Its Like They Were Onto Something With Emo Music

Emotional music, to feel emotional to?!?! That's crazy. Who'd've thunk. 

I feel like I missed out on a lot of formative highschool experiences, hence feeling like one hell of an emo kid during my second year of uni- spending last night moping and listening to the entirety of Commit this To Memory face down in my bed. If I was feeling any worse I would've been crying by the end of the first song. 

I totally get why you’re supposed to have these things happen in highschool because going through emotional rollercoasters is made 10x worse when you also have to pay rent and budget for groceries. Writing that reminded me that I have to pay rent soon. Horrid. But it's not like I got the option to pencil this into the schedule of my life, so better late than never. 

Anyways. I've been thinking about this because I've been going through my first unrequited lesbian crush. Wahoo. Not a box on the list on common formative experiences that I thought I'd get to check off, but here we are.

I've been pretty confidently calling myelf aromantic until this point, and really I will probably still continue to call myself aromantic because anything more complicated is something I don't have the energy for. The thing with being aro is that a lot of it has hinged on me really just. Not understanding romance. And truth be told I still feel like I don't. Hence all of this feeling like a slap in the face to finally realize. But if you're not gonna call pathetic yearning and sappy sad thoughts some kind of romantic attraction, what else will you call it? 

I only managed to tell my best friend about this last friday after I've kind of known for awhile. Still haven't even told him who it is. That ones too big to say still. It's killing me too because the whole situation of it is pretty funny, so now I can't tell a funny story because it physically pains me to pull the words out of my mouth. That sucks.

I've submitted something to queering the map about it. Big fan of queering the map. If you're unfamiliar, its basically a site that shows a bunch of community submitted stories on a world map to showcase the queer experience. Going through it ranges from adorable stories about first kisses and hopeful starts to coming out worst case scenarios and apologies for loving and heartbreak. It's quite the experience. It's the queer experience. I hope my story gets through. Apparently there's a hell of a backlog because everything that gets submitted is moderated, so it might be months until it properly shows up, or maybe it never will.

For archival purposes. Here it will be.I'm holding my hand in front of my face like I'm shielding it from the winds, but I'm really doing it to stop myself from considering kissing you in the cold or grabbing your hand while you complain about not dressing warm enough. You'll never know that you're my first crush. I can't wait to say that in past tense. We're puzzle pieces that can't fit. Definetly not now and maybe not ever. I hope you find someone that loves you more than I could. That knows what you're talking about and can argue lovingly. Fits you instad of just greedily sliding close and calling it enough. 

Well. Now I've got to finish writing something due at 4pm. That I've barely started. C'est la vie.