Going out to the lesbian event with my roommates tonight! Win!
I have to work on an essay that's like technically overdue but its chill because the prof doesn't care. Mildly stressful but not bad. I believe I'll be able to get work on it done.
I am thinking about my drunk actions last night. Horrific. Embarrassing. Pathetic.
I went to a potluck last night, hosted by my chill roomies girlfriend. Technically its a trans potluck, but its really just friends of my roomies girlfriend (which is still majority trans people).
Wonderful event. Fun people. I made pasta with my mothers bolognese sauce. It was a hit. I didn't touch it during the potluck because the host made homemade vermicelli and it was a religious experience.
My first mistake might have been drinking a beer because I wanted to try PBR and someone brought a case as their potluck contribution. And half of my best friends beer because they didn't like it. And then a swig of tequila. And another healthy swig of tequila for the way back because I was under-dressed for the weather. Not enough alcohol to have given me a hangover, I'm chilling right now, but definitely enough alcohol to have me acting in ways I find embarrassing and sad.
Did I mention my crush was part of the group of friends that went to the potluck?
Did we spend pretty much half of that night cuddled up, her leaning into me with my arms around her? Yes. She even pulled one of my arms closer so she could lean her head on it. I buried my face into the top of her head at one point. Didn't quite kiss it, but its the closest I'd let myself be.
Did she give me her sweater for the trip home because I was woefully under dressed for the cold and carry my leftover pasta the whole way home? Also yes. She even remarked that it looked like it fit me, not in the physical sense because I was swimming in it, but because it was matching my black shoes, black fishnets, and the black headphones my best friend let me wear on the way home because I was getting overstimulated. Also said something about "I'd let you keep it" that I think was her badly phrasing letting me wear it the whole way back to my place but my stupid tipsy little heart was fucking running with it.
Did she also let me sleep on her shoulder for the whole bus ride + subway home? Yes. And I lied about being dizzy so I could hold onto her shoulder on the walks between transfers and on the final walk home because I'm a selfish pathetic drunk.
Did she also tell me that she was planning on chilling for a bit and leaning on me when we got back to my place? Yes. And we ended up cuddling on the couch for awhile before she decided to reposition take a nap on me, with her head on my lap, for an hour. She stayed until 2 am before heading back to her place.
Of course this isn't the whole story. There are enough moments in between to stomp on my heart and keep it down, but these are all the moments that keep replaying in my mind.
My friends and roommates are also in the living room right now as I write this out and listening to a playlist on the TV. The song that plays to that animation trend about being together in every universe just started playing. I feel destroyed.
I already had a good cry because I feel embarrassed playing it all back in my mind. My best friend sent me a text before he came over about having questions about the way I was getting cozy with the crush last night and I ran through the whole conversation that would probably happen where I explain myself and then I had to just sit with my own responses. I sounded pathetic.
I wasn't so far gone that I forgot anything from last night. That's quite the problem. I remember everything. I remember the way I was thinking. I remembering choosing to be selfish the whole way back because I was tipsy, and could say I was tipsy, and my crush is exceptionally kind.
At least I have some regular drunk behaviour to be a normal kind of embarrassed about. Mostly the fact that when we were walking the final stretch to my place it was way colder and I was making some insane noises because I really didn't like the feeling. That I know was a drunk thing because I usually want to make those noises but I'm good at clamping it down when not inebriated.
What isn't helping all of this horrificness is the amount of work that is still left to do for my classes and my landlord pressuring us into resigning our lease early or else we lose getting a solid discount on our rent. And two of my roommates, the roommates that have because some of my favourite people in the house by virtue of being the most comforting presences, are the most unsure about resigning because they don't think they can afford to live here next year, even with the rent discount. Every time stuff about the house comes up in conversation I think I lose the ability to speak. The anxiety of it all keeps getting to me. Not quite being at the end of the weening period of my new meds isn't helping either. Might actively be making it worse.
Its rough out here. I'm not entirely sure about going out tonight. But I know I will anyways, because we've been hyping it up for weeks and I am genuinely excited.
My cool rommate did my horoscope a couple days ago. It said my next few days will be horrible, especially if I was in a relationship. Explicitly said I shouldn't try to get into one either. Said today would go well for me though.
I've never been one to believe in astrology, but it's something to hold onto, isn't it?
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