Detox, Avoid Retox, Because Theres No Chance At Love

And just like that. The crush saga is over. It feels almost underwhelming. 

    My best friend did reconnaissance. There is no chance. There is nothing there. She's just an affectionate and caring friend. She's not crushing on anyone and when she does it's been happening less. I'm not even her type. I know from here on out that I can start to get over it. 

    It hurts more than I thought it would, but I shouldn't be surprised because I've been holding onto this for the better part of half a year. It physically hurts. My chest feels empty. My stomach hurts. My best friend and crush were talking about meeting women and going out to bars and it hurts. Its an unfortunate choice of topic that's hitting me like a ice pick through the soul. It's funny that it feels like I'm actively going through it more than my best friend who just broke up with his boyfriend, but it hurts. I was trying to not cry on the couch we’re all sitting on as she asks if I'm okay. I lied and said it was a headache. Exposure too soon in a too open wound. Salted and twisted, a perfect recipe for pain. 

It’ll be over soon. I’ll get over it soon. I know I can.

    It’s funny that today I relistened to The Rise and Fall of a Midwest Princess by Chappell Roan. Felt a kind of elation singing along to Red Wine Supernova. 

    I almost wish I could’ve had the joy for a little bit longer. I feel like it burned so slow until it lit into a raging fire and that was promptly doused. 

    I’ve decided that if I do tell her, I won’t do it until fourth year. I  think that will be enough time for me to be far away from it.  

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So all of that was written yesterday- about right after it happened, but before my crush left and I decided an costume change was in order. Nothing is fixed with a better outfit, but it sure as hell helps. And I think it did. Micro shorts, thigh highs and a crop top do wonders for my self confidence. That and my house allies getting back from watching a movie. They walked into the living room, took in the slutty outfit as I went, "this is my grieving outfit" and filled them in on everything they've missed. 

    Honestly I think the best part of this whole crush saga is just the feeling of community that's come from all of it. Communally lamenting over our varying relationship woes, sharing and bonding and lifting each other up where we need it. At some point we got to talking about pick-up lines and I got to try a couple on the room. What I've learned is 1. Me and my best friend are so fucking platonic its beautiful (I aimed one line towards him and it was just as weird and neutral for both of us), and 2. I can be a little bit smooth with it (I had one good one off the cuff). My choir roommate has also given me full permission to practice on her, and while I don't know how much use I'll be getting out of that, it's nice to know I can. 

    My one thought waking up this morning is that if I look at this whole thing from an outside perspective, it kinda feels like I'm giving up pretty quickly. Like yeah, first sign of it not being able to work out, and a relatively indirect one at that. But I think that's okay. Most of my crush was fuelled by possibility, burning brighter because we were coincidentally getting closer at the same time. Knowing that its gone from "Unlikely but its up in the air" to "Pretty unlikely for sure" is really comforting. It helps me temper my expectations. Sure, some conversation topics will probably be a little sore for the next while--topics that are unfortunately popular ones right now because we're reaching the end of the semester and everyone's becoming a little desperate to party and meet new people--but I can move on knowing that I just was reading things wrong. Will my weak little heart still beat whenever she treats me a little different because we're good friends? Yes probably, but I can lean on knowing that its because we're good friends and that nothing will come of it. And I value friendship above all, that's why I've been going through hell with this crush because I refused to give up a friendship by pulling away from it so I could temper myself. 

    Truthfully, I think there's a good chance I break and tell her earlier than 4th year that I had this crush. Asides from the general idea of her going out to meet other women hurting, the most painful part of that convo yesterday was hearing her put herself down about her chances. I wanted to shake her so badly and scream "You can pull!!! You can absolutely pull! You fucking had me for months!!!!". I stg in the next year if she gets worse about putting herself down in that way I will actually snap and tell her for the ego boost and flattery.

    My best friend made a heartbreak playlist and shared it with me. So I think I'll be listening to that for awhile. And a lot of Fall Out Boy. He said he'd also make a slutty playlist that he'd share to me, so I'm excited for that. The boost will be necessary. I really am excited for that lesbian event after this month is over. Stars know I need it after all of this.