Doing It Scared Until You Don't

I'm a big champion of "doing it scared"-- doing something even if it terrifies you. It's absolutely hard to always practice by virtue of doing things that scare you, but its a good thing to stick by. 

I feel like I'm doing everything scared these days. It's not quite a different kind of scared. Its still the same fears of not being good enough, of things not panning out and going the way I planned but now there's more.  I'm scared of myself, of the world, my ability to survive. I'm scared of getting up and eating. I'm scared to make make decisions on what to watch. 

I'm scared to exist and too scared to die. 

I don't know where to go from here. I have a therapist appointment next monday. I'm gonna be going back to my rental for the week starting tomorrow. I'm scared I'm going to be more a danger to myself but maybe getting out of this house will be good for me. I've been taking my meds consistently. I don't know if this is the meds. I don't feel much better. Honestly I feel worse. I don't know if its all me or both. 

For the first time I thought about setting a date. Not an exact one, but a month. A maybe, because everything that comes after then terrifies me. 

I managed to offload one of my stresses to a roommate. I don't know if its being done to the degree I'd want it to. I can't find it in myself to care. 

I thought real hard about doing actual harm. Got really close to it too. Put the corner of the razor on my hand and just scraped the top. Only enough to see that white line of dry skin. Did a couple lines like that. The thing holding me back is that it'd be much too obvious. Its too damn hot and I've been dressing as minimally as I can be to beat the heat. There's nowhere it can be without it being immediately obvious. Its a kind of fucked up logic--"If I'm gonna hurt myself I'm gonna make sure it'll be no ones worry". 

I went back to biting. It did not feel like sensory fulfillment. My skin doesn't bruise easily and it bounces back quick enough.  

I went on a walk yesterday. Thought real hard about just walking until my legs gave out. Seeing how far I could get to the other side of town on foot. Walking into a forest. The middle of the street. I made it about a kilometre before I looped back around home. 

Last Saturday I was stuck at a family picnic. Ended up in a conversation with an uncle where he asked if I was interested in project management, if I'd ever consider it. When I'm happy I feel like I could live doing a boring job. Thinking about doing that now feels like its own kind of death. I'd be good at it. I'm sure I'd be good at it. I don't know if I'd live through doing it. I don't know if I'll live to try. I don't know how future me will feel. I'd hope they're better.

My Legs Won't Take Me Where My Head Goes

Its the only reason I'm alive. 

August might take me there.

Or my legs will take me past. 

Over the edge. The middle of the road.

My feet are planted still. 

Away from home. In a ditch somewhere. 

My legs brought me back.  

I can't see a future.

My legs keep walking. 

I don't know where we're going. It feels like nowhere, 

but they don't take me where I want to go. 

I'm stuck.

We keep going.

 

We keep going.  

What You Missed On The Shit Boy Show!

Hello! Been awhile. I haven't been writing a lot bc honestly I haven't been up to that much. Mostly just trying to get by and not let the demons get me, so it doesn't feel like anything interesting enough to talk about is really happening. (I fear this is also a sign of my depression ebbing but its fineeeeeee)

So, here's the catch-up montage: 

French Class! 

I'm taking French as a summer class. Technically I have a B1 french qualification but the class is at a A2 level because I did horribly on the level placement test. And honestly, a high A2 feels about right for my level. I'm currently half paying attention to the class while I write this, but don't get me wrong I do really like this class! I just have shit attention. The class is 4 hours twice a week, and its mostly been my instructor going over concepts and things we need to know and then making every single person in this online class speak out loud and read things and form sentences. I feel like I'm learning a lot of stuff about pronunciation that I didn't learn in high school.

New Meds! 

I'm off of the evil meds that made my anxiety hellish and now I'm on stimulating antidepressants. I think it's working to a degree. But I also just feel sadder in general and I don't know if thats the meds or me. That's something to take up with a therapist I guess. But overall, not going insane which feels pretty good!

ROM Date! 

It may or may not technically count as my first date with my gf--idk where we're at on that-- but regardless a very fun time. The ROM is the Royal Ontario Museum and the biggest museum in Canada, and it was my first time going! We pretty much went through everything we could- spent a buncha time looking at pottery, rocks and gemstones, dinosaurs, nerding out about the mention of early typography in the Chinese and Korean exhibitions, and being very excited at the few historical Filipino pieces there were. My gf was very ecstatic about the dinosaurs, gems, and the toy armies. I watched my gf suffer through looking at all of the stuffed animals in the gift shop. It was very cute :). I ended up getting her a triceratops plush that's been named Topaz. He's very cute. 

Topaz the Triceratops! ft a little bit of my gfs hand 

Punk Show! 

You push your best friend to go talk to a local musician and now they've got a job doing that artist's graphic design work. And I could not be prouder. The artist he's doing work for is Rellana (formerly Petrichor) and they just had a single release show on saturday! 
    The lineup was Trainwreck Society (opening with an acoustic set), Bolster (death metal band), Trashwyre (my favorite local act, dance punk!) and Rellana (moody alt rock). It was a house show, same place I saw Trashwyre for the first time, and the vibe was still great. Had my fun bullying highschool seniors and then I realized those kids were Bolster, and goddamn those kids can play. Trainwreck Society (who turned out to be one guy) ended their set talking about wanting to start an emo band and I immediately volunteered myself as a bassist. Talked to them after their set and the vibes were great. Got a shirt from Trashwyre that I'm still attempting to pay for but my bank wont fucking let me, and got to finally see Rellana in person which was a blast! 

Trainwreck Society!

Trashwyre!

Rellana! And yes that is Trainwreck Society on the guitar. 

( I didn't get any photos of Bolster :c )

 

Pride!!! 

Day after the punk show I went to Toronto pride with my roommates. I wasn't entirely sure if I was gonna go check out pride because I already had 2 days back to back of doing stuff but my roommates were going and said "the more the merrier" so I simply had to.    
    We kind of ended up splitting up between the slow group and the fast group.  I was in the fast group with another roomie and we pretty much walked down the whole street, first looking for water before we just got distracted looking at stuff and making our way all the way down the road. We ended up tapping out earlier because my roomie was overtimulated and my feet and legs were hurting like hell. I came out of the parade with one pair of very cute bat wing hair clips. 
    Thing to note about the experience though was that I was carrying a different roomies giant pride flag on a stick for the whole time. And people. Kept. Coming. Up to me. Just to ask for a photo with the flag. Some photos they pulled me in for, others they didn't. But the vibe of it was interesting. Like I don't think I was the only guy with a flag and I wasn't even wearing a rainbow outfit, I was in black and red. So it was just kind of interesting. Also because I have a suspicion that the people coming up to me were tourists that were in Toronto for the Fifa Cup. Which. It was just a weird vibe. 

 

Last Bass Lesson! 

Not a lot of bass playing happened but I cant bring myself to be annoyed about it. It was nice to just talk with an elder punk and get advice about existing in the scene. Remember how I talked to Trainwreck Society? Well we kept talking and they ended up sending me a demo without any bass on it. I haven't written any bass lines before. I ended up talking about it with my teacher and we showing it to him and getting his advice on writing bass lines. Which ended up with us just talking about the local scene, him being happy to hear theres new diy venues, talking about the Sneaky Dees possible closure which was interesting because he ended up telling about his experience playing there with his band (which I unfortunately never got the name of :( ) and how they brought in 200 people and then were expected to be out promptly by 9pm for emonite. Which. Really sucks. Got the name of another local diy venue and got some words of encouragement about playing and playing in a band. "Above all, be a good hang" was his final advice, "It's better to play with people you like hanging with". 
    I'm really glad I took these lessons, even if they were just for the month. Honestly I think I kind of needed them. I needed something to kick me back into having fun with bass, and I think I got a lot out of the lessons. 

Where Was I? How Did I Get Here? (Could I Get Someone Else to Go The Rest of the Way?)

Good news! Dyeing my hair went great!

Bad news! Life is kicking me in the balls again for no apparent reason. 

The hardest thing to accept about going on the whole mental health journey is that as good as it is for awhile, there will still be down days. Today is one of those. 

Morning started off okay. Stayed in bed for a bit. Had some realizations. Texted my gf. Cried a lot. Got better. Got bad. Mother told me we were going out. That wasn't happening for me. Listened to Pretty Odd and played minecraft. Texted my best friend. Cried a little more. Got better and put myself together enough to make a banana choco peanutbutter smoothie. Glorious. Cleaned up. Back to my room. Slowly the anxiety comes creeping back. I'm waiting for my Mom and Brother to come back because my Mom wants to go out for lunch. I trying to keep myself together for that but as the clock ticks the anxiety builds and I can feel the watery pressure behind my eyes. 

On days like this, even if I stop crying, the feeling doesn't really leave. 

One of the revelations of the day is that I have a tendency to measure my success in relation to other people. If I'm doing better than others, that means I'm doing well. If they're doing better than me, that means I'm failing. You can see how this isn't good.

I feel like I haven't had a win for awhile. Like a real personal win. I have the rest of my driving school instruction to get through that I can barely lug through. My efforts to create my project for my portfolio that I need desperately before September comes are crawling at best. My mother tells me she doesn't have long left, I think shes paranoid. The finances of my family are unknown but I know just enough to know it isn't great. I can't bring myself to work. I need to start looking for a 7th roommate for the next year. I'm doing so little and yet I'm so stressed. 

I think they're home. 

I'm not ready to put myself together yet.  

I hate to see the success of my friends reflect an image of my failure. I'm happy for them, I am, but that joy is undercut by a stab in a heart and a voice saying "why aren't you doing the same? Why can't you get yourself together to work". 

. 

I came back from lunch. I still feel like I don't have enough energy to be expressive. But at least I'm moving. My best friend is streaming playing a fangame where you get sold to the beatles One Direction style. It's already lifting my mood. 

I love my friends.  

My Impulses are't Controlled, They're Free Range

So I'm finally off the meds that were evil for me. It was absolutely the meds because after a week, I'm realizing I do very much just have general anxiety, but its not that bad on average. We've got a new one prescribed, a stimulating antidepressant apparently, so we'll see how that goes. I love playing drug roulette!!!!!

    Asides from that, what was supposed to be a week long stay in my hometown has turned into me being here for almost 2 months. And I think I'm going a little bit stir crazy. I have good reason to stay at home for the time being, money being the big one, my closest friends being here a strong second, but oh man. I'm going a little insane I fear. 

    I was home alone this morning so I did what any reasonable person would do walk walked the 30 minute walk to the nearest shoppers to get bleach and hair dye. I also ended up with the sequel to a book I bought at shoppers years ago that was amazing (Hench by Natalie Zina Walschots) because I didn't realize a sequel had been released. I'm pretty sure that was the same shoppers I got the first book from too. Funny how that works out. And also headbands that I may or may not have technically stolen. I mean its not the worst thing I've stolen from a shoppers, and these didn't even have proper tags on them so I don't really feel that bad about it. 

    But! Hair dye. To no ones surprise, I'm planning on dying my hair in a way that will further my best friends Pete Wentz kinnie allegations (If those words meant nothing to you, I'm so glad). I'm trying to recreate this look more or less. 

This is the best photo I could find. None of the top of his head unfortunately

How successful I'll be? No clue. I think the look itself is kind of half cut, half dye. I'm pretty sure my layers are severe enough to recreate it, and if not well. I'm about due for a trim. Not entirely sure how much I want to do the top layer but it is really cool. I'm also gonna try my hand at a raccoon stripe on one of my side pieces because I'll probably have enough bleach for it. Should probably find like tape or something for it though. 

    Will my mother be happy with this? Its unfortunate that I am asking myself this question, but jury's out on that one. Shes not much for dramatic changes, and doesn't quite enjoy bold colors and drastic styles like I do. The real question is do I tell her before I do it? No clue. Honestly I'd rather be at the jolly house doing this with friends but hey. Impulse will find a way no matter what. 

 

First Time Was Not The Charm

 I very much love being on the slow realization that the first ADHD meds I got prescribed may not be the perfect fit for me. I've been on a higher dose for almost 2 week after being weened on them on a lower dose for the previous 2 weeks and its Rough out here. My heart rate will just jack up, I get kinda shaky. It actually makes focusing on things worse for the most part because my anxiety has gotten amped up to hell so even if I'm focusing on something I want to be, it sucks ass. Like I'll feel tightness in my chest when I interact with things that make me anxious so I've pretty much just been avoiding what will literally hurt me. And its not even consistent! I've got a collection of low effort activities for myself that aren't stressful to start, and I have to fucking spin a wheel to find out which of those will be the okay one for the day. Oh and its giving me insane paranoia. It's crazy. 

In good news, my appointment with my psych is this week so hopefully I'll be able to get em switched out, or we'll be able to figure out what the issue is. Fingers crossed. 

In better news, I've been reaching out to friends and just talking and it feels really nice feeling like I'm building and maintaining these connections. I finally got to catch up with my favorite gossip buddy, bothered a couple of friends I made from my classes, and I've got a good thing going on with a friend of a friend that I'm trying to build up with where we just send each other animal videos and things.  

Best news is I went and visited the HMCS Haida with my girlfriend for her birthday. Shes a big naval history nerd, and it's the happiest I've ever gotten to see her, which honestly felt like its own present to me. We went around the entire ship, got to talk to one of the volunteers in the radio room for like 10 minutes who I'm pretty sure is a retired sailor who worked sending out morse code. It was all really cool. I ended up getting a lot of photos of any type artifacts because of course my graphic design nerd ass did. We spent about 3-4 hours there and then got burgers before heading home. And because we took the train in, we had to walk everywhere which meant I got to hold her hand a bunch despite the heat. C: Overall, a great trip and a grand win. 

There's also a non zero chance I will be Going Through it within the next month but we'll get there when we get there. Doing my best to not stress over things that I don't have to be when I don't have enough energy to do so. 

The current thing I'm putting off is driving lessons. I've been signed up, paid for the package. And now I have to do 10 hours of online training. And its all in my hands. My very nervous, sweaty, anxious hands. 

I really do need to learn how to drive, and I've been pretty much putting it off since I got my licence at 16, but the wombo combo of just being in cars jacking up my anxiety and the whole pressure of it all isn't helping much. But hey, at least I'll get to learn in the suburbs as opposed to Toronto proper. That feels real scary. 

And in pretty okay news, I think I'm kind of making a connection with my mom finally. Its weird, but its nice. I think being in a very queer relationship and that conversation with a priest has made me reckon with the fact that I'm really not sure if I'll ever come out to her in a full capacity. Shes gotten more religious with age, hell shes been sending me those facebook photos with little prayers daily-- and they're always different and contextual for the day or month or season. I really want to believe that if I come out to her in a full capacity one day that she'd be able to come around, that her love for me as her child would be enough to cut through her own beliefs. I could care less about what my dad thinks, I've never been too close with him, but I know it would devastate me if my mom wouldn't accept me. 

I don't know. I'll never know if I don't put myself out there, but I don't know if the price of knowledge is worth the pain.  

 

I Talked to a Priest Today (and Cried My Eyes Out)

 cw: Religion, Catholicism

I talked to a priest today. I went to church with my family after taking the meds on an empty stomach. About halfway through the sermon i could feel the panic rising and church has never been a comfortable place to be for me, so I hid outside of the main room. 

I sat there on my phone, it was something to focus on, something without noise. The area wasn’t perfectly quiet but everything was dampened. 

The priest sat across from me. Asked if I was uninterested in the sermon. Asked if I was with family. I said I was there because of my anxiety. He asked if it was because of all the people and the noise. I opened up about how the church experience has always been triggering for me. 

It’s weird how you can just open up to priests. I ended up spilling everything about not being religious and being queer but being there for my family. About being afraid to come out in both regards. Joked about how I’m sure what I’ll be disowned for first, being gay or not being religious. How all my friends are queer and trans. That I have a girlfriend. 

It was nice to just tell someone about it.   

He said I’d always have a community in the church. Asked if I was baptized. Said I was. He told me that I’d always be a child of God. That God doesn’t abandon. 

I’m thinking that the priest approached me thinking I was just a disinterested teenager and hoping to revitalize my interest in the church. Or maybe a runaway teen seeking refuge. I’m not sure he knew what to do with me. I think he was trying to assure me in the way he knew how, saying that there was a community and a good ending. It’s weird that a good ending hinged on me being baptized. That both responses to comfort me were to hopefully reaffirm the place of the church in my life. 

I’m almost tempted to try to talk to him again. Dig into the churches belief on queerness and transness. Ask for advice this time on how to move forward with my family. Just to see what he’d say. A 30 something priest. I’m curious. 

He asked for clarification when I mentioned offhand about knowing about the churches deal with pro life. I talked about knowing enough theology to know the stance on abortion. He also clarified if all my queer friends were within the church. I said they weren’t. Joked about queer people not usually being involved with the church. 

My mom called me asking where I was and that she’d sit in the car with me. He gave me his name and a handshake. He had kind of a resting smile but a tightness to his eyes. I’m quite sure he has no clue what to do with me. I don’t know if this is a man who has had to confront queerness up close. The real effects of the rhetoric of the church. Of a child terrified that they’ll never be known by their family. 

I really wonder what that priest took away from that interaction. Most optimistically I hope I’ve planted a seed of radicalization in him. Most likely he’s come away with a story to reinforce a belief that queerness separates. I don’t even know if my church is homophobic. I know they’ve never flown the flag in support. I know a lot of the congregation is. 

My greatest fear is that I become a sermon, a story for the congregation. I don’t know what I’d be used to sell. Maybe another story about a sheep lost from the flock. Maybe the prodigal son. A story to fear monger the dangers of queerness, the evil of transness. A story of love and acceptance above all. 

I don’t know this priest. His name is Johnathan I think. He’ll be leaving this parish in a month, getting moved to another. He kind of looked like the priest from Wake Up Dead Man, had a similar haircut and beard. 

If I become a sermon, I just hope it’s when he leaves this parish. My dad volunteers at this parish. I don’t want this to be the way I’m outed.