Being aromantic, I've never really cared about Valentines. It's up until this point it's been just another day with a higher chance of candy from generous friends. This is the first year that feels any different.
For one, no candy. Which is unfortunate, but expected. I've got a chance of donuts from my chill roommates new gf as a thank you for introducing them, but I'm not really counting on it. Her planning to making good on my joke about payment for introducing them is sweet enough.
But the big one is just actually being kind of aware of romance for once. In past years I've never had any close friends in relationships, or really friends who were overly interested in getting into relationships-- at least to my knowledge. Now I've got some kind of sad crush--which is honestly is just me being regular with an undertone of feeling pathetic about affection I can't have which truthfully doesn't feel much like romance to me, just really interestingly placed hornyness--, the knowledge my younger cousins are now dating which is something I never really conceptualized, a roommate in a long term relationship who's got an elaborate plan for tonight (good for them!), the roommate I introduced to said gf who've been PDAing the fuck out of the living room, and the cherry on top is learning at midnight that my best friend is now in the beginnings of a relationship, a sappy one at that.
Which all means that I listened and sung to the entirety of From Under the Cork Tree while cooking lunch while telling every roommate that came downstairs that I'm feeling very homophobic this Valentines day and I'm channelling it through Fall Out Boy (btw all the couples surrounding me minus my cousins are gay. I'm gay. My household is all queer. I'm not actually homophobic, just a little bitchy).
Feeling like I'm surrounded by romance for once in combination with my own feelings of general patheticness is just not a fun on a day like this. Learning I've got a good chance of being autistic is kind of putting into perspective the fact that I just don't like change. Change out of my control to be specific. I like predictability, I like when I have some idea of what can happen, either because I have some hand in it or because it's familiar with patterns I can guess at. And now, I'm not totally sure what the future holds. Which also means the revival of old fears. Old fears tied to exactly this- everyone around me being paired off and being left alone in the dust of it all.
I know its unrealistic. I'd have to be an active participant in my own demise for that to actually happen. It's not that hard to just reach out and ask to talk or hang. To communicate how I feel. But fears aren't rational, and feeling like I'm being left behind while everyone else goes out into new waters that I can't quite follow is what it is. And stepping into my own available new waters is horrifying. We've established I don't like change. I'd literally have to dive headfirst into unpredictability. There's no real way to ease me into these things. Add a side of self loathing and constant fluctuation of confidence, and you've got the hot mess that is me. Oh and the last 2 weeks having sucked for me. That definitely factors into all of this.
I'm trying to use my own hate for the behaviour of overly self conscious people to motivate me to just be better than this. If I saw this shit on someone else I'd be annoyed as hell. Which you think would get me going out with a vengeance, but realistically just means I try not to talk about it for fear of annoying my friends. Also going out is expensive!!! I don't think I'm hot enough to get drunk for free, and in this economy I'm sure as hell not getting drunk with my own dime at the bar. That's half a lie. I'm actually a hella lightweight. But the confidence issue still rears its ugly head.
Currently I'm debating between going out tonight with my choir roommate because the weather is actually half okay for once which means we can dress cute without freezing all of our asses off, or asking a different roomie if they wanna play video games with me. Or drinking again. Regardless I might be drinking again. I don't wanna be a sad drunk. I feel like I might be a sad drunk tonight. I shouldn't drink then.
I'm probably actually gonna play a lot of bass tonight. I haven't played bass a lot in the past couple days. That's a better plan.
Happy Valentines to all of you, and a happier Valentines to everyone going through it a little bit more today than other days.
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