A Sandwich to Make While High

I made this sandwich this morning (noon) for breakfast because I wanted to make a grill cheese but I had auto-routed and grabbed 2 eggs. 

Ingredients 

• 1 tbsp of Chopped Garlic  
• Butter or oil
• 2 eggs 
• (optional) A splash of milk 
• 2 slices of bread
• Your hearts desire amount of shredded cheese

Steps 

1.  Scramble your eggs. I mixed in milk for texture. You don't have to, but I think it contributes well. Now would also be the time to season your eggs. I forgot to. The sandwich is still good if you forget.
2. Oil or butter in the pan on medium heat. Fry the garlic. I pre-prep and freeze a bunch of chopped garlic so I threw in however much felt good. 
3. Pour the eggs in. Let cook barely. The egg on top should still be runny. Throw your slices of bread on top. I was using a pan that was just big enough to fit the slices of bread side by side. Its not necessary but I would recommend it. 
4.  Cook egg to liking then flip the bread. Its okay if the egg breaks on flip. It probably will. 
5. Onto the egg throw on however much shredded cheese you desire. Then sandwich the slices egg sides together. 
6. Proceed to cook like a grilled cheese. Throw more butter or oil onto the pan to help your bread crisp to your desire. Do everything in your power to make sure the egg is mostly cooked. I ended up sitting the sandwich on a crust side to make the runny egg drip down and fry. It probably wont kill you if its a little runny.  
7. Eat and rejoice.  

 

New Trinket and Feelings On Feeling Evil

Big fan of using a facebook marketplace pickup as an excuse to try a new public transit route. Got to go on the new Eglinton line yesterday. I keep wanting to call it a subway line, but its actually an LRT. I assume it goes above ground at some section, but the route I went I kept me underground. Which I gotta admit is kinda disorienting. 
    LRTs are designed to be above ground- they've got these giant windows to make for comfortable a pleasant viewing of the outside world, on account of the fact that they're slower than a subway which means you can actually take a look outside. Being in one of those cars in pure tunnel darkness kinda felt like one of those analogue horror games.
    Trip went well though! Got my fun item- a bag for holding a CD player with a separate compartment with CD sleeves. It's also got the cutest detail of the zippers being little guitars. I'm taking it for a test run on my shift, and I do quite love this thing. Ended up having a whole conversation with the buyer too- almost forgot to pay her that's how wrapped up we were- about our CD collections, why she was selling it, etc etc. She ended up sending me a photo of her CD collection afterwards too because I was asking. Big fan of when I get a full human interaction out of a marketplace meetup. 

That night I went with some of my roommates + one friend to see Nirvanna the Band the Show the Movie. Amazing, hilarious movie, 10/10. Movies with this kind of humor tend to kind of stress me out, but even despite that it was a blast to watch. Also really fun because the whole thing is set in Toronto so it was familiar in ways that movies don't tend to be for me. Found out once the movie ended that it was based on the webshow of a similar name and my friends/roomies were watching it before they got there and no one told me :(. Probably won't be watching it alone myself, but even without knowing that the movie is a blast. 

What wasn't a blast was my oddly evil experience going home. I don't really know what started it but on the way back I was getting really in my head and overly anxious. Which sucked, especially because it felt like it was kind of coming out of nowhere. I'd had a pretty solid day up until that point. On the final stretch back to the rental house I was practically booking it ahead of everyone just so I could have time without everyone else to settle. Scrambled like a man possessed to get my coat off and get my stuff to my room before they reached the door. Body felt evil, and ended up laying down while listening to Tragic Kingdom by No Doubt so I wouldn't consider laying on the snow filled patio without clothes on. Weird time. Great album though. On relisten today I can say I enjoy it thoroughly. 

Today's been a chill time. I feel like I'm making good leeway on getting back on track on working on projects again. It's nice. The wrench is that getting confirmation of the collateral damage of me Doing Bad for the last month and a bit. The collateral damage in question being two friends of mine getting distant because they were getting bad vibes from me towards them. Which. Not entirely wrong because I was getting frustrated with them for different reasons during that time, but there's more to it than that and I don't feel like dealing out all of it.
   Regardless, I still have the question of "why have neither of them just talked to me?". Because neither of them have. I only ended up finding out about this because I talked to one of them because I'm in a group project with her. A group project that she has barely been showing up to or communicating about. Which is what I was approaching her about. Turns out shes been pulling away because shes been getting really hateful vibes from me and been uncomfortable in the group because of that. Which. Wow okay cool. That sucks and I feel bad because that's the collateral damage of me having a horrible horrible month mentally. There's a lot to unpack there. But the frustrations of her not communicating with the group are just like. Made worse from that. Cool. Alright. 

Generally I've been feeling pretty evil about being around people for the past while. Honestly since the start of the semester. It's off an on, some days are better, some are worse. Some people are better, some are worse. On bad days, the voice of some people is just unbearable and I have to take myself out of the situation if I don't want to feel like committing a murder. And it sucks to feel like you hate your friends for things out of their control. Because I really don't hate my friends, nothing is actually wrong with them- no deplorable behaviour, no real issues- I just can't take being around people sometimes. I just feel evil. 

Maybe I need to eat more. That tends to solve problems. Even if food has been kind of evil too.  

Gently Kicking The Roomba

Today feels like the first day I got work done by myself without feeling like the end was imminent. Is it the most relevant work for me to be doing? Well its not the literature review I have due tomorrow at midnight, but I'm planning on working on that after writing this out. 

As much as contacting all of my TA's about help has felt hellish, it is incredibly nice to be reminded in words that I have a lot of support. I think visiting home has helped too. I like my rental, I love my roommates, but I think being back home has been a good cleanse for me. 

It's weird to feel almost functional again. I've been on the up. I think. It's kind of hard to tell. I've never cried as much in my life as I have this week, but as of right now I don't feel like the world is going to crush me. I feel like I'm bracing myself for it to get bad again though. I can feel my anxiety rise and fall like the tide, not really triggered by anything in particular, just the in and out feeling of foreboding. I'm doing my best to rein it in. I'm trying to get as much work in as I can without overwhelming myself, which is a balancing act on its own.

I will say getting back into actually doing work is reminding me that my (undiagnosed but highly suspected) ADHD is a bitch. What do you mean I've gone halfway down 3 rabbitholes in 2 hours. I feel like I need to keep kicking the roomba that is my brain back into the right direction. Oh my greatest fantasy, sitting down to do something and actually getting it done without any internal distractions. 

- 

I'm really glad I brought my bass home with me. I feel like I just remembered last week that playing bass is a great distraction for myself. If I could bring it with me to lectures I would, but I don't think my classmates would appreciate my front-row-sitting-ass doing that. 

I made a joke when I first got it about how nice it was to just hold it, "maybe this is how guitarists get away with being single for so long. subbing in the weight of a person for the weight of a guitar". My increasingly single-feeling self is very much feeling that now. 

I've added Black Sheep by Metric and Locked Out of Heaven by Bruno Mars to my repertoire. Got about 70% of Runaway Baby learned. Working on learning the rest of Devil on My Shoulder by Billy Talent, and I've been listening to Metallica recently to prep me for learning one of their songs. Had a bit of an epiphany about why I never actually committed to learning a Metallica song, which was that I just wasn't super familiar with their music. I'd heard it a lot because of my guitarist roommate practising their songs, but I'm not super familiar with the songs as is. I've got Master of Puppets and ...And Justice For All downloaded, as well as Black Sabbath's self titled. Also downloaded Roots by Sepultura, which yes, I did get into through Fall Out Boy somehow. Gotta stop feeling shame about that. Gotta stop feeling shame. Eh. Some shame should probably stay. 

Before You Know It, The Wound Will Close

Three weeks ago or a little less--honestly my sense of time is shot-- I cut my finger washing a glass. It was chipped on the edge and I had accidentally got my pointer finger cut pretty deep. 

A little over three weeks ago, closer to a month, I started drowning. 

- 

The lived reality of drowning this way is a weird one.  I spent all of yesterday crying after a group project call drained me. Still went out to Walmart with a roommate and had a good time. Played bass when I got home. Cooked and barely managed to get through the full plate. Texted my mom being fully honest about how I'm doing. Cried more. Celebrated and congratulated a great thing happening to a friend. Jammed with the house band. I'm emailing my TA's about getting supports. I'm meeting up with a friend to go out despite the snow in under an hour. The idea of opening the online class portal for anything fills me with deep dread and anxiety. I'm having a good time hanging out. There's a shadow looming behind me and I'm keeping my eyes forward. 

I was explaining it to my roommates yesterday. It's like touching fire. I touched fire. and it was bad. and now I don't want to touch fire again, I'm avoiding it in every way I can. But I need to touch fire. Touching fire is what I signed up to do. I'm paying to touch fire. But it hurt me, so every time I feel the heat at my hands I recoil. 

I want to have the flame protectant gloves everyone else has on.  

-

Just today I noticed that wound on my finger closed up fully. There's a light pink line where the cut was. The skin around it is a little rough, but its flush with everything else. No bump, no swelling. 

I'm hoping that's what it'll be like to get out of the water. To realize that its only lapping at my ankles, or even that my feet are completely dry. 

 

It's Cuffing Season and I'm Over It (A Very Emo Valentines Day)

Being aromantic, I've never really cared about Valentines. It's up until this point it's been just another day with a higher chance of candy from generous friends. This is the first year that feels any different. 

For one, no candy. Which is unfortunate, but expected. I've got a chance of donuts from my chill roommates new gf as a thank you for introducing them, but I'm not really counting on it. Her planning to making good on my joke about payment for introducing them is sweet enough. 

But the big one is just actually being kind of aware of romance for once. In past years I've never had any close friends in relationships, or really friends who were overly interested in getting into relationships-- at least to my knowledge. Now I've got some kind of sad crush--which is honestly is just me being regular with an undertone of feeling pathetic about affection I can't have which truthfully doesn't feel much like romance to me, just really interestingly placed hornyness--, the knowledge my younger cousins are now dating which is something I never really conceptualized, a roommate in a long term relationship who's got an elaborate plan for tonight (good for them!), the roommate I introduced to said gf who've been PDAing the fuck out of the living room, and the cherry on top is learning at midnight that my best friend is now in the beginnings of a relationship, a sappy one at that. 

Which all means that I listened and sung to the entirety of From Under the Cork Tree while cooking lunch while telling every roommate that came downstairs that I'm feeling very homophobic this Valentines day and I'm channelling it through Fall Out Boy (btw all the couples surrounding me minus my cousins are gay. I'm gay. My household is all queer. I'm not actually homophobic, just a little bitchy). 

Feeling like I'm surrounded by romance for once in combination with my own feelings of general patheticness is just not a fun on a day like this. Learning I've got a good chance of being autistic is kind of putting into perspective the fact that I just don't like change. Change out of my control to be specific. I like predictability, I like when I have some idea of what can happen, either because I have some hand in it or because it's familiar with patterns I can guess at. And now, I'm not totally sure what the future holds. Which also means the revival of old fears. Old fears tied to exactly this- everyone around me being paired off and being left alone in the dust of it all. 

I know its unrealistic. I'd have to be an active participant in my own demise for that to actually happen. It's not that hard to just reach out and ask to talk or hang. To communicate how I feel. But fears aren't rational, and feeling like I'm being left behind while everyone else goes out into new waters that I can't quite follow is what it is. And stepping into my own available new waters is horrifying. We've established I don't like change. I'd literally have to dive headfirst into unpredictability. There's no real way to ease me into these things. Add a side of self loathing and constant fluctuation of confidence, and you've got the hot mess that is me. Oh and the last 2 weeks having sucked for me. That definitely factors into all of this. 

I'm trying to use my own hate for the behaviour of overly self conscious people to motivate me to just be better than this. If I saw this shit on someone else I'd be annoyed as hell. Which you think would get me going out with a vengeance, but realistically just means I try not to talk about it for fear of annoying my friends. Also going out is expensive!!! I don't think I'm hot enough to get drunk for free, and in this economy I'm sure as hell not getting drunk with my own dime at the bar. That's half a lie. I'm actually a hella lightweight. But the confidence issue still rears its ugly head. 

Currently I'm debating between going out tonight with my choir roommate because the weather is actually half okay for once which means we can dress cute without freezing all of our asses off, or asking a different roomie if they wanna play video games with me. Or drinking again. Regardless I might be drinking again. I don't wanna be a sad drunk. I feel like I might be a sad drunk tonight. I shouldn't drink then. 

I'm probably actually gonna play a lot of bass tonight. I haven't played bass a lot in the past couple days. That's a better plan. 

Happy Valentines to all of you, and a happier Valentines to everyone going through it a little bit more today than other days. 

 

The Airfryer is My Favorite Invention

I write this as I wait for my chicken nuggets to come out of the airfryer. I'm trying to be really mindful about how much I let myself drink since I feel the pull towards the giant bottle of vodka in the communal fridge more often than not these days. Should I be a little concerned about that impulse? Probably, but that's why we've got rules in place for myself. I can only drink on fridays, or if I'm going out, which I'm rare to do. 

The rules for today are that I had to eat first and send the email I've been putting off sending since tuesday--because it ended up in the loop of "well now it feels like its been too long since I said I'd send an email so I just shouldn't send it". Which is Stupid--before I let myself drink anything. 

My chicken nuggets are done! 

My brain still feels kinda slushy these days. A friend pointed out recently that I'm pretty likely to have autism, redid all the tests, realized a couple things about myself. And it's not really done much to tilt my world, but its made a lot of things make just a little more sense. Doesn't really solve any of my problems. But yeah. Focusing on school has been hard. Not letting myself get overwhelmed has been really hard. 

The worst part about asking for help is that you have to ask for help and supposedly know what you're asking for.  Turns out, you actually don't, you can just ask for help and say things are bad. At least asking is more important and helpful because that means they know you're struggling. Which is better than them not. 

I think my chicken nuggets should be cooled by now. I have a feeling they're going to burn me anyways.  

[ ! ] New Quest : Survive the Debut!

New week and life doesn't look horribly bleak. Am I behind on my projects? Yes. Have I emailed that TA I need to email about the fact that life has been going Badly? No. But my CD finally came in the mail and I cried when I realized what the area behind the CD said? Yes, yes I did, and it was wonderful.

Weekly migranes are also seeming to be a new development. Its still killing me as I write this but I'm so fucking bored from not looking at screens while my head hurts that I've just started caving and looking at stuff anyways. How else am I supposed to pass the time on my shift?

In other news I've got some new mainline quests! Or sub quests for a mainline quest? I don't know. I've lost my own metaphor. Anyways. My cousin has her Debut coming up at the end of March. For the unfamiliar, a Debut is kind of like the Filipino quinceanera but for the 18th birthday. Exciting!! 
    I didn't have one because I didn't want the stress of planning one, and it doesn't look like my other first cousin will be having one, so this is gonna be pretty big for us. Since I'm pretty close to this cousin, I do quite care about this event going well. And since I'm a first cousin, it means that by family law I have to participate in the entertainment of the night. Which means I will be performing for the first time on bass in a little over a month. With songs I still need to learn. Oh Stars.  

Sub Quest 1: Learn Songs to Perform!  

The songs in question are Best Part by Daniel Caesar and Beaches by Beabadoobee. Not horribly difficult on bass for where I'm currently at, but they're not songs I'm familiar with. They were chosen by my younger cousin who I'll also be performing with (shes playing guitar and singing). It's not technically our first rodeo performing at a family function in any way, but it'll be my first time with a bass and I'm really trying to not let it get to me. Right now I'm fine about it, but give it a couple weeks. 

Sub Quest 2: Dress to Impress! 

The color theme of this Debut is shades of blue. I do not own blue, and especially not anything formal in blue. My closet palette is that of an ominous evil swamp. Is it a crime if I show up not on theme? No. However, I'm a first cousin, and I know I'm gonna be in a hell of a lot of photos whether I like it or not, and regardless it's just fun to dress on theme. Which means I gotta go shopping. I am broke. Which means I gotta go thrifting. Which means I should really be hitting the thrift a couple of times over the next month and a bit if I want a chances at finding anything good enough for this. I've got plans to go thrifting with a friend next week, and a recommendation for a secondhand dress shop in downtown, so fingers crossed I find anything that fits.
   Do I have to go thrifting to do this? No. But am I gonna pass up an opportunity to have an excuse to go thrifting? Never.