I very much love being on the slow realization that the first ADHD meds I got prescribed may not be the perfect fit for me. I've been on a higher dose for almost 2 week after being weened on them on a lower dose for the previous 2 weeks and its Rough out here. My heart rate will just jack up, I get kinda shaky. It actually makes focusing on things worse for the most part because my anxiety has gotten amped up to hell so even if I'm focusing on something I want to be, it sucks ass. Like I'll feel tightness in my chest when I interact with things that make me anxious so I've pretty much just been avoiding what will literally hurt me. And its not even consistent! I've got a collection of low effort activities for myself that aren't stressful to start, and I have to fucking spin a wheel to find out which of those will be the okay one for the day. Oh and its giving me insane paranoia. It's crazy.
In good news, my appointment with my psych is this week so hopefully I'll be able to get em switched out, or we'll be able to figure out what the issue is. Fingers crossed.
In better news, I've been reaching out to friends and just talking and it feels really nice feeling like I'm building and maintaining these connections. I finally got to catch up with my favorite gossip buddy, bothered a couple of friends I made from my classes, and I've got a good thing going on with a friend of a friend that I'm trying to build up with where we just send each other animal videos and things.
Best news is I went and visited the HMCS Haida with my girlfriend for her birthday. Shes a big naval history nerd, and it's the happiest I've ever gotten to see her, which honestly felt like its own present to me. We went around the entire ship, got to talk to one of the volunteers in the radio room for like 10 minutes who I'm pretty sure is a retired sailor who worked sending out morse code. It was all really cool. I ended up getting a lot of photos of any type artifacts because of course my graphic design nerd ass did. We spent about 3-4 hours there and then got burgers before heading home. And because we took the train in, we had to walk everywhere which meant I got to hold her hand a bunch despite the heat. C: Overall, a great trip and a grand win.
There's also a non zero chance I will be Going Through it within the next month but we'll get there when we get there. Doing my best to not stress over things that I don't have to be when I don't have enough energy to do so.
The current thing I'm putting off is driving lessons. I've been signed up, paid for the package. And now I have to do 10 hours of online training. And its all in my hands. My very nervous, sweaty, anxious hands.
I really do need to learn how to drive, and I've been pretty much putting it off since I got my licence at 16, but the wombo combo of just being in cars jacking up my anxiety and the whole pressure of it all isn't helping much. But hey, at least I'll get to learn in the suburbs as opposed to Toronto proper. That feels real scary.
And in pretty okay news, I think I'm kind of making a connection with my mom finally. Its weird, but its nice. I think being in a very queer relationship and that conversation with a priest has made me reckon with the fact that I'm really not sure if I'll ever come out to her in a full capacity. Shes gotten more religious with age, hell shes been sending me those facebook photos with little prayers daily-- and they're always different and contextual for the day or month or season. I really want to believe that if I come out to her in a full capacity one day that she'd be able to come around, that her love for me as her child would be enough to cut through her own beliefs. I could care less about what my dad thinks, I've never been too close with him, but I know it would devastate me if my mom wouldn't accept me.
I don't know. I'll never know if I don't put myself out there, but I don't know if the price of knowledge is worth the pain.
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