The Future Freaks Me Out

 Motion City Soundtrack, y'all get it. 

I've been holding myself back from the edge of an anxiety attack for the entirety of my class today. I still have a project to finish and a 4 and a half hour shift that I know is going to be busy. 

    I keep forgetting how hard this class is for me. Its preparation for the internship we need to get in order to graduate from our program. I've noticed a trend this year that whenever anything is brought up around the future and job prospects I'm suddenly reeling myself in from an anxiety attack. I can feel my chest tighten, and my limbs weigh themselves down. 

I still have work to do. I still have more to do. 

Time can't pause just because I can't move with it. 

 

 

Yeah, I'm probably the Asshole

I made my first AITA post today to get something out of my system. Immediately got 3 YTAs. I took it down because I don't feel like dealing with that when I am quite literally sick, tired, angry and crying. 

Short of it is my best friends evil ass Ex is one of my roommates now, and I decided to choose violence this morning about warning him that my BSF is coming over. Obviously it turned into a confrontation over text but its. Fine. 

I think I'm kind of definitively the asshole in this situation but its a situation that overall sucks so much fucking ass. My best friend, my closest fucking friend in my life, can't enter my fucking space because this bitch doesn't want to so much as exist as the same building as him. And no one else in my house, this house that is a strong friend group mind you, can fucking know about the fact that they dated because it was a "gay relationship" when we've learned that his Ex never really saw him as a man to begin with. 

I'm pretty sure I am being the asshole. I don't know how much I fucking care at this point. I just wanna have my late nights with my best friend back. I wanna have those stupid conversations you have at midnight because you're bleary and anything goes. I wanna get to see my best friend talk to my other friends and light up the room like he always does. I miss letting my best friend freely enter my space. 

I get that its his space too now. But really is it so much of a boundary when no one knows they ever dated. The answer is probably a yes. A boundary is a boundary. But there's so little I fucking care at this point. This goddamn man is so fucking evil its actually insane. And its not even just me being biased. Every time my best friend explains the situation to other people with an Incredible amount of grace, truly more than that man deserves, everyone walks away from it knowing that his Ex fucking Sucks. 

God I'm sick and I'm fucking tired.  

 My best friend wants violence, but is keeping it down for my sake. 

I don't know how much longer I can hold onto this bullshit without exploding.