Doomsday Prepping to Get My Sleep Back

I’m in hell. Having allies in the house is a beautiful thing. 

Yet another day of hanging out with my crush with extra insane moments including:

- “I would do anything you asked” (turns out this was in terms of makeup n gender shit but you understand how that would be an insane thing to hear)

- a one on one conversation about crushes, and how she does really like girls, wants to date a lesbian or a transgirl or a girl with some trans experience, how shes hopeful about hitting it off with an autistic girl  (LIKE ME. ALL LIKE ME. MY LESBIAN GENDER FUCKERY AUTISTIC ASS. LIKE ME) 

- i only got clarification of the “i’d do anything you asked” because I asked clarification hours later and when she rightfully starts asking me “why are you asking? what were you thinking?” i have to save face like “I dunno thats a lot of trust to give me I wouldnt trust myself” and shes like “I’d do anything you asked short of crying” WHICH??????? THATS THE BAR????? (Mind you this is the girl that was pitching that I find a fwbs, befriend someone and “keep the option open” as the solution to my awkwardness about hooking up)

- I was telling her about the lesbian event im going to with some of my roomies and shes asking about the day and saying “tell me when if is for sure and maybe i can tag along. If you end up alone we, can be alone together”. WHICH. ????????????. Im losing it I think

I got to debrief this with my Best Friend, and my 2 allies in the Jolly House (who internally I’ve been calling the Leo Coalition bc we’re all leos struggling in love rn). Whats come of this is some interestingly varied advice from my roomies (and my cool roomies gf who was also there), no clear verdict on whether or not she likes me back, the overall agreement that I’m Fucked, and the confirmation that my best friend is gonna do recon for me—straight up ask my crush (they're also friends) if either she likes me or would even consider me. It sounds kind of forward but I NEED peace of mind. I’ve had the roughest nights of sleep 2 nights in a row because I keep Thinking About It. I genuinely feel like I’m going insane. It is crunch time right now, I can’t be living like this for the sake of my academics.

Stay tuned on the Shitshow that is my love life!!!!