetic.  

I wasn't so far gone that I forgot anything from last night. That's quite the problem. I remember everything. I remember the way I was thinking. I remembering choosing to be selfish the whole way back because I was tipsy, and could say I was tipsy, and my crush is exceptionally kind. 

At least I have some regular drunk behaviour to be a normal kind of embarrassed about. Mostly the fact that when we were walking the final stretch to my place it was way colder and I was making some insane noises because I really didn't like the feeling. That I know was a drunk thing because I usually want to make those noises but I'm good at clamping it down when not inebriated. 

What isn't helping all of this horrificness is the amount of work that is still left to do for my classes and my landlord pressuring us into resigning our lease early or else we lose getting a solid discount on our rent. And two of my roommates, the roommates that have because some of my favourite people in the house by virtue of being the most comforting presences, are the most unsure about resigning because they don't think they can afford to live here next year, even with the rent discount. Every time stuff about the house comes up in conversation I think I lose the ability to speak. The anxiety of it all keeps getting to me. Not quite being at the end of the weening period of my new meds isn't helping either. Might actively be making it worse. 

Its rough out here. I'm not entirely sure about going out tonight. But I know I will anyways, because we've been hyping it up for weeks and I am genuinely excited. 

 

My cool rommate did my horoscope a couple days ago. It said my next few days will be horrible, especially if I was in a relationship. Explicitly said I shouldn't try to get into one either. Said today would go well for me though. 

I've never been one to believe in astrology, but it's something to hold onto, isn't it? 

I Wouldn't Know What A Gentlemen Prefers, I'm Not Into Men Nor the Gentle Sort

I seem to be on a sudden weird kick for old movies. I finished watching My Fair Lady, and I've just started Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. 

My Fair Lady was one hell of a ride of a movie. And I'm like. Not entirely sure what my takeaway from it should be. Like. Henry Higgins fucking sucks. That guy was horrid. And its like. He kind of comes around? But it feels like too little too late. I will say I was watching on what ended up being a much busier shift than I anticipated, so maybe constantly starting and stopping in the middle obfuscated information that would make it all come together. 

Regardless it was a fun time of a movie. I'm not much of a movie critic, I'm pretty simple about movies. What gets me interested is thinking about the production of it. And this movie was a beautiful production. I think that's the thing that's got me interested in watching old movies--thinking about how it was all put together. How movies are made has kind of drastically changed since then--a lot of things have drastically changed since--and so to peek back into this world is fascinating. After Gentlemen Prefer Blondes I might do a deep dive into older movie production. We'll see. 

In other news, I think I'm getting over my crush okay. My heart feels like a pendulum the way it goes back and forth in believe there could still be a lingering chance, but logically I know there isn't. What I do also know for sure is that if my crush ends up with a girlfriend in the next month, I will become a monster. She keeps making jokes about wanting one and its driving me a tad insane. I'll get through. Surely. 

I'm pretty much in my last week of classes and projects to turn in. Luckily no exams, so once all of this is over and in I'm done. Despite having a lot left to do, I don't feel stressed. Which is pretty worrying. I really should feel stressed about doing more, but sincerely I barely feel motivation to do most things. 

The win for today is that I'm almost a month on anti depressants! They've been making my anxiety generally worse, but I hoping it starts looking up after this month. I've been getting weened on them on a does below the regular, so I'm really hoping it works out. 

I hope it all works out. Thinking about the future has felt like getting a weight dropped on me.  

Cry Like In a Movie

 At what point do I get stressed about the amount of anxiety my new meds? Because I started at a 1(lowest out of 10), got to a 10 in the first week, and now we're settled around a 4 that's a 6 on bad days. Today was one of those bad days.

Usually waking up early yields productive days for me. I woke up at 6 am. Actually was awake and out of bed by 8 am. Had a lovely, slow, quiet morning. The quiet is probably what did me in. Thinking about starting my work was like feelings needles prickle. So I didn't. Told myself there was still time in the day before I'd have to start. Went on a walk, came back and had lunch. Had a nap on the couch. Had a panic attack. It got better, but I don't think it's fully gone away. I've just been avoiding the main stressor. That continues to make me feel stressed.  

I binged an anime instead: Villainess Level 99: I May Be the Hidden Boss but I'm Not the Demon Lord. It is as silly as it sounds. The main character is hilariously oblivious and blunt, so despite what should be high stakes, it felt like watching a slice of life. It was only 12 episodes, and the plot progresses pretty quickly, so it was a really nice light watch.

Now I'm trying to hold back from crying listening to Moisturizer by Wet Leg. I found their tiny desk performance. It was lovely. I'd know of the band for awhile but never dedicatedly listened to them. My first mistake was going in knowing it was an album about being in love. 
    I thought I was doing pretty well on the whole crush front. Listened through the entirety of my best friends playlist and moped. Focused on other things. Texted the crush in question as usual with the complete comfort of knowing that we're just friends. Nothing could have prepared me for love songs. Sweet, sappy love songs about dedication and being domestic. That's what got me. I kept looking at the lyrics to the songs. I don't usually do that when listening to music- I focus more on sound than anything else. Those lyrics kept stabbing me right in the heart.

Now I still feel the rolling boil of anxiety. I feel sick to my stomach. My stomach also just doesn't feel great. Eating has been difficult. I think I've lost weight. It's nice to fit into that one pair of shorts but I don't think that makes the rest of this worth it. I need to start working on this project because I'm too paranoid to work on this project tomorrow. My crush is visiting. That project involves print outs of this blog. Why did I do this to myself. 

Detox, Avoid Retox, Because Theres No Chance At Love

And just like that. The crush saga is over. It feels almost underwhelming. 

    My best friend did reconnaissance. There is no chance. There is nothing there. She's just an affectionate and caring friend. She's not crushing on anyone and when she does it's been happening less. I'm not even her type. I know from here on out that I can start to get over it. 

    It hurts more than I thought it would, but I shouldn't be surprised because I've been holding onto this for the better part of half a year. It physically hurts. My chest feels empty. My stomach hurts. My best friend and crush were talking about meeting women and going out to bars and it hurts. Its an unfortunate choice of topic that's hitting me like a ice pick through the soul. It's funny that it feels like I'm actively going through it more than my best friend who just broke up with his boyfriend, but it hurts. I was trying to not cry on the couch we’re all sitting on as she asks if I'm okay. I lied and said it was a headache. Exposure too soon in a too open wound. Salted and twisted, a perfect recipe for pain. 

It’ll be over soon. I’ll get over it soon. I know I can.

    It’s funny that today I relistened to The Rise and Fall of a Midwest Princess by Chappell Roan. Felt a kind of elation singing along to Red Wine Supernova. 

    I almost wish I could’ve had the joy for a little bit longer. I feel like it burned so slow until it lit into a raging fire and that was promptly doused. 

    I’ve decided that if I do tell her, I won’t do it until fourth year. I  think that will be enough time for me to be far away from it.  

- 

So all of that was written yesterday- about right after it happened, but before my crush left and I decided an costume change was in order. Nothing is fixed with a better outfit, but it sure as hell helps. And I think it did. Micro shorts, thigh highs and a crop top do wonders for my self confidence. That and my house allies getting back from watching a movie. They walked into the living room, took in the slutty outfit as I went, "this is my grieving outfit" and filled them in on everything they've missed. 

    Honestly I think the best part of this whole crush saga is just the feeling of community that's come from all of it. Communally lamenting over our varying relationship woes, sharing and bonding and lifting each other up where we need it. At some point we got to talking about pick-up lines and I got to try a couple on the room. What I've learned is 1. Me and my best friend are so fucking platonic its beautiful (I aimed one line towards him and it was just as weird and neutral for both of us), and 2. I can be a little bit smooth with it (I had one good one off the cuff). My choir roommate has also given me full permission to practice on her, and while I don't know how much use I'll be getting out of that, it's nice to know I can. 

    My one thought waking up this morning is that if I look at this whole thing from an outside perspective, it kinda feels like I'm giving up pretty quickly. Like yeah, first sign of it not being able to work out, and a relatively indirect one at that. But I think that's okay. Most of my crush was fuelled by possibility, burning brighter because we were coincidentally getting closer at the same time. Knowing that its gone from "Unlikely but its up in the air" to "Pretty unlikely for sure" is really comforting. It helps me temper my expectations. Sure, some conversation topics will probably be a little sore for the next while--topics that are unfortunately popular ones right now because we're reaching the end of the semester and everyone's becoming a little desperate to party and meet new people--but I can move on knowing that I just was reading things wrong. Will my weak little heart still beat whenever she treats me a little different because we're good friends? Yes probably, but I can lean on knowing that its because we're good friends and that nothing will come of it. And I value friendship above all, that's why I've been going through hell with this crush because I refused to give up a friendship by pulling away from it so I could temper myself. 

    Truthfully, I think there's a good chance I break and tell her earlier than 4th year that I had this crush. Asides from the general idea of her going out to meet other women hurting, the most painful part of that convo yesterday was hearing her put herself down about her chances. I wanted to shake her so badly and scream "You can pull!!! You can absolutely pull! You fucking had me for months!!!!". I stg in the next year if she gets worse about putting herself down in that way I will actually snap and tell her for the ego boost and flattery.

    My best friend made a heartbreak playlist and shared it with me. So I think I'll be listening to that for awhile. And a lot of Fall Out Boy. He said he'd also make a slutty playlist that he'd share to me, so I'm excited for that. The boost will be necessary. I really am excited for that lesbian event after this month is over. Stars know I need it after all of this.  

Doomsday Prepping to Get My Sleep Back

I’m in hell. Having allies in the house is a beautiful thing. 

Yet another day of hanging out with my crush with extra insane moments including:

- “I would do anything you asked” (turns out this was in terms of makeup n gender shit but you understand how that would be an insane thing to hear)

- a one on one conversation about crushes, and how she does really like girls, wants to date a lesbian or a transgirl or a girl with some trans experience, how shes hopeful about hitting it off with an autistic girl  (LIKE ME. ALL LIKE ME. MY LESBIAN GENDER FUCKERY AUTISTIC ASS. LIKE ME) 

- i only got clarification of the “i’d do anything you asked” because I asked clarification hours later and when she rightfully starts asking me “why are you asking? what were you thinking?” i have to save face like “I dunno thats a lot of trust to give me I wouldnt trust myself” and shes like “I’d do anything you asked short of crying” WHICH??????? THATS THE BAR????? (Mind you this is the girl that was pitching that I find a fwbs, befriend someone and “keep the option open” as the solution to my awkwardness about hooking up)

- I was telling her about the lesbian event im going to with some of my roomies and shes asking about the day and saying “tell me when if is for sure and maybe i can tag along. If you end up alone we, can be alone together”. WHICH. ????????????. Im losing it I think

I got to debrief this with my Best Friend, and my 2 allies in the Jolly House (who internally I’ve been calling the Leo Coalition bc we’re all leos struggling in love rn). Whats come of this is some interestingly varied advice from my roomies (and my cool roomies gf who was also there), no clear verdict on whether or not she likes me back, the overall agreement that I’m Fucked, and the confirmation that my best friend is gonna do recon for me—straight up ask my crush (they're also friends) if either she likes me or would even consider me. It sounds kind of forward but I NEED peace of mind. I’ve had the roughest nights of sleep 2 nights in a row because I keep Thinking About It. I genuinely feel like I’m going insane. It is crunch time right now, I can’t be living like this for the sake of my academics.

Stay tuned on the Shitshow that is my love life!!!!