The beauty of thinking you're over something is realizing that you're not over it at all, its just been taking a nap and not affecting you heavily enough to think about it.
Remember that unrequited crush from the beginning of the year? I thought I was mostly over it by Valentines. Telling people about it felt like getting out of my system. It was chill, it was great, life went on, I felt at peace about it.
Now I get to understand why talking about height is considered a form of flirting.
It wasn't even flirting! I know its not flirting! I'm just pathetic about it! This is horrible! I was fighting to make sure my face wasn't doing anything insane that whole time. Jesus fucking christ. How do people go through this regularly. One time is enough for my life please and thank you.
For context, that friend I've unfortunately got a crush on has somewhat recently broken through to the next level of comfort in our friendship: Teasing.
And its weird because its not like we haven't been dicks to each other for fun--its part of our regular banter--but I feel like there's a new energy to it now. Again, reached the next level of comfort, so a new level of bullying between friends.
This is bad for my heart.
Honestly I'm glad our friendship has pretty much been unaffected by my conundrum. I've been doing good to keep that shit under wraps because honestly there's not really anywhere for it to go. It's not productive to let it affect the friendship because then I just lose a friend, and that would suck.
My conundrum has not been unaffected by our increasing friendship, but its fineeeeeee. We see eachother on the regular, like 2-3 times a week on the regular. Even at the height of me processing this godforsaken crush that did not change. My horrible betrayer heart in times of weakness will replay moments from the last few weeks in a rose tint. The pink is not to be trusted. The pink can never be trusted.
My saving grace is that spring finally seems to be arriving. Days are starting to feel a smidge longer, and the weather seems to be sticking around 0 degrees for the most part. It's wonderful. Soon it'll be warm enough to go out to clubs without freezing my ass off for looking cute. When the ice melts, a hoe comes out. And that hoe will be me. (ignore that the hoe has no experience and is socially awkward about getting to the hoe part. It's the spirit of the phrase that matters).
I made this sandwich this morning (noon) for breakfast because I wanted to make a grill cheese but I had auto-routed and grabbed 2 eggs.
Ingredients
1 tbsp of Chopped Garlic
Butter or oil
2 eggs
(optional) A splash of milk
2 slices of bread
Your hearts desire amount of shredded cheese
Steps
Scramble your eggs. I mixed in milk for texture. You don't have to, but I
think it contributes well. Now would also be the time to season your
eggs. I forgot to. The sandwich is still good if you forget.
Oil or butter in the pan on medium heat. Fry the garlic. I pre-prep and freeze a bunch of chopped garlic so I threw in however much felt good.
Pour the eggs in. Let cook barely. The egg on top should still be runny. Throw your slices of bread on top. I was using a pan that was just big enough to fit the slices of bread side by side. Its not necessary but I would recommend it.
Cook egg to liking then flip the bread. Its okay if the egg breaks on flip. It probably will.
Onto the egg throw on however much shredded cheese you desire. Then sandwich the slices egg sides together.
Proceed to cook like a grilled cheese. Throw more butter or oil onto the pan to help your bread crisp to your desire. Do everything in your power to make sure the egg is mostly cooked. I ended up sitting the sandwich on a crust side to make the runny egg drip down and fry. It probably wont kill you if its a little runny.
Big fan of using a facebook marketplace pickup as an excuse to try a new public transit route. Got to go on the new Eglinton line yesterday. I keep wanting to call it a subway line, but its actually an LRT. I assume it goes above ground at some section, but the route I went I kept me underground. Which I gotta admit is kinda disorienting. LRTs are designed to be above ground- they've got these giant windows to make for comfortable a pleasant viewing of the outside world, on account of the fact that they're slower than a subway which means you can actually take a look outside. Being in one of those cars in pure tunnel darkness kinda felt like one of those analogue horror games. Trip went well though! Got my fun item- a bag for holding a CD player with a separate compartment with CD sleeves. It's also got the cutest detail of the zippers being little guitars. I'm taking it for a test run on my shift, and I do quite love this thing. Ended up having a whole conversation with the buyer too- almost forgot to pay her that's how wrapped up we were- about our CD collections, why she was selling it, etc etc. She ended up sending me a photo of her CD collection afterwards too because I was asking. Big fan of when I get a full human interaction out of a marketplace meetup.
That night I went with some of my roommates + one friend to see Nirvanna the Band the Show the Movie. Amazing, hilarious movie, 10/10. Movies with this kind of humor tend to kind of stress me out, but even despite that it was a blast to watch. Also really fun because the whole thing is set in Toronto so it was familiar in ways that movies don't tend to be for me. Found out once the movie ended that it was based on the webshow of a similar name and my friends/roomies were watching it before they got there and no one told me :(. Probably won't be watching it alone myself, but even without knowing that the movie is a blast.
What wasn't a blast was my oddly evil experience going home. I don't really know what started it but on the way back I was getting really in my head and overly anxious. Which sucked, especially because it felt like it was kind of coming out of nowhere. I'd had a pretty solid day up until that point. On the final stretch back to the rental house I was practically booking it ahead of everyone just so I could have time without everyone else to settle. Scrambled like a man possessed to get my coat off and get my stuff to my room before they reached the door. Body felt evil, and ended up laying down while listening to Tragic Kingdom by No Doubt so I wouldn't consider laying on the snow filled patio without clothes on. Weird time. Great album though. On relisten today I can say I enjoy it thoroughly.
Today's been a chill time. I feel like I'm making good leeway on getting back on track on working on projects again. It's nice. The wrench is that getting confirmation of the collateral damage of me Doing Bad for the last month and a bit. The collateral damage in question being two friends of mine getting distant because they were getting bad vibes from me towards them. Which. Not entirely wrong because I was getting frustrated with them for different reasons during that time, but there's more to it than that and I don't feel like dealing out all of it. Regardless, I still have the question of "why have neither of them just talked to me?". Because neither of them have. I only ended up finding out about this because I talked to one of them because I'm in a group project with her. A group project that she has barely been showing up to or communicating about. Which is what I was approaching her about. Turns out shes been pulling away because shes been getting really hateful vibes from me and been uncomfortable in the group because of that. Which. Wow okay cool. That sucks and I feel bad because that's the collateral damage of me having a horrible horrible month mentally. There's a lot to unpack there. But the frustrations of her not communicating with the group are just like. Made worse from that. Cool. Alright.
Generally I've been feeling pretty evil about being around people for the past while. Honestly since the start of the semester. It's off an on, some days are better, some are worse. Some people are better, some are worse. On bad days, the voice of some people is just unbearable and I have to take myself out of the situation if I don't want to feel like committing a murder. And it sucks to feel like you hate your friends for things out of their control. Because I really don't hate my friends, nothing is actually wrong with them- no deplorable behaviour, no real issues- I just can't take being around people sometimes. I just feel evil.
Maybe I need to eat more. That tends to solve problems. Even if food has been kind of evil too.
Today feels like the first day I got work done by myself without feeling like the end was imminent. Is it the most relevant work for me to be doing? Well its not the literature review I have due tomorrow at midnight, but I'm planning on working on that after writing this out.
As much as contacting all of my TA's about help has felt hellish, it is incredibly nice to be reminded in words that I have a lot of support. I think visiting home has helped too. I like my rental, I love my roommates, but I think being back home has been a good cleanse for me.
It's weird to feel almost functional again. I've been on the up. I think. It's kind of hard to tell. I've never cried as much in my life as I have this week, but as of right now I don't feel like the world is going to crush me. I feel like I'm bracing myself for it to get bad again though. I can feel my anxiety rise and fall like the tide, not really triggered by anything in particular, just the in and out feeling of foreboding. I'm doing my best to rein it in. I'm trying to get as much work in as I can without overwhelming myself, which is a balancing act on its own.
I will say getting back into actually doing work is reminding me that my (undiagnosed but highly suspected) ADHD is a bitch. What do you mean I've gone halfway down 3 rabbitholes in 2 hours. I feel like I need to keep kicking the roomba that is my brain back into the right direction. Oh my greatest fantasy, sitting down to do something and actually getting it done without any internal distractions.
-
I'm really glad I brought my bass home with me. I feel like I just remembered last week that playing bass is a great distraction for myself. If I could bring it with me to lectures I would, but I don't think my classmates would appreciate my front-row-sitting-ass doing that.
I made a joke when I first got it about how nice it was to just hold it, "maybe this is how guitarists get away with being single for so long. subbing in the weight of a person for the weight of a guitar". My increasingly single-feeling self is very much feeling that now.
I've added Black Sheep by Metric and Locked Out of Heaven by Bruno Mars to my repertoire. Got about 70% of Runaway Baby learned. Working on learning the rest of Devil on My Shoulder by Billy Talent, and I've been listening to Metallica recently to prep me for learning one of their songs. Had a bit of an epiphany about why I never actually committed to learning a Metallica song, which was that I just wasn't super familiar with their music. I'd heard it a lot because of my guitarist roommate practising their songs, but I'm not super familiar with the songs as is. I've got Master of Puppets and ...And Justice For All downloaded, as well as Black Sabbath's self titled. Also downloaded Roots by Sepultura, which yes, I did get into through Fall Out Boy somehow. Gotta stop feeling shame about that. Gotta stop feeling shame. Eh. Some shame should probably stay.
Three weeks ago or a little less--honestly my sense of time is shot-- I cut my finger washing a glass. It was chipped on the edge and I had accidentally got my pointer finger cut pretty deep.
A little over three weeks ago, closer to a month, I started drowning.
-
The lived reality of drowning this way is a weird one. I spent all of yesterday crying after a group project call drained me. Still went out to Walmart with a roommate and had a good time. Played bass when I got home. Cooked and barely managed to get through the full plate. Texted my mom being fully honest about how I'm doing. Cried more. Celebrated and congratulated a great thing happening to a friend. Jammed with the house band. I'm emailing my TA's about getting supports. I'm meeting up with a friend to go out despite the snow in under an hour. The idea of opening the online class portal for anything fills me with deep dread and anxiety. I'm having a good time hanging out. There's a shadow looming behind me and I'm keeping my eyes forward.
I was explaining it to my roommates yesterday. It's like touching fire. I touched fire. and it was bad. and now I don't want to touch fire again, I'm avoiding it in every way I can. But I need to touch fire. Touching fire is what I signed up to do. I'm paying to touch fire. But it hurt me, so every time I feel the heat at my hands I recoil.
I want to have the flame protectant gloves everyone else has on.
-
Just today I noticed that wound on my finger closed up fully. There's
a light pink line where the cut was. The skin around it is a little
rough, but its flush with everything else. No bump, no swelling.
I'm
hoping that's what it'll be like to get out of the water. To realize
that its only lapping at my ankles, or even that my feet are completely
dry.
Being aromantic, I've never really cared about Valentines. It's up until this point it's been just another day with a higher chance of candy from generous friends. This is the first year that feels any different.
For one, no candy. Which is unfortunate, but expected. I've got a chance of donuts from my chill roommates new gf as a thank you for introducing them, but I'm not really counting on it. Her planning to making good on my joke about payment for introducing them is sweet enough.
But the big one is just actually being kind of aware of romance for once. In past years I've never had any close friends in relationships, or really friends who were overly interested in getting into relationships-- at least to my knowledge. Now I've got some kind of sad crush--which is honestly is just me being regular with an undertone of feeling pathetic about affection I can't have which truthfully doesn't feel much like romance to me, just really interestingly placed hornyness--, the knowledge my younger cousins are now dating which is something I never really conceptualized, a roommate in a long term relationship who's got an elaborate plan for tonight (good for them!), the roommate I introduced to said gf who've been PDAing the fuck out of the living room, and the cherry on top is learning at midnight that my best friend is now in the beginnings of a relationship, a sappy one at that.
Which all means that I listened and sung to the entirety of From Under the Cork Tree while cooking lunch while telling every roommate that came downstairs that I'm feeling very homophobic this Valentines day and I'm channelling it through Fall Out Boy (btw all the couples surrounding me minus my cousins are gay. I'm gay. My household is all queer. I'm not actually homophobic, just a little bitchy).
Feeling like I'm surrounded by romance for once in combination with my own feelings of general patheticness is just not a fun on a day like this. Learning I've got a good chance of being autistic is kind of putting into perspective the fact that I just don't like change. Change out of my control to be specific. I like predictability, I like when I have some idea of what can happen, either because I have some hand in it or because it's familiar with patterns I can guess at. And now, I'm not totally sure what the future holds. Which also means the revival of old fears. Old fears tied to exactly this- everyone around me being paired off and being left alone in the dust of it all.
I know its unrealistic. I'd have to be an active participant in my own demise for that to actually happen. It's not that hard to just reach out and ask to talk or hang. To communicate how I feel. But fears aren't rational, and feeling like I'm being left behind while everyone else goes out into new waters that I can't quite follow is what it is. And stepping into my own available new waters is horrifying. We've established I don't like change. I'd literally have to dive headfirst into unpredictability. There's no real way to ease me into these things. Add a side of self loathing and constant fluctuation of confidence, and you've got the hot mess that is me. Oh and the last 2 weeks having sucked for me. That definitely factors into all of this.
I'm trying to use my own hate for the behaviour of overly self conscious people to motivate me to just be better than this. If I saw this shit on someone else I'd be annoyed as hell. Which you think would get me going out with a vengeance, but realistically just means I try not to talk about it for fear of annoying my friends. Also going out is expensive!!! I don't think I'm hot enough to get drunk for free, and in this economy I'm sure as hell not getting drunk with my own dime at the bar. That's half a lie. I'm actually a hella lightweight. But the confidence issue still rears its ugly head.
Currently I'm debating between going out tonight with my choir roommate because the weather is actually half okay for once which means we can dress cute without freezing all of our asses off, or asking a different roomie if they wanna play video games with me. Or drinking again. Regardless I might be drinking again. I don't wanna be a sad drunk. I feel like I might be a sad drunk tonight. I shouldn't drink then.
I'm probably actually gonna play a lot of bass tonight. I haven't played bass a lot in the past couple days. That's a better plan.
Happy Valentines to all of you, and a happier Valentines to everyone going through it a little bit more today than other days.
I write this as I wait for my chicken nuggets to come out of the airfryer. I'm trying to be really mindful about how much I let myself drink since I feel the pull towards the giant bottle of vodka in the communal fridge more often than not these days. Should I be a little concerned about that impulse? Probably, but that's why we've got rules in place for myself. I can only drink on fridays, or if I'm going out, which I'm rare to do.
The rules for today are that I had to eat first and send the email I've been putting off sending since tuesday--because it ended up in the loop of "well now it feels like its been too long since I said I'd send an email so I just shouldn't send it". Which is Stupid--before I let myself drink anything.
My chicken nuggets are done!
My brain still feels kinda slushy these days. A friend pointed out recently that I'm pretty likely to have autism, redid all the tests, realized a couple things about myself. And it's not really done much to tilt my world, but its made a lot of things make just a little more sense. Doesn't really solve any of my problems. But yeah. Focusing on school has been hard. Not letting myself get overwhelmed has been really hard.
The worst part about asking for help is that you have to ask for help and supposedly know what you're asking for. Turns out, you actually don't, you can just ask for help and say things are bad. At least asking is more important and helpful because that means they know you're struggling. Which is better than them not.
I think my chicken nuggets should be cooled by now. I have a feeling they're going to burn me anyways.
New week and life doesn't look horribly bleak. Am I behind on my projects? Yes. Have I emailed that TA I need to email about the fact that life has been going Badly? No. But my CD finally came in the mail and I cried when I realized what the area behind the CD said? Yes, yes I did, and it was wonderful.
Weekly migranes are also seeming to be a new development. Its still killing me as I write this but I'm so fucking bored from not looking at screens while my head hurts that I've just started caving and looking at stuff anyways. How else am I supposed to pass the time on my shift?
In other news I've got some new mainline quests! Or sub quests for a mainline quest? I don't know. I've lost my own metaphor. Anyways. My cousin has her Debut coming up at the end of March. For the unfamiliar, a Debut is kind of like the Filipino quinceanera but for the 18th birthday. Exciting!! I didn't have one because I didn't want the stress of planning one, and it doesn't look like my other first cousin will be having one, so this is gonna be pretty big for us. Since I'm pretty close to this cousin, I do quite care about this event going well. And since I'm a first cousin, it means that by family law I have to participate in the entertainment of the night. Which means I will be performing for the first time on bass in a little over a month. With songs I still need to learn. Oh Stars.
Sub Quest 1: Learn Songs to Perform!
The songs in question are Best Part by Daniel Caesar and Beaches by Beabadoobee. Not horribly difficult on bass for where I'm currently at, but they're not songs I'm familiar with. They were chosen by my younger cousin who I'll also be performing with (shes playing guitar and singing). It's not technically our first rodeo performing at a family function in any way, but it'll be my first time with a bass and I'm really trying to not let it get to me. Right now I'm fine about it, but give it a couple weeks.
Sub Quest 2: Dress to Impress!
The color theme of this Debut is shades of blue. I do not own blue, and especially not anything formal in blue. My closet palette is that of an ominous evil swamp. Is it a crime if I show up not on theme? No. However, I'm a first cousin, and I know I'm gonna be in a hell of a lot of photos whether I like it or not, and regardless it's just fun to dress on theme. Which means I gotta go shopping. I am broke. Which means I gotta go thrifting. Which means I should really be hitting the thrift a couple of times over the next month and a bit if I want a chances at finding anything good enough for this. I've got plans to go thrifting with a friend next week, and a recommendation for a secondhand dress shop in downtown, so fingers crossed I find anything that fits. Do I have to go thrifting to do this? No. But am I gonna pass up an opportunity to have an excuse to go thrifting? Never.
And we've reached Friday. I'm still standing. That's pretty good.
I got my haircut, and I've got a lot of compliments. It's definitely more dramatic than I intended for it to be going in but it suits me I think. I just gotta figure out how to style it like the stylist did cause otherwise I feel like I look like one of the Beatles a little bit.
The trip to pick up lights went well! I think it really brings together our new music corner. We've still got some wall space to fill in. My choir roommate wants to have a fake band poster of our theoretical house band. I think it'd be really fun but first we'd have to name our house band and that's its own can of worms. Otherwise I'm thinking of making some kind of collage by asking each of my roommates for a top 5 or 6 albums and using the covers of those. Not totally sure. Regardless there's a lot of wall space to fill.
A group project is now done. Well technically it still has to be turned in tonight with some edits but we presented it today. Glad to be done with it because I hate doing UI/UX. I've realized its because the project process feels the least tangible to me. I like prints. I like having things in my hands. I like seeing things physically, not just on a screen. I'm excited for this class to be done.
Went to a university karaoke event, it was meant as a sad valentines thing--scream your heart out and sing out the heartbreak kind of thing-- but it ended up being just a pretty chill time. People were just singing whatever and having a good time and the vibe was overall pretty good. Talked to a buncha people, made a bracelet, sung Bang the Doldrums by Fall Out Boy. Voice cracked at the end but it was a lot of fun singing- mostly to my best friend who was probably the only person in the room who knew the song. I got told by someone I was talking to that I “sound like you dont know how to sing but you have a good voice”. Which. Not really sure how to feel on that on. Like I'll take the compliment but man, I thought I was at least okay enough that I sound like I know what I'm doing a little bit.
Made Tinola for the first time on my own on Wednesday. I made a lot. It's good. It tastes like home.
When I get up now it doesn't feel like the world is gonna end immediately. It's nice, but honestly I still feel like I'm kind of floating to figure out where to go from here.
Haircut tomorrow! However, haircut at noon, with a commute of an 1h 30mins, which means I have to get up at 10 to make this happen. Me from 2 weeks ago found this to be an entirely feasible thing. Me today is dreading this. Getting myself to go to my 10am shift was a struggle today. I walk 10 minutes to get to my shift. I do not want to flake on this haircut. I'm so lucky to have an incredibly lax student job.
Honestly this is the first time in my life where I've really felt the effects of what is very much most likely depression without attempting to push through it anyways. I don't have the energy to push through it anyways. I feel like I'm masking it to some degree but I also think that's just how it presents in me. I feel spacier. It feels like my focus falls of like syrup poured on a slope. My heads blank for once, but its kind of just floaty. I feel like I'm trying to actively tether myself to reality. I'm probably skipping my lecture and tutorial tonight. Even if my shift is effectively just sitting around for 4 hours, I feel like its taken so much out of me. I already felt that by the end of the first hour. I can't fathom doing more human interaction.
As I'm writing this, I've only got an hour left of my shift. I can push through.
Good things that have happened:
We've set up a bit of a music corner in my Jolly (rental) house. We're renting a drum kit from L&M for my cool roommate to pick drums back up. For 2 days of practice in, shes doing great. We had a bit of a jam going last night which was a blast. It was my first time getting to play with a drummer and my Stars that helps so much with having to play off beats.
Found a guy on marketplace selling cheap christmas lights that we're planning on putting in that music corner. $10 for 15 meters of christmas lights. I'm so excited to see how this turns out
Retail therapy doesn't solve everything but I've found another CD to add to my Fall Out Boy collection. I will take this win with both hands
I now have a doctors appointment to talk to my family doctor. It's in the first week of march, which feels evil, but I'll take the reason to live for another month
My roommates are lovely and cool. My friends are great and caring. I love them all dearly
It was Bad. It got better. It got Worse. We continue to ball. If anything, its nice to have things to be able to bring up as proof to my family doctor that I really should be medicated.
Anyways, here's the recounts of everything good before it was Worse.
Friday - Live Music @ The Raven Presented by Sour Friends Collective
I ended up missing the first 2 bands because of a class and the commute there, but I'm very happy with who I did see. I manged to catch Ceippo, BoREALia, Trashwyre, and Heavenly Blue. Ceippo and Trashwyre I saw at a house show in december and were the reason I knew about this show to begin with. Sour Friends Collective is actually an art collective one of the guitarists of Trashwyre is putting together which is really neat. It's also neat connecting the dots on why its called that-- the guy is named Lem, he introduces himself like "Lem short for lemon", lemon, sour friends, you get the idea. I actually talked to him back at the house show without realizing he was in any of the bands, really chill guy. Ceippo is always a joy live since they have really good energy and the songs I know the most amount of words to. BoREALia was interesting, they've got 3 guitarists and doing some interesting instrumental shit. If they had a CD I would have bought it. Trashwyre was really fun to see play through a whole set since at the house show they only had about 20 minutes of material and were missing their bassist. And they delivered. High energy, great crowd interaction, they had the place bumping. I'm genuinely so hyped for when they finally release the first EP. But the real highlight for me was Heavenly Blue. I didn't know about them beforehand but they were so good. Their lead vocalist has such a good presence, and they probably had the best mosh pit going. I've managed to get one of my roommates hooked on their music too! Which rightfully so, it slaps.
Trashwyre - They've got a drum pad instead of a drumkit, its fun!
Heavenly Blue - They had underwear on their heads. They did not explain why.
Saturday - Old Friends
After the show, me and the friend I went with met up with a friend from highschool and both she and my best friend crashed my place for the night. Despite initial difficulties and frustrations trying to figure out where and how to meet up, it was genuinely really nice to see her again. It was also really fun seeing how she meshed with my roommates. The next morning me and her made a whole breakfast situation for the 3 of us, and despite how many roommates I have, I don't really get to cook alongside any of em often, so honestly it was just a really nice moment. Me and my best friend gave her a tour of our university campus, yapping and catching up, and even though I had to leave the tour early we still all met back up to hang out before her and my best friend left. I don't really talk to her online, hilariously because she used to be really hard to reach through social media, then once she started being active is when I stopped being active on socials, but we've got a good dynamic regardless.
Sunday - Adventures in Transit
Sunday started with a late morning and my choir roommate asking "do you want to come be an extra in a film thing?" Was I supposed to do work that day and prior night? Yes. Was I going the fuck through it and looking for any reason not to? Also yes. So on an adventure we go! The film location was in fuckass nowhere on the side of Toronto I frequent less, but the commute wasn't lookin horrible. Was was horrible was when we were in the last stretch of it trying to catch a bus that would've gotten us to the place right on time and it just never came. Turns out the bus had broken down the loop right before, but we didn't know that, so we waited about half an hour before my roommate caved and Ubered us the rest of the way there. Being late wasn't too bad through because it turns out they were still having a hell of a lot of technical difficulties by the time we got there. My roommate got to catch up with her old friends that were there, and honestly I was just enjoying being in an interesting space and finally finishing a book I've been reading in short bursts for a month (The book in question being Joe Trohman of Fall Out Boy's memoir None of This Rocks, fun read!). The real adventure was heading back home, later than either of us expected because it ended late, and colder than either of us expected because we didn't think we'd be heading back so late. Trek to one bus stop. Bus won't come for another 30 minutes. Trek to another 10 minutes away. Wait for the bus. Get on. Get to a bigger stop that's also a subway stop. Wait for another bus. Miss it when it got there the first time because we doubted it was the right one. Whatever. Wait 15 for another. We're still not sure if its the right bus. I ask if the bus goes to the stop we're trying to head to. The driver says no. I google that buses route as it driving away and it turns out he just lied to me. Well. We take the subway instead, which makes the commute longer, but at least its warm. Sit on the subway for an hour. I show my roommate some of the passages from the book to pass time. We both dream of making soup when we get back. Walking the final stretch from the subway to our place was a religious experience. The interesting development of that night is finding out that another of my roommate is now hooking up with a highly respected graduate of my program that me and my program friends look up to a lot-- and more or less because of me. Hell yeah I guess.
The soundtrack of this week is High Tea//Dinner Party by Heavenly Blue, American Football LP1, and From Under the Cork Tree by Fall Out Boy. I need to remember the conversational outline on how to book a doctors appointment and in my engineering roommates words, "find another reason to not kill yourself before Thursday because its good that you have [a hair appointment] to live for but you gotta find another reason before then".
I've been doing my best. Life's been rough. The landlord still sucks. I'm behind on submitting stuff. Finally got the fire under my ass to get real medical help. Doesn't mean its exactly possible. We ball.
In the interest of holding on, here's the good things that have happened this week and will happen:
Got yelled at by all my roommates about how to get medicated. This sounds harsher than it was. It was honestly just nice to feel supported and have all the stories of my roommates who are all on various kinds of medications for mental stuff
Told the roommates about the unrequited crush situation. I feel lighter
for it. Turns out I'm also not the only roommate going through that specifically. Solidarity in misery or something
Best friend figured out who the unrequited crush is. It's nice to have the extra layer of understanding without having to have spoken it into the world.
I now own MCRs Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge on CD! and I've got a CD of Motion City Soundtracks Commit This To Memory in delivery. I've already listened to the Three Cheers CD twice over.
Finished and submitted my project for Tuesday on time. I feel pretty proud of what I made.
Finally bought a guitar strap for the new guitar. My choir roommate says its the most shoe looking guitar shes ever seen. Shes not wrong. It's pretty silly.
Trickshot does really look like a shoe
Learned about the Power Chord. Technically I've been knowing about it, but I've finally realized what it is and just how common it is in songs. Hell yeah learning moment
Haircut next thursday! I've never known if the 30 dollar haircut meme was supposed to refer to an expensive or a cheap haircut. I would kill for a $30 haircut in this economy. I found this girl who does $24 haircuts because shes a hairstyling student. I'm pretty hopeful about it, and shes hyped about cutting my hair too it seems.
I made my moms spaghetti sauce for the first time. It was my first time trying to make one of my moms recipes. It turned out pretty good. It tastes like home. I should call my mom.
Going to a local show tonight. I'll be showing up late because I have a class that ends 30 minutes after doors open, and it takes a hour to get there from campus, but there'll still be 3 hours of show by the time I get there, so I'll be having a good time. More to come on that.
Finally fixed my favourite pants. There was a hole in the back of the thigh that had a temporary fix that was starting to tear more. Finally patched it. I also managed to almost rip off one of the belt loops, which has also been quickly fixed. I'm hoping that one stays put for awhile.
Emotional music, to feel emotional to?!?! That's crazy. Who'd've thunk.
I feel like I missed out on a lot of formative highschool experiences, hence feeling like one hell of an emo kid during my second year of uni- spending last night moping and listening to the entirety of Commit this To Memory face down in my bed. If I was feeling any worse I would've been crying by the end of the first song.
I totally get why you’re supposed to have these things happen in highschool because going through emotional rollercoasters is made 10x worse when you also have to pay rent and budget for groceries. Writing that reminded me that I have to pay rent soon. Horrid. But it's not like I got the option to pencil this into the schedule of my life, so better late than never.
Anyways. I've been thinking about this because I've been going through my first unrequited lesbian crush. Wahoo. Not a box on the list on common formative experiences that I thought I'd get to check off, but here we are.
I've been pretty confidently calling myelf aromantic until this point, and really I will probably still continue to call myself aromantic because anything more complicated is something I don't have the energy for. The thing with being aro is that a lot of it has hinged on me really just. Not understanding romance. And truth be told I still feel like I don't. Hence all of this feeling like a slap in the face to finally realize. But if you're not gonna call pathetic yearning and sappy sad thoughts some kind of romantic attraction, what else will you call it?
I only managed to tell my best friend about this last friday after I've kind of known for awhile. Still haven't even told him who it is. That ones too big to say still. It's killing me too because the whole situation of it is pretty funny, so now I can't tell a funny story because it physically pains me to pull the words out of my mouth. That sucks.
I've submitted something to queering the map about it. Big fan of queering the map. If you're unfamiliar, its basically a site that shows a bunch of community submitted stories on a world map to showcase the queer experience. Going through it ranges from adorable stories about first kisses and hopeful starts to coming out worst case scenarios and apologies for loving and heartbreak. It's quite the experience. It's the queer experience. I hope my story gets through. Apparently there's a hell of a backlog because everything that gets submitted is moderated, so it might be months until it properly shows up, or maybe it never will.
For archival purposes. Here it will be.I'm holding my hand in front of my face like I'm shielding it from the winds, but I'm really doing it to stop myself from considering kissing you in the cold or grabbing your hand while you complain about not dressing warm enough. You'll never know that you're my first crush. I can't wait to say that in past tense. We're puzzle pieces that can't fit. Definetly not now and maybe not ever. I hope you find someone that loves you more than I could. That knows what you're talking about and can argue lovingly. Fits you instad of just greedily sliding close and calling it enough.
Well. Now I've got to finish writing something due at 4pm. That I've barely started. C'est la vie.
I scored tickets to a Billy Talent concert this morning!!!! Yaho!!!! I was practically vibrating out of my seat in excitement for the rest of the class that I was already ignoring for the most part to get tickets.
A friend got me into them in 2024 and they are a genuine favourite of mine. It's weird because I never really went through a hyperfixation with them, I just listened to them a lot, so I keep forgetting how much I love this band until it gets brought up somehow.
But this brings me to my dilemma. This is my second Big Concert. Like not in a bar venue or basement Concert. And since I'm a recent fan and this is my first concert with them, I've not got a clue what the demographics and energy are gonna be like. I asked the friend I'm going with who's been to their concerts before and his first response was. Old. Mid 30s to 40s. Said he didn't know if the people would like a sticker. Alright cool. Out of my depth here.
I also manged to ask a cool acquaintance I met at a Hayley Williams listening party who's turns out to also be going to the concert, and who's also got lawn tickets! Apparently shes been a fan since 03. Which. Man. That's older than me. She's very firmly a millennial, and she gave me a very enthusiastic yes about people liking being offered stickers- with the caveat that I might get a couple "party pooper" nos, which seems about fair.
So that's a millennial yes and a gen Z maybe. Man.
The reason I'm even considering making stickers is because the last Big Concert I went to, I was going with my best friend and he made stickers to give out. However the big difference here is that that concert was a Twenty One Pilots concert. Very different crowd. Much younger crowd. So many people on that lawn were giving out stuff I swear. The only info I've got out of this is that the venue probably won't care about me giving out some stickers if I do.
The optimistic part of me says that a punk loves a sticker, but the other part of me is scared of being in a crowd of people on average at least 10 years older than me and going "do you want a sticker? ( O^O )". I'm gonna look like a child. Honestly this would probably be easier if I was a literal child. Being approached by an 8 year old with a sticker is cute at least. I'm an emo 19 year old. Who let me have adult money.
I think the middle ground is to only make a handful. Maybe like 12, no more than 24. Only one or 2 designs too. I'll scout out my millennial acquaintance to give her one and a few if shes got friends with her. The rest will be for any people met along the way with good energy and a fleeting conversation, as it goes with concerts. Also to maybe like. Ask on the reddit about it. Pretty sure that's what my best friend did the last time.
I am really excited about going but considering all this has me hoping that I'll be comfortable there. I've got relative faith because its a punk band with a solid fandom reputation, but I'm still a filipino woman-looking visibly-queer 19 year old. I know this crowd is gonna be older, and probably for the most part pretty white. Hell I'm going with my tallest and whitest friend. Incredibly envious that his 6'4" ass will have no problems standing on the lawn. Truth be told I wasn't super aware of how white the crowd was at the last Concert I went to because I was with the Only Other POC. But now I'm Thinking About It.
I'm kind of hoping being in the lawn (the far back cheapest tickets) will mean I'll be more likely to find the younger and broker sort, the ones who are also likely to be artier and guaranteed to be more receptive to a sticker. One can only hope.
Now I gotta think about what I'm even gonna put on these stickers. All this overthinking for something that's not even real yet.
Its yet another snow day. I don't have any classes today, but its nice to feel like I don't really have to go anywhere today anyways. I know I'll have to go out at some point to print my project, but thats a problem for me in about 7 hours.
I'm feeling pretty good about the day so far. Means I'm feeling pretty good about the week ahead too. Gonna see how long I can hold onto this feeling.
My cool roommate referred me to a student hairdresser a town over doing $24 haircuts, and the vibe in booking so far has been great. I'm so ready for my hair to actually be shapely again.
I'm like 70% done my project that I need to turn in tomorrow morning. Which means I probably won't be doing a late night rush to get it done. It's at the point where if I turned it in now I'd probably be fine, get at least a C on it, but its kind of unsatisfying to leave it as is, so I'll be doing as much rendering as I can today so it looks half decent.
Jamming with the roommates has been fun. Been nice to be communally struggling over playing Moves Like Jagger. Still trying to figure out if learning how to sing and play it is worth it. Singing while playing off beats is as hellish as you'd imagine. If I don't figure that out, then we're either micing the drummer which is no loss because our drummer is a fantastic singer, or we're having the vocalist do the whole thing which would be a travesty to lose the adlibs in the final chorus. Really I might learn to do it regardless of what we settle on just to see if I can.
Been getting back into writing music with my best friend. This band will happen, I believe it. Everything about that is a story for another day though. Honestly its just a lot of fun, and we've been having some breakthroughs in our approach which has been really satisfying.
We're ordering groceries and I'm planning on trying to make pasta sauce the way my mom does for the first time. I'm so excited. I have no confidence in how well it will go. but i'm so excited.
The only thorn in my side for the week is my Fuckass landlord.
Fuck this guy. Oh my Stars Fuck This Guy. Emailed last 2 weeks ago about confirming whether or not we're renewing. Out lease ends in August. Sure. Alright. Said we were interesting in sticking with him but wanted cheaper options. Got some options about renewing at a reduced rent for good behavior or getting another place for cheaper rent. Asked about getting a showing. Radio silence for a week. Another email about whether or not we'll renew. Said we needed time because they havENT FOLLOWED UP ON US YET. For some reason they always fucking email these things on friday wanting answers for monday. Which means we can't reach them until monday. That's fucking evil.
"[The landlord] better be fucking busy. It better look like ultimate custom night over there" - My chill roommate. The guitarist roommate is playing darksouls on the living room tv. The rage from that is almost calming.
Finally got an email about giving my number so I can discuss further options. Responded to that thing in a minute.
I am an adult. I can be reasonable. I am an adult. I will not yell at this man over the phone. I am an adult. I can wait for this damn phonecall.
Did I mention we got told there's going to be a showing of our house tomorrow?
I was gonna venutre out to downtown today to grab a guitar strap, new strings, meet up with a FB marketplace seller for a cd. But the snow is BAD. Again. So all of that gets to wait for another day. Or maybe a couple hours depending on how brave me and my roommate feel about venturing out to Long & McQuade anyways.
Regardless. I find myself coming back to thinking about labels. I feel like I'm always thinking about labels for one reason or the other.
I feel like I've always come at labels with a very literal approach. Whatever labels I use are for the ease of quickly delivering information to somebody else. That ain't always simple. When you're insane about definitions like I am, then you're worried about using the one that's most right for the context. But then there's also the layer of what another person will understand when you use that label. I'm probably overthinking this, but that's what this blog is for.
I think the intersection between information and comfort that labels reside in is really interesting. For example, I call myself a lesbian for the most part. Am I a woman? That's complicated, but to most people I look like one. Do I like only women? 90% sure on that one but there's also a little leeway. Am I about to explain all of that to someone when coming out? Stars no. And lesbian is the thing I feel most comfortable calling myself anyways, so really, it doesn't have to be as deep as I make it out to be.
What got me thinking about all of this today is whether or not I'd call myself a Bassist. Like by all accounts, I technically am. I play bass. I like playing bass. Bass is what I'd prefer most to play in a band if given the choice. But in conversation its not "I'm a bassist", it's "I play bass". These technically mean the same things. They do not feel like they mean the same thing. Getting called a bassist, especially by someone else with more music experience, feels like being a kid wearing a sweater 3 sizes too big. Ill fitting and awkward. I know its something I'll maybe grow into at some point, but right now it just doesn't feel quite right.
I think I'm getting there slowly. The idea of calling myself one when I was 2 months into learning was impossible, and now its almost okay. I think I conflate calling myself a bassist with calling myself a competent bassist. Because I feel far from competent. I'm just fine at bass from what I've been told, but its the whole bit about always perceiving where you're at as lower than where you actually are. Honestly I think being forced to refer to myself as one has been helping. Again, I'm not about to go on a whole spiel to explain myself and where I'm at when I call myself a bassist, and sometimes you just can't get the grammar to work, so I'm a bassist I guess.
Getting drunk with my roommates is fun. Mostly because they're good company, people I feel safe enough to be around to be silly while drunk, and cause we're all the silly sort. Highlights of the night are: - me and my cool roommate showing off our cringe anime voices - Being the dealer for a gambling game that required counting, wherein every time cards were flipped I made my engineering roommate (who was at least tipsy) do the math. They've think they might be better at math while inebriated. - very genuinely moaning in anguish just for everyone at the board game table to look at me and go "you just moaned. bro what" - hugging my bottle of soju like a wise old man
I'm a very economical drunk- that is to say, a lightweight- much to my roommates chagrin. I went through one bottle of soju and promptly passed out on the couch sometime around 11pm (we had started drinking around 8pm). I had one of those naps that made me believe 20 minutes had passed. My roommates were still awake after all and playing jackbox, it couldn't be that late. It was 3am.
I think this was the kinda reset I needed. The having a good time with my roommates without thinking about work or responsibilities, not necessarily the alcohol.
I've finally started working on that project I've got due on Tuesday. It's less intimidating now that I've started, but keeping myself motivated to keep going after I've done maybe 10% is still hard. Hence me writing this instead. ffs I'm making blobs. I wish I was joking but genuinely this is what I've been up to for the last hour and a half.
Blobs! Just blobs! This is my degree! Shapes and colors! I feel like I get stressed about the work I have to do then in the middle I come to the realization that I'm stressed about shapes and colors! It's silly!
My extended break (generous procrastination) has also featured me watching a bunch of covers from this random youtube channel. I was looking for guitar covers of Dead on Arrival by Fall Out Boy because I decided that was a fun and easy enough song to learn on guitar and found a video of these dudes covering it.
They look to be around my age, probably younger, maybe older?- I've never been good at guessing ages. Everything about it is kind of charming. The sound of someones younger sibling babbling before they start playing. The awkwardness of introducing everyone in the band. The way they're clearly having a good time playing.
I've always had a soft spot for finding random peoples small channels, the kind where it looks like they're really only posting for fun. It's weird to look at this dudes channel, the songs he's covered and think that I'd probably get along with this guy. Might at least be able to discuss favourite bands and opinions in small talk. Pretty sure my guitar is the same one he's using in some of the other covers, in the same color too, that'd be something to talk about. I feel like I've built a connection to this kid. Or at least the version of this dude that existed around 2013. Seeing that kinda threw me for a loop. That's one of the things I love about finding these kind of channels, the fact that they're like time capsules for some person that's out there somewhere who's continued on.
And bros life sure did. Some light googling found me this guys current day band and active instagram. I won't link that one, but it's not hard to find. The kid on vocals and bass in the video is also in said band which is just nice to see. I might listen to their ep, why not.
Finding small bands always fills me with a kind of joy. It's the thought that there's just so many people brought together by music, playing and having a good time. I've been thinking a lot about performing and playing music. My household has a bit going about putting together a band to play at the fuckass bar we've frequented most often just because it'd be fun to do so. We have a guitarist, a bassist, a vocalist, and (if we can get her a kit) a drummer. The plan is to do pop covers, because this fuckass bar is the straightest bar imaginable, and because the aim of it is just to have a good time. We've finally got the bit going far enough that we've got a tentative set list of songs to learn.
Do we have any clue how to actually get booked at this bar? Stars no, but I think that we're all doing this to have something fun to do. It's fun for me because it gives me a reason to learn and practice bunch of familiar songs with the hope of getting to be on a stage at some point. Songs that are more difficult than I expected because pop sure does love some funky bass. I will be drilling the hell out of Runaway baby for the next week. It's fun for everyone else because everyone just wants to perform, they've all performed on stages and in bands before. The funniest one to me in this bunch is my guitarist roommate who's main thing is death metal. Cryptopsy is his favorite band. Right now hes practicing a song from the Doom soundtrack in the living room. And he's down as hell to play pop. The band was really his idea in the first place, he just really likes performing and is willing to just have a good time about it. The juxtaposition is just kinda entertaining. But it also feels pretty lucky. I've met just enough guitarists to know the kind of haughty ones who are weird about playing certain genres.
I'm really excited to see how performing together will go when we get there. My choir roommate is really a phenomenal vocalist, and I don't get to hear her just hard committing to singing pop songs often, and I for sure haven't seen her Perform. I'm excited to see my cool roommate (as I've referred to her above) pick back up the drums, but that could also be the baby bassist in me incredibly excited at the idea of playing with a drummer.
It's all the kind of plan where nothing is set in stone, but I think its better off this way. We'll have fun and see where it goes. Who knows, maybe in a couple months I'll be posting a jam session. We'll see.
Today marks the end of the 3rd week of second semester. As I'm writing I still haven't survived all my classes for the day, but despite my week ending on my favourite class of this semester, I can't find it in myself to be excited.
I'm becoming worried about the lethargy that surrounds doing my work. I've got a project due next tuesday that I'm maybe. 50% of the way done at best. that I really feel no anxiety over. More than no anxiety, when I turn around the idea of that project in my mind I feel like I'm staring a blank spot. I really want to want to do my work. I want to be excited about this class. It's weird to feel so blank about my classes. This degree may not have been my first choice, or even one of my first considerations, but I do genuinely like the work I've gotten to do.
The guitar is not saving me. I fear I care more for learning and playing the guitar and bass than doing my work, and I've got barely enough reign on my motivations to stop myself from doing so.
Maybe it'd do me good to get one of those journal planners. I always fear buying one and doing nothing with it. I at least need to start doing some kind of time blocking to give myself the opportunity to do my work ahead of 24 hours before its due. There's nothing I hate more than the stress of that, even though I've been doing that for the better part of the entirety of my academic career.
Maybe I dislike being tired. I feel tired. Not just the not enough sleep kind, which is only partially true, but the kind that's already settled in my bones. The kind that makes the world feel molasses slow and sluggish.
Maybe I should give myself one of those days to really do nothing. A day to do nothing with no expectations of doing anything. It's hard to know when to dole out those days, because they are entirely necessary every once in awhile, but it's hard to validate to myself that they're necessary because I'll often already be on a train of not doing any work, so to make myself sit down with the expectation that I won't be doing any of it for yet another day feels stressful.
There's a guy that I did co-op work for back in grade 11 high school who I've been doing work for during the summers since. I think this old man has adopted me as a fourth child because of how long I've been working for him (It's funny to picture me as a random filipino kid at a white family gathering). I worked a few days over the winter break in his shop, and I ended up talking to him about his guitar collection in the lounge above the shop. I've been curious about it for years since I've never seen him play but there's a handful of guitar learning books scattered around the shop. I mention to him that I was planning on saving up to buy myself a guitar to start learning (it turns out songwriting isn't the easiest when bass and the memory of piano are the only instruments you know).
Cut to a couple days ago, I get a call from him. It's about work stuff, but at the end of the call he asks "did you get your guitar thing figured out?" "Nope," I reply. "Okay," he says, "do you mind also giving me your brother's number?" "Why?" "It's a surprise."
alright?! sure. Sure.
So my brother came by yesterday evening to drop off the guitar. He was funny about it. Came in with a guitar case on his shoulder, and a coldass can of sprite in the other hand. Went "this is for you" and handed me the sprite. Then gave me the guitar case after I stared at it long enough going "what the Fuck".
It's one of those things where I understood the possibility of it, but I didn't think it could actually be real. But it was incredibly real. As real as the bright red Stratocaster that was then sitting on the kitchen table. Okay. Yeah. Sure. Alright. (WHAT THE FUCK).
I spent last night getting the breakdown of some very basic things I should know about playing from my guitarist roommate (I finally understand what palm muting is!) and faffing about with the guitar. Got to experience the hell that is pulling off new knobs, and manoeuvring the plastic off of the pickguard without taking the strings off. I can now play about 4 chords and with neither finesse nor confidence switching between them.
My guitarist roommate seems delighted to have another instrument in the house. Said me having a guitar now makes him want to actually commit to renting out an electric drum kit. I really have to give that roommate a lot of credit, because his encouragement is what really kept me practicing bass during first semester. While I was trying to see if I could cleanly switch between strumming A and A minor, he points across the room to me from the kitchen going, "That's good! You've got strings ringing out! That's further than some people get!" That doesn't exactly fill me with confidence, really just makes me more concerned about the people he's met. Told him as such. And he argues back to "consider how long it consider someone with absolutely no musical experience to go from zero to where you are now." Which. Yeah. I can't argue with that. It's really nice to have someone else reminding you that even the small steps are still big achievements. It makes me feel really optimistic about learning guitar.
Really I'm just excited for when it stops feeling like the strings are cutting into my fingers. You would think my fingers would be more durable from bass but nope! I think my finger strength from bass carries over, but stars I want my fingers to hurt less while pressing down the top strings.
Weirdly I think having the guitar will also force me to practice bass more too. There was such a satisfaction switching from the guitar to my bass and remember that I can in fact play songs on a bass. It's like a consistent reminder of what I'm trying to work up to.
I'm genuinely so excited to go home and practice. I've been thinking about it since I left home this morning. Think I've finally settled on a name for it too: Trickshot, short for Trica Von Trese. Because me playing guitar feels like a kind of unlikely and impossible thing for me to pull off. Trica Von Trese is just because it sounds nice and silly, and Von is my reference to the one who is Professionally referred to as Patrick Vaughn Stump-- because of course it has to tangentially be related to Fall Out Boy somehow, this is me we're dealing with.
Can't believe I've managed to give my instruments peterick names. Jeez.
Note: This guy does actually have a professional middle name. Like his legal name is Patrick Martin Stumph but on any song credits he's listed as Patrick Vaughn Stump. It's a reference to his mothers maiden name apparently, which is sweet, but also. Professional Middle Name.
There's something really funny to me about using a tutorial from 2011 to learn to style a side bang (not Funny as in haha, but funny when I mean to say interesting and amusing but that's too many words to say and makes for a bad opener). There's something to be said about the cyclical nature of fashion in the way I envy the striped off the shoulder top of the girl in the video while I'm wearing a lace cami under an early 2000s old navy vest I bought secondhand in the year 2026.
The tutorial was great by the way, my bangs finally don't look chopped. I will be carrying this information with me.
But this brings me to the dilemma(?) I've been having. I enjoy how I dress as of late (since september), how I dress has been feeling very authentic to myself, very comfortable to me. How I dress also looks straight out of the 2000s most days. Or so I've been told by my roommates and friends. My best friend has been having a joy of a time telling me what exact year I seem to be emulating when I meet him in class. It's always landed somewhere around 2002 - 2005.
I know for certain that I'm not actually dressing in perfect emulation of the 2000s because that was never my goal in the first place. I enjoy a lot of the stylings, and find that I like the way a lot of the silhouettes and patterns sit on me. I think I actually look good with a side bang. But all of this is getting infused with my sensibilities that have been shaped by the current day. I wear a carabiner on my hip daily. I really enjoy the modern understanding of a low rise jean that hits just about to below my belly button. And I'm still not entirely sold on skinny jeans.
But despite all of that, despite all logic, I still fear that I've fallen prey to trend and emulation and that in reality none of this is authentic. Which is Stupid.
Perceptions are bullshit. Have you ever seen the Gall Peters map projection? I just learned about that today. This is an equal area map projection, wherein the sizes of the landmasses are much more accurate than the Mercator projection, which is the one that's shown in schools. Nothing is the size you think it is.
In my head these 2 things were connected but I think I just wanted to inflict the Gall Peters map projection on other people.
I think today's lesson for myself is fuck perceptions, if I'm happy with how I'm dressed then that's what matters. And that the continent of Africa is really fucking big.
Truth be told, while doing something other than doomscolling is what brought me to starting a blog, the thing that's kept me here is procrastination. I started this blog right at the beginning of the second week of my semester, which may not be the greatest thing in the interest of being an academic weapon.
I think I'm still just trying to get out of the winter break mindset of just doing nothing, but at the same time my brain just isn't latching to my classes the way it was before. Which is weird because it's not like I hate all my classes. I've got 2 classes on information design which is a field I find really interesting and was genuinely excited for previously. I never really latched onto my social science class so I'm not worried about that, and I thankfully don't have any homework for my elective dance class so I'm not worried about that one either. The only class I actually hate is my UI/UX class but thats just because I hate having to do research for UI/UX projects. User research. Horrid.
Regardless, the idea of doing my classwork just kind of feels like its sloughing off my head like a wet carpet on ice. I think that's how the physics of that would work out. Is it time to go back to considering an ADHD diagnosis? Maybe! Could it be that I just need to try harder, whatever that means? Also probably maybe! I don't know! I want to do work, and I want to want to do work, but the idea of doing any of that just won't come to the front of my mind.
But we live. We go on. We ball. And we keep doing anything but my goddamn work. I really hope this doesn't keep up.
Other than that, life has been chill. Finally figured out how to do my makeup and hair in a way I like which is a great confidence boost. The outfits have been good. The thrift was kind to me. Playing and listening to music continues to be fun, and I may have a guitar in my future? Who knows!
Another week, another promise I'll do better. Another 7 days of holding out on the hope that promise stays true.
The benefit of zoom class in the wake of a snowstorm is that I can play bass while listening to the lecture. Gives me something to fiddle with so I don't feel like exploding 20 minutes in.
I don't think I've been practicing enough since the new year if the length of my fingernails is anything to go by. I started playing bass in august of last year, so its been a little over 5 months. I'm not an exceptional player, but I can keep time, my fretting isn't atrocious, and give me a week and I can probably learn a simple song. My guitarist roommate (whose credentials include being able to play the entirety of Justice For All by Metallica and a lot of death metal) says I'm better than a lot of bassists he's known in bands. That gives me no confidence, that just makes me concerned about the bassists he's met.
The goal right now is to get some new songs in the repertoire. Said guitarist roommate recommended I learn a Black Sabbath song, and I very much want to get at least one Metallica song under my belt. N.I.B. seems like a fun time to learn, and I'm thinking either Seek and Destroy or Creeping Death. Creeping Death specifically because I think its the one that pisses off said roommate because its way easier on bass than guitar. I'm currently learning Obstacle 1 by Interpol, which is really fun since both me and the guitarist roommate enjoy playing Interpol. I also really want to revisit Love On The Other Side by Fall Out Boy since its the first song I learned on bass and a recent convo with one of my other roommates has me wanting to relearn it.
I should probably get back into doing proper fretting exercises too. Just maybe.
Today was supposed to be for sidequests, travel an ungodly amount of time by bus for a CD drive, listen through a couple albums, get kimchi, go to a craft store for some projects.
Instead, I woke up to at least a foot and a half of snow everywhere.
Truthfully, not super miffed about it. I had stayed up pretty late with 5/6 of my roommates the night before just talking around our "new" dinner table (it wasn't new by any means, but we had moved it so it could be properly used as a dinner table and it's been a wonderful quality of life update). It was really nice, the lot of us don't have schedules that line up well, so its rare that we've all been together just to chat, and especially without any visiting friends. We were talking through the logistics of an insane scenario, which eventually fizzled into general conversation after roommate number #6 came downstairs to tell us to quiet down so she could sleep. It's the kind of moment I know I'm sure to forget the details of, but I'll always feel the effects of. The feeling of upgrading the group social link, the reminder that I lucked out with the people in my household, my friends.
So really, not too miffed about having a snow day.
I wish I could say it was a lazy day but I had decided bright and early (11am) that it was the perfect day to finally get around to some crafts and mending that I've been needing to do. Patterning and listening to the albums I had planned to listen to on my bus ride while the room was bright with sun shining off the snow was a very nostalgic mood. The listens were as follows:
Commit This to Memory by Motion City Soundtrack My best friend (and sole bandmate) listened through this album and told me it is now one of the bands main influences. As it should be, this albums slaps! Its upbeat, but not entirely happy, melancholy at most, but bright in feeling overall. It makes a very "everything's gonna get better" mood.
Time to Pretend by MGMT I know nothing about MGMT but it was mentioned a couple days ago (Thanks Peach!) and I decided why not, I like trying new bands on a whim. I did not realize I knew some of these songs. This was the sound of childhood. I'm not even sure I heard these songs during my childhood, but it sure as hell felt like it. This ones staying in my library.
Through Being Cool by Saves the Day I've been meaning to listen to this one for awhile. This album was cited as a major inspiration for Fall Out Boys Take This to Your Grave so I've been curious about it. I love TTTYG, so I'm guaranteed to at least have a good time with this one. It is so odd to hear the exact points of inspiration of an album I love through this album. Bits and pieces where I go "that's just like the thing from the thing!" Because it was absolutely the way the thing on TTTYG came to be.
Got some good listens in, learned how to use my roommates sewing machine, made some patches to repair my favourite pairs of pants with, made myself a belt bag so I can finally stop worrying about my phone when I wear an outfit with a skirt (that's also big enough for my Walkman!), learned how to sew a button, and finally got around to DIYing pins from the bottle caps I've had in my pencil case for over a year.
At some point my roommates also settled into the living room and we watched American Psycho, and as I type we've got Guardians of the Galaxy playing.
Feels right that the day after I ramble about my CD collection that I get this beauty in the mail! Oh thank you random man from France selling this for cheap.
It’s also just hit me, like really settled in my bones hit me, that Patrick Stump and Joe Trohman in this photo aren’t much older than I am. I knew the timeline, I’m a big enough fanatic to know the lore, but theres something different about staring their photo in the eyes and seeing someone not so far from me. Still, pretty far from me, stars know I can’t play guitar and I’m 40% of a good vocalist on a good day, but they’re not that far off from some kid who wants to play music.
Gotta make sure the disc works alright (yippieee!!!!)
I fear that going analogue will become another whim for me, but I also hold a lot of home that it will become something more permanent in my life.
It was quite accidental that I started going analogue. In 2024 I was interested in getting a digi cam because it seemed like a fun novelty and a couple of my friends had them, but never ended up getting one myself. Funnily enough I still down own a digicam, but I am now in proud possession of a CD Walkman.
I started collecting CDs on accident too. It started with tracking down a CD of Billy Talent 3 for a friends birthday gift. He'd been collecting all their albums on CD with 2 missing, one of which was the album they released under the name they had before Billy Talent- which Stars no I'm not tracking that down its horribly rare- and the other was their 3rd album, aptly named Billy Talent 3. I took to Facebook Marketplace to search, and since I was doing this a week before my friend was planning on visiting, time was of the essence. I find someone selling the first three Billy Talent albums together and someone selling just Billy Talent 3, still in the plastic. Score! I send messages to both of them, and the one selling the collection gets back to me first. After a total of 80 minutes on the bus later, I get back from picking up the collection just to get a message back from the other seller. Well. Shit. It'll make a better gift, so another trip it is. I get a friend of a friend to drive me there to pick it up and now I've got the CD I was hoping to gift my friend, and 3 more that I've got no reason to give away, and I'm not really upset about it.
I actually really like Billy Talent, the friend in question being the one who got me into them, and as a bit of a design and printing nerd, I was happy to own physical copies of the CDs to be able to look at the layout of the booklets and all of the printed parts of this physical media. However, I didn't own anything I could play them with, so they sat alone in my room as design ephemera until late last year.
Its October. Me and my best friend go to the official release party for the final release of the new Hayley Williams album. My best friends been keeping me up with all of the lore surrounding the album, and I'm invested. Of course, this release party is hosted by a record store, and I end that night with 2 albums in my hands. One of them was the Hayley Williams album in question, Ego Death at a Bachlorette Party because my best friend didn't realize that the complementary tote bag that was advertised with the event only came with a purchase of the album which my best friend wasn't interested in keeping, and the other being So Much (for) Stardust by Fall Out Boy. I'd gotten one hell of a hyper-fixation on Fall Out Boy that August (which is still going strong!) and Stardust was (and still is) one of my favourite albums of theirs. This then launched me into collecting the rest of the Fall Out Boy albums, and ending up with a couple other interesting ones along the way.
So of course, one cannot own CDs without any way to play them, so when my Facebook Marketplace gave me a listing for a good condition CD Walkman, I jumped on it. Owning CDs also got me into learning how to download them so I could listen to them on my phone, and further into learning how to pirate albums.
ANYWAYS. This has been a very roundabout way to talk about the joy of going analogue and owning media. Streaming sucks and doesn't do shit for the artist. AI music is on Spotify and that's terrifying. There's a beauty to opening a CD case, looking through the booklet, looking at the graphics, and wondering what the though process behind it all was. Not all of it is traditionally beautiful graphic design, most of it is pretty subpar, with some really interesting horrible outliers, but regardless its something interesting to think about. Listening to music on my Walkman takes time. If I'm gonna take it out with me for a trip I need to choose which CDs I'm taking with me, consider how long my trip will be, how many CDs I'll get through, what mood I'm in that day. I need to finagle to skip a track, pausing being a just a little more inconvenient but not impossible. I have to take time to switch out the CDs, make a new choice that takes more effort than a click. There's something fun about the inconvenience, about living through the steps that were made to be skipped by the time I came to in this world.
I've been really enjoying finding CDs at thrift stores and giving them a chance. Just recently found out that I enjoy Cage the Elephant, or at least their second album, for the low cost of 2 dollars and tax. And sure I could've found this out for free, listened to them on a streaming site, but I don't think I would've ever gotten there in the first place. The choice to take that CD home with me, knowing it'll be entering my collection means I have to give it a try, I can't just ignore it on my shelf. I still find plenty of new music (as in new to me) online, but I'm really enjoying exploring the other routes of finding things. About letting things pop up naturally, about seeing where curiosity leads me. And especially by going to local shows and seeing whats being made. Stars I love live music. That's a different ramble though.
My favourite find of recent have been Demi Lovato's "HOLY FVCK". I've never really been a close follower of her career but goddamn that's a good time of an album.
I've tried tumblr, got lonely about it, got sad on it. Felt too private and I had too big ideals. Found myself more awkward online than in person and yelling into the void wasn't satisfying enough. I've now got a discord server with friends that acts as a sort of private site for the lot of us. We have channels we call "rooms" dedicated to a person so they can complain, or share cool things, or talk about whatever in the safe view of all 10ish people who are alive there (but really its the view of the 2-3 people who actually read everything). Anyways. That servers been scratching my itch of complaining and wanting to be seen about it, but I kind of miss the public void. Miss having a spot to archive what I've been up to and what I'm doing. And this seems like the better place for it than tumblr or a server. Means I can have a place to do it without it being muddled with reblogs or conversations in between, which makes the organized archivist in me quite happy.
What am I doing with this blog?
Truth be told. Not a clue. Will probably be rambling about my interests and hyper-fixations-- which currently consists of Fall Out Boy, bass, fashion, music, craft projects, and typography-- and complaining about a lot more too. I'm a uni student, there's always plenty to complain about it. Especially about my fuckass landlord (who btw, just sent an email yesterday asking us to confirm whether or not we wanted to renew our lease 3 days from then. which we're pretty sure is illegal in Canada). I'll talk about stuff here so I don't have to subject my 6 roommates to it, which I don't think will actually stop them from being subjected to my rambles but this will probably be a pretty good alternative outlet!
I'm also hoping this becomes a resource of text for me. I'm studying graphic design and while I rarely do any design work out of class, I'm hoping to change that this year. My issue is that I never have copy- text that can be used in a design- so I'm hoping starting a blog of rambles will effectively create myself a resource for that and I can actually start making stuff in my off time. Stars know my portfolio needs it.
With that, I'm Amuro and
✶✧★ Welcome to the (Sh)It Boy Show ★✧✶
Thank you Mothclub for bringing to my attention that I can, in fact, do this!
