Cry Like In a Movie

 At what point do I get stressed about the amount of anxiety my new meds? Because I started at a 1(lowest out of 10), got to a 10 in the first week, and now we're settled around a 4 that's a 6 on bad days. Today was one of those bad days.

Usually waking up early yields productive days for me. I woke up at 6 am. Actually was awake and out of bed by 8 am. Had a lovely, slow, quiet morning. The quiet is probably what did me in. Thinking about starting my work was like feelings needles prickle. So I didn't. Told myself there was still time in the day before I'd have to start. Went on a walk, came back and had lunch. Had a nap on the couch. Had a panic attack. It got better, but I don't think it's fully gone away. I've just been avoiding the main stressor. That continues to make me feel stressed.  

I binged an anime instead: Villainess Level 99: I May Be the Hidden Boss but I'm Not the Demon Lord. It is as silly as it sounds. The main character is hilariously oblivious and blunt, so despite what should be high stakes, it felt like watching a slice of life. It was only 12 episodes, and the plot progresses pretty quickly, so it was a really nice light watch.

Now I'm trying to hold back from crying listening to Moisturizer by Wet Leg. I found their tiny desk performance. It was lovely. I'd know of the band for awhile but never dedicatedly listened to them. My first mistake was going in knowing it was an album about being in love. 
    I thought I was doing pretty well on the whole crush front. Listened through the entirety of my best friends playlist and moped. Focused on other things. Texted the crush in question as usual with the complete comfort of knowing that we're just friends. Nothing could have prepared me for love songs. Sweet, sappy love songs about dedication and being domestic. That's what got me. I kept looking at the lyrics to the songs. I don't usually do that when listening to music- I focus more on sound than anything else. Those lyrics kept stabbing me right in the heart.

Now I still feel the rolling boil of anxiety. I feel sick to my stomach. My stomach also just doesn't feel great. Eating has been difficult. I think I've lost weight. It's nice to fit into that one pair of shorts but I don't think that makes the rest of this worth it. I need to start working on this project because I'm too paranoid to work on this project tomorrow. My crush is visiting. That project involves print outs of this blog. Why did I do this to myself.