Last Night a Rock Band Saved My Life - The Story Changes
Life's not been horrid.
I got lunch with my mom and my brother yesterday, AYCE sushi at a place behind city hall. It was lovely, I'm glad I got to spend some time with them because I know I won't be visiting home for the rest of this month with all of my final projects wrapping up.
On the way out from that, I decided to not immediately take the subway home- walk off the lunch and visit a nearby accessory shop. I had an item I've been hunting down for my closet so it felt like a good time to cross it off my list. I've been trying to be good about slowly building up my closet full of items I know will get use. About halfway through that trip, I start noticing texts in my group project group chat about what needs to be done.
I'm coming to realize that there is very much a relationship between my avoidance of things that stress me out (school) and making impulsive decisions.
On Wednesday, this manifested as me preparing a DnD character sheet and starting a backstory document.
Yesterday, it was an unfortunate reminder that I have adult money, and the ability to roam downtown Toronto freely.
The amount of money I spent feels shameful- not over a $100 but the fact that I feel the need to specify that doesn't make it better- and going home I was hit for the first time with immense purchasing guilt. I'm usually wrapped up enough in the feeling of New Item joy that it doesn't hit me until at least a week later--if at all--but this was immediate. When I was leaving the last store of the trip I was feeling almost nauseous about it as I made it to the subway. And to top it off, my CD player was out of battery so I couldn't even listen to any of my CDs that I had brought along.
The imminence of doing the project got to me once I got home. I ended up stuck in place on the couch for about 3 hours, mute for longer. My choir roommate (whos a psych student) bets that the muteness is part of a freeze response, the forgotten 3rd in the reactions among fight or flight. There's a non zero chance its related to my (likely) autism.
It's really odd every time it happens, because its not like I stop wanting to be able to communicate, its just that I can't get words out of my mouth. While I was mute, my chill roommate asked "How does that work?" about a game that another roomie had brought down into the living room, Poetry for Neanderthals. I'd played it before and tried to open my mouth to explain it. And I just. Couldn't. Felt like a fish opening and closing my mouth to no avail. Ended up typing it out on a digital sticky note and turning my screen around so she could read off of it.
My voice came back a couple hours later. It's always a weirdly sudden feeling to just be able to hop back into speaking. I wonder if my roommates find it as weird as it is for me.
I managed to get a lot of work done at least, so I'll take that win.
Another win is I've got another thing to look forward to for when this month is over. My cool roommate found out about a local lesbian event at the beginning of next month and got tickets for me and my choir roommate to come with. The event concept is really interesting- from what I remember you get a polaroid taken of you that gets put up on a wall and then at some point in the night you can go up to the people who caught your eye and see if you've matched. The whole idea is it being for lesbians who are unafraid of approaching others. Which. Isn't me. But hopefully putting myself out of my comfort zone will yield good results. That and a drink discount if you find a match. And roommates who are fully willing to wingman my awkward ass.
I don't wanna say life's looking up. That feels like jinxing it. But I think I'm gonna keep trying to look up, because that's the only way to get through.
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