Gently Kicking The Roomba

Today feels like the first day I got work done by myself without feeling like the end was imminent. Is it the most relevant work for me to be doing? Well its not the literature review I have due tomorrow at midnight, but I'm planning on working on that after writing this out. 

As much as contacting all of my TA's about help has felt hellish, it is incredibly nice to be reminded in words that I have a lot of support. I think visiting home has helped too. I like my rental, I love my roommates, but I think being back home has been a good cleanse for me. 

It's weird to feel almost functional again. I've been on the up. I think. It's kind of hard to tell. I've never cried as much in my life as I have this week, but as of right now I don't feel like the world is going to crush me. I feel like I'm bracing myself for it to get bad again though. I can feel my anxiety rise and fall like the tide, not really triggered by anything in particular, just the in and out feeling of foreboding. I'm doing my best to rein it in. I'm trying to get as much work in as I can without overwhelming myself, which is a balancing act on its own.

I will say getting back into actually doing work is reminding me that my (undiagnosed but highly suspected) ADHD is a bitch. What do you mean I've gone halfway down 3 rabbitholes in 2 hours. I feel like I need to keep kicking the roomba that is my brain back into the right direction. Oh my greatest fantasy, sitting down to do something and actually getting it done without any internal distractions. 

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I'm really glad I brought my bass home with me. I feel like I just remembered last week that playing bass is a great distraction for myself. If I could bring it with me to lectures I would, but I don't think my classmates would appreciate my front-row-sitting-ass doing that. 

I made a joke when I first got it about how nice it was to just hold it, "maybe this is how guitarists get away with being single for so long. subbing in the weight of a person for the weight of a guitar". My increasingly single-feeling self is very much feeling that now. 

I've added Black Sheep by Metric and Locked Out of Heaven by Bruno Mars to my repertoire. Got about 70% of Runaway Baby learned. Working on learning the rest of Devil on My Shoulder by Billy Talent, and I've been listening to Metallica recently to prep me for learning one of their songs. Had a bit of an epiphany about why I never actually committed to learning a Metallica song, which was that I just wasn't super familiar with their music. I'd heard it a lot because of my guitarist roommate practising their songs, but I'm not super familiar with the songs as is. I've got Master of Puppets and ...And Justice For All downloaded, as well as Black Sabbath's self titled. Also downloaded Roots by Sepultura, which yes, I did get into through Fall Out Boy somehow. Gotta stop feeling shame about that. Gotta stop feeling shame. Eh. Some shame should probably stay.