My New Prescription Has A Whole Paragraph On The Bottle

Take 1 tablet daily for 1 week then take 1 tablet twice a day for 1 week then take 2 tablets twice a day for 2 weeks then take 3 tablets twice a day for 28 days.

I didn't even know that the font on the prescription bottle could get smaller to accommodate more text. I mean it feels kinda obvious that it would but I've just, never seen it. 

So I think that means I take 7 +14 + 56 + 168 = jesus fuck thats so many pills. They're all so tiny too. They look like flakes almost. Though I think I do get why I'm supposed to take on like this because when I took it for the first time I immediately got a headache and then conked out at around 2 pm. Powerful shit.

I'm slowly amassing a graveyard of prescriptions on my bedside table. I know I can get them taken to the pharmacy to get them safely disposed of, but I kind of want to keep em and turn it into something. Maybe call it "The Cost of Getting Better" and use it to show the long road of figuring out what works. Maybe. 

Doing It Scared Until You Don't

I'm a big champion of "doing it scared"-- doing something even if it terrifies you. It's absolutely hard to always practice by virtue of doing things that scare you, but its a good thing to stick by. 

I feel like I'm doing everything scared these days. It's not quite a different kind of scared. Its still the same fears of not being good enough, of things not panning out and going the way I planned but now there's more.  I'm scared of myself, of the world, my ability to survive. I'm scared of getting up and eating. I'm scared to make make decisions on what to watch. 

I'm scared to exist and too scared to die. 

I don't know where to go from here. I have a therapist appointment next monday. I'm gonna be going back to my rental for the week starting tomorrow. I'm scared I'm going to be more a danger to myself but maybe getting out of this house will be good for me. I've been taking my meds consistently. I don't know if this is the meds. I don't feel much better. Honestly I feel worse. I don't know if its all me or both. 

For the first time I thought about setting a date. Not an exact one, but a month. A maybe, because everything that comes after then terrifies me. 

I managed to offload one of my stresses to a roommate. I don't know if its being done to the degree I'd want it to. I can't find it in myself to care. 

I thought real hard about doing actual harm. Got really close to it too. Put the corner of the razor on my hand and just scraped the top. Only enough to see that white line of dry skin. Did a couple lines like that. The thing holding me back is that it'd be much too obvious. Its too damn hot and I've been dressing as minimally as I can be to beat the heat. There's nowhere it can be without it being immediately obvious. Its a kind of fucked up logic--"If I'm gonna hurt myself I'm gonna make sure it'll be no ones worry". 

I went back to biting. It did not feel like sensory fulfillment. My skin doesn't bruise easily and it bounces back quick enough.  

I went on a walk yesterday. Thought real hard about just walking until my legs gave out. Seeing how far I could get to the other side of town on foot. Walking into a forest. The middle of the street. I made it about a kilometre before I looped back around home. 

Last Saturday I was stuck at a family picnic. Ended up in a conversation with an uncle where he asked if I was interested in project management, if I'd ever consider it. When I'm happy I feel like I could live doing a boring job. Thinking about doing that now feels like its own kind of death. I'd be good at it. I'm sure I'd be good at it. I don't know if I'd live through doing it. I don't know if I'll live to try. I don't know how future me will feel. I'd hope they're better.

My Legs Won't Take Me Where My Head Goes

Its the only reason I'm alive. 

August might take me there.

Or my legs will take me past. 

Over the edge. The middle of the road.

My feet are planted still. 

Away from home. In a ditch somewhere. 

My legs brought me back.  

I can't see a future.

My legs keep walking. 

I don't know where we're going. It feels like nowhere, 

but they don't take me where I want to go. 

I'm stuck.

We keep going.

 

We keep going.  

What You Missed On The Shit Boy Show!

Hello! Been awhile. I haven't been writing a lot bc honestly I haven't been up to that much. Mostly just trying to get by and not let the demons get me, so it doesn't feel like anything interesting enough to talk about is really happening. (I fear this is also a sign of my depression ebbing but its fineeeeeee)

So, here's the catch-up montage: 

French Class! 

I'm taking French as a summer class. Technically I have a B1 french qualification but the class is at a A2 level because I did horribly on the level placement test. And honestly, a high A2 feels about right for my level. I'm currently half paying attention to the class while I write this, but don't get me wrong I do really like this class! I just have shit attention. The class is 4 hours twice a week, and its mostly been my instructor going over concepts and things we need to know and then making every single person in this online class speak out loud and read things and form sentences. I feel like I'm learning a lot of stuff about pronunciation that I didn't learn in high school.

New Meds! 

I'm off of the evil meds that made my anxiety hellish and now I'm on stimulating antidepressants. I think it's working to a degree. But I also just feel sadder in general and I don't know if thats the meds or me. That's something to take up with a therapist I guess. But overall, not going insane which feels pretty good!

ROM Date! 

It may or may not technically count as my first date with my gf--idk where we're at on that-- but regardless a very fun time. The ROM is the Royal Ontario Museum and the biggest museum in Canada, and it was my first time going! We pretty much went through everything we could- spent a buncha time looking at pottery, rocks and gemstones, dinosaurs, nerding out about the mention of early typography in the Chinese and Korean exhibitions, and being very excited at the few historical Filipino pieces there were. My gf was very ecstatic about the dinosaurs, gems, and the toy armies. I watched my gf suffer through looking at all of the stuffed animals in the gift shop. It was very cute :). I ended up getting her a triceratops plush that's been named Topaz. He's very cute. 

Topaz the Triceratops! ft a little bit of my gfs hand 

Punk Show! 

You push your best friend to go talk to a local musician and now they've got a job doing that artist's graphic design work. And I could not be prouder. The artist he's doing work for is Rellana (formerly Petrichor) and they just had a single release show on saturday! 
    The lineup was Trainwreck Society (opening with an acoustic set), Bolster (death metal band), Trashwyre (my favorite local act, dance punk!) and Rellana (moody alt rock). It was a house show, same place I saw Trashwyre for the first time, and the vibe was still great. Had my fun bullying highschool seniors and then I realized those kids were Bolster, and goddamn those kids can play. Trainwreck Society (who turned out to be one guy) ended their set talking about wanting to start an emo band and I immediately volunteered myself as a bassist. Talked to them after their set and the vibes were great. Got a shirt from Trashwyre that I'm still attempting to pay for but my bank wont fucking let me, and got to finally see Rellana in person which was a blast! 

Trainwreck Society!

Trashwyre!

Rellana! And yes that is Trainwreck Society on the guitar. 

( I didn't get any photos of Bolster :c )

 

Pride!!! 

Day after the punk show I went to Toronto pride with my roommates. I wasn't entirely sure if I was gonna go check out pride because I already had 2 days back to back of doing stuff but my roommates were going and said "the more the merrier" so I simply had to.    
    We kind of ended up splitting up between the slow group and the fast group.  I was in the fast group with another roomie and we pretty much walked down the whole street, first looking for water before we just got distracted looking at stuff and making our way all the way down the road. We ended up tapping out earlier because my roomie was overtimulated and my feet and legs were hurting like hell. I came out of the parade with one pair of very cute bat wing hair clips. 
    Thing to note about the experience though was that I was carrying a different roomies giant pride flag on a stick for the whole time. And people. Kept. Coming. Up to me. Just to ask for a photo with the flag. Some photos they pulled me in for, others they didn't. But the vibe of it was interesting. Like I don't think I was the only guy with a flag and I wasn't even wearing a rainbow outfit, I was in black and red. So it was just kind of interesting. Also because I have a suspicion that the people coming up to me were tourists that were in Toronto for the Fifa Cup. Which. It was just a weird vibe. 

 

Last Bass Lesson! 

Not a lot of bass playing happened but I cant bring myself to be annoyed about it. It was nice to just talk with an elder punk and get advice about existing in the scene. Remember how I talked to Trainwreck Society? Well we kept talking and they ended up sending me a demo without any bass on it. I haven't written any bass lines before. I ended up talking about it with my teacher and we showing it to him and getting his advice on writing bass lines. Which ended up with us just talking about the local scene, him being happy to hear theres new diy venues, talking about the Sneaky Dees possible closure which was interesting because he ended up telling about his experience playing there with his band (which I unfortunately never got the name of :( ) and how they brought in 200 people and then were expected to be out promptly by 9pm for emonite. Which. Really sucks. Got the name of another local diy venue and got some words of encouragement about playing and playing in a band. "Above all, be a good hang" was his final advice, "It's better to play with people you like hanging with". 
    I'm really glad I took these lessons, even if they were just for the month. Honestly I think I kind of needed them. I needed something to kick me back into having fun with bass, and I think I got a lot out of the lessons. 

Where Was I? How Did I Get Here? (Could I Get Someone Else to Go The Rest of the Way?)

Good news! Dyeing my hair went great!

Bad news! Life is kicking me in the balls again for no apparent reason. 

The hardest thing to accept about going on the whole mental health journey is that as good as it is for awhile, there will still be down days. Today is one of those. 

Morning started off okay. Stayed in bed for a bit. Had some realizations. Texted my gf. Cried a lot. Got better. Got bad. Mother told me we were going out. That wasn't happening for me. Listened to Pretty Odd and played minecraft. Texted my best friend. Cried a little more. Got better and put myself together enough to make a banana choco peanutbutter smoothie. Glorious. Cleaned up. Back to my room. Slowly the anxiety comes creeping back. I'm waiting for my Mom and Brother to come back because my Mom wants to go out for lunch. I trying to keep myself together for that but as the clock ticks the anxiety builds and I can feel the watery pressure behind my eyes. 

On days like this, even if I stop crying, the feeling doesn't really leave. 

One of the revelations of the day is that I have a tendency to measure my success in relation to other people. If I'm doing better than others, that means I'm doing well. If they're doing better than me, that means I'm failing. You can see how this isn't good.

I feel like I haven't had a win for awhile. Like a real personal win. I have the rest of my driving school instruction to get through that I can barely lug through. My efforts to create my project for my portfolio that I need desperately before September comes are crawling at best. My mother tells me she doesn't have long left, I think shes paranoid. The finances of my family are unknown but I know just enough to know it isn't great. I can't bring myself to work. I need to start looking for a 7th roommate for the next year. I'm doing so little and yet I'm so stressed. 

I think they're home. 

I'm not ready to put myself together yet.  

I hate to see the success of my friends reflect an image of my failure. I'm happy for them, I am, but that joy is undercut by a stab in a heart and a voice saying "why aren't you doing the same? Why can't you get yourself together to work". 

. 

I came back from lunch. I still feel like I don't have enough energy to be expressive. But at least I'm moving. My best friend is streaming playing a fangame where you get sold to the beatles One Direction style. It's already lifting my mood. 

I love my friends.  

My Impulses are't Controlled, They're Free Range

So I'm finally off the meds that were evil for me. It was absolutely the meds because after a week, I'm realizing I do very much just have general anxiety, but its not that bad on average. We've got a new one prescribed, a stimulating antidepressant apparently, so we'll see how that goes. I love playing drug roulette!!!!!

    Asides from that, what was supposed to be a week long stay in my hometown has turned into me being here for almost 2 months. And I think I'm going a little bit stir crazy. I have good reason to stay at home for the time being, money being the big one, my closest friends being here a strong second, but oh man. I'm going a little insane I fear. 

    I was home alone this morning so I did what any reasonable person would do walk walked the 30 minute walk to the nearest shoppers to get bleach and hair dye. I also ended up with the sequel to a book I bought at shoppers years ago that was amazing (Hench by Natalie Zina Walschots) because I didn't realize a sequel had been released. I'm pretty sure that was the same shoppers I got the first book from too. Funny how that works out. And also headbands that I may or may not have technically stolen. I mean its not the worst thing I've stolen from a shoppers, and these didn't even have proper tags on them so I don't really feel that bad about it. 

    But! Hair dye. To no ones surprise, I'm planning on dying my hair in a way that will further my best friends Pete Wentz kinnie allegations (If those words meant nothing to you, I'm so glad). I'm trying to recreate this look more or less. 

This is the best photo I could find. None of the top of his head unfortunately

How successful I'll be? No clue. I think the look itself is kind of half cut, half dye. I'm pretty sure my layers are severe enough to recreate it, and if not well. I'm about due for a trim. Not entirely sure how much I want to do the top layer but it is really cool. I'm also gonna try my hand at a raccoon stripe on one of my side pieces because I'll probably have enough bleach for it. Should probably find like tape or something for it though. 

    Will my mother be happy with this? Its unfortunate that I am asking myself this question, but jury's out on that one. Shes not much for dramatic changes, and doesn't quite enjoy bold colors and drastic styles like I do. The real question is do I tell her before I do it? No clue. Honestly I'd rather be at the jolly house doing this with friends but hey. Impulse will find a way no matter what. 

 

First Time Was Not The Charm

 I very much love being on the slow realization that the first ADHD meds I got prescribed may not be the perfect fit for me. I've been on a higher dose for almost 2 week after being weened on them on a lower dose for the previous 2 weeks and its Rough out here. My heart rate will just jack up, I get kinda shaky. It actually makes focusing on things worse for the most part because my anxiety has gotten amped up to hell so even if I'm focusing on something I want to be, it sucks ass. Like I'll feel tightness in my chest when I interact with things that make me anxious so I've pretty much just been avoiding what will literally hurt me. And its not even consistent! I've got a collection of low effort activities for myself that aren't stressful to start, and I have to fucking spin a wheel to find out which of those will be the okay one for the day. Oh and its giving me insane paranoia. It's crazy. 

In good news, my appointment with my psych is this week so hopefully I'll be able to get em switched out, or we'll be able to figure out what the issue is. Fingers crossed. 

In better news, I've been reaching out to friends and just talking and it feels really nice feeling like I'm building and maintaining these connections. I finally got to catch up with my favorite gossip buddy, bothered a couple of friends I made from my classes, and I've got a good thing going on with a friend of a friend that I'm trying to build up with where we just send each other animal videos and things.  

Best news is I went and visited the HMCS Haida with my girlfriend for her birthday. Shes a big naval history nerd, and it's the happiest I've ever gotten to see her, which honestly felt like its own present to me. We went around the entire ship, got to talk to one of the volunteers in the radio room for like 10 minutes who I'm pretty sure is a retired sailor who worked sending out morse code. It was all really cool. I ended up getting a lot of photos of any type artifacts because of course my graphic design nerd ass did. We spent about 3-4 hours there and then got burgers before heading home. And because we took the train in, we had to walk everywhere which meant I got to hold her hand a bunch despite the heat. C: Overall, a great trip and a grand win. 

There's also a non zero chance I will be Going Through it within the next month but we'll get there when we get there. Doing my best to not stress over things that I don't have to be when I don't have enough energy to do so. 

The current thing I'm putting off is driving lessons. I've been signed up, paid for the package. And now I have to do 10 hours of online training. And its all in my hands. My very nervous, sweaty, anxious hands. 

I really do need to learn how to drive, and I've been pretty much putting it off since I got my licence at 16, but the wombo combo of just being in cars jacking up my anxiety and the whole pressure of it all isn't helping much. But hey, at least I'll get to learn in the suburbs as opposed to Toronto proper. That feels real scary. 

And in pretty okay news, I think I'm kind of making a connection with my mom finally. Its weird, but its nice. I think being in a very queer relationship and that conversation with a priest has made me reckon with the fact that I'm really not sure if I'll ever come out to her in a full capacity. Shes gotten more religious with age, hell shes been sending me those facebook photos with little prayers daily-- and they're always different and contextual for the day or month or season. I really want to believe that if I come out to her in a full capacity one day that she'd be able to come around, that her love for me as her child would be enough to cut through her own beliefs. I could care less about what my dad thinks, I've never been too close with him, but I know it would devastate me if my mom wouldn't accept me. 

I don't know. I'll never know if I don't put myself out there, but I don't know if the price of knowledge is worth the pain.  

 

I Talked to a Priest Today (and Cried My Eyes Out)

 cw: Religion, Catholicism

I talked to a priest today. I went to church with my family after taking the meds on an empty stomach. About halfway through the sermon i could feel the panic rising and church has never been a comfortable place to be for me, so I hid outside of the main room. 

I sat there on my phone, it was something to focus on, something without noise. The area wasn’t perfectly quiet but everything was dampened. 

The priest sat across from me. Asked if I was uninterested in the sermon. Asked if I was with family. I said I was there because of my anxiety. He asked if it was because of all the people and the noise. I opened up about how the church experience has always been triggering for me. 

It’s weird how you can just open up to priests. I ended up spilling everything about not being religious and being queer but being there for my family. About being afraid to come out in both regards. Joked about how I’m sure what I’ll be disowned for first, being gay or not being religious. How all my friends are queer and trans. That I have a girlfriend. 

It was nice to just tell someone about it.   

He said I’d always have a community in the church. Asked if I was baptized. Said I was. He told me that I’d always be a child of God. That God doesn’t abandon. 

I’m thinking that the priest approached me thinking I was just a disinterested teenager and hoping to revitalize my interest in the church. Or maybe a runaway teen seeking refuge. I’m not sure he knew what to do with me. I think he was trying to assure me in the way he knew how, saying that there was a community and a good ending. It’s weird that a good ending hinged on me being baptized. That both responses to comfort me were to hopefully reaffirm the place of the church in my life. 

I’m almost tempted to try to talk to him again. Dig into the churches belief on queerness and transness. Ask for advice this time on how to move forward with my family. Just to see what he’d say. A 30 something priest. I’m curious. 

He asked for clarification when I mentioned offhand about knowing about the churches deal with pro life. I talked about knowing enough theology to know the stance on abortion. He also clarified if all my queer friends were within the church. I said they weren’t. Joked about queer people not usually being involved with the church. 

My mom called me asking where I was and that she’d sit in the car with me. He gave me his name and a handshake. He had kind of a resting smile but a tightness to his eyes. I’m quite sure he has no clue what to do with me. I don’t know if this is a man who has had to confront queerness up close. The real effects of the rhetoric of the church. Of a child terrified that they’ll never be known by their family. 

I really wonder what that priest took away from that interaction. Most optimistically I hope I’ve planted a seed of radicalization in him. Most likely he’s come away with a story to reinforce a belief that queerness separates. I don’t even know if my church is homophobic. I know they’ve never flown the flag in support. I know a lot of the congregation is. 

My greatest fear is that I become a sermon, a story for the congregation. I don’t know what I’d be used to sell. Maybe another story about a sheep lost from the flock. Maybe the prodigal son. A story to fear monger the dangers of queerness, the evil of transness. A story of love and acceptance above all. 

I don’t know this priest. His name is Johnathan I think. He’ll be leaving this parish in a month, getting moved to another. He kind of looked like the priest from Wake Up Dead Man, had a similar haircut and beard. 

If I become a sermon, I just hope it’s when he leaves this parish. My dad volunteers at this parish. I don’t want this to be the way I’m outed. 

Unraveling My Mind and 2 Goddamn Projects Because I'm Bad at Judging Yarn Lengths

I think the anxiety is mostly the meds. That doesn't make it much better because everything feels like its taken kind of a nosedive since my last post, but we're holding on and I think there's only up from here. At the very least I don't think I'm going through any more meds increases for awhile. 

    The worst part of my consistently medically induced anxiety is that varying things have now become points of anxiousness. Spending money. Eating food. Getting out of my room. Interacting with my family. I'm now having nightmares and I barely dreamt before. Albeit my nightmares are very similar to the few dreams I do remember, which are incredibly mundane in nature. The consistent thread going through all of them is there being some kind of extreme stress in simple situations. Not knowing there was a project to be turned in, having to find a 7th roommate, having to choose what clothes to wear. Which were all the actual premises of dreams I've had. 

In the meantime I have my bass, and I have a pound of yarn that I'm trying to crochet into a scarf. 
    I've signed up for weekly bass lessons. Originally I was planning on going for guitar but I honestly think it'll be more beneficial for me to go in for bass lessons. I think I'll get more theory learning out of taking bass lessons. It also gives me a reasonable weekly pressure to work and practice. So here's to hoping that goes well.
    In the midst of my anxiety fuelled week and everything kind of being evil to attempt, crochet has been my peaceful escape. It started with me crocheting a single ball of yarn into a skinny scarf--which I had to redo because I thought I could make a thicker scarf, I couldn't. Now I'm planning on getting through a pound of yarn that I had bought years ago for a different project that I never actually followed through on. I have no clue what row I'm currently on but I'd say I'm making pretty okay progress. The pattern looks complex but its actually not too bad once you get used to the patterns. The techniques themselves are pretty simplistic and its incredibly repetitive, it just takes some time to wrap your head around it. This is also my second pass at making this pattern, I frogged the entirety of my first attempt. 

Scarf pattern from This Video

 

I should probably eat. I'm not letting myself play stardew with the gf without eating first.  

A Beaver Can't Stop Niagra Falls and Other Phrases I Made Up

Unfortunately this is not a list of other phrases I made up, though there have been many over time. We'll loop back around to my favourite metaphor that I've used later.

In the meantime, general updates. Life is alright. Right now the brain is weird. I'm typing this out because I feel like I haven't been able to properly focus on anything for the last couple of hours. Which is unfortunate because I have many a thing to clean up and the energy to do that feels like its running away from me. 

I had a trial bass lesson on monday, and I'm thinking I'm gonna continue with lessons but I kind of have to justify continuing with lessons first because of moneyyyy. Had a scare of my roommate being missing mid-week-- its fine, her phone was just making her unable to contact anyone in any way for an entire day which combined with an unfortunate coincidence of events made for an incredibly stressful situation. My best friend went through the ringer this week ending a relationship and I was there for the whole journey. 

My girlfriend visited today and it was really nice. We made matching bracelets for our one month anniversary and watched Mean Girls together. It was technically my first time watching Mean Girls in its entirety and it was so fun. I love an insane 2000s teen movie. 

I'm currently avoiding putting together an application for a thing I was excited to apply for because it involves putting together an application. And my portfolio. And looking at my past work. All things my brain is really not inclined towards and would rather avoid at all costs. Which isn't fun when I want to do those things. 

I kind of had a moment recently realizing that I'm not as good of a designer as I thought I was. Now before you immediately rebuke, let me explain. I'm pretty okay all things considered, and I'd say my work is solid. However, I think internally for the last while I've been holding my work up way higher than it deserves to be. Like delusionally higher. And having to look at my work again kind of snapped me out of it because coming back to my design work I just feel bored. Like really bored. I've been pushing towards minimalism and for what? Its fine, its alright, its effective for what it needs to be, but I'm just unsatisfied looking at it. I'm not the best of the best in my year and that's okay, but Stars I need to find the motivation in me to try to push towards anything. 

I don't design in my free time, and I need to change that, both for the sake of my future career but also just because I need to get into the habit. As much as I'm unsure if I want to really keep pursuing design despite enjoying the process for the most part, I don't want to be failing in what I'm currently doing. 

I think I'm just anxious. And I'm not sure if its me or the meds. Stars I hope its the meds. 

Documenting Befores Is Something I Always Forget Until After

Tomorrow I start my new prescriptions: an upped dose of my antidepressants to ween me onto double of my current dose, but more importantly ADHD meds (sparkle sparkle). 

So I'd like to take a moment to note how I've been doing to have a more direct before and after. 

As of the last couple of days I've been extremely tired and listless--whether that's despite eating well or because I've been eating well, I'm not sure. Focus has been as hard as ever because of that since the effort involved in doing things usually involves moving and wanting to get up. Anxiety has been weird to say the least. Only had one day in the past 2 week where getting out of bed felt Evil and scary. My appetite is good at least, which I'm savouring before it gets fucking destroyed in the next couple of weeks. 

What I'm not looking forward to is doing all of this with the audience of a lot more people than usual. I'm back in my hometown, I've got extended family staying over until Saturday, and I've already made plans to see all my hometown friends next week. So this will be Fun time trying to exist on what I'm thinking will be hard mode for the next hot minute. Less so hard mode, but like when you eat a mushroom in a videogame and the screen goes all wonky. Honestly that's what dealing with the shitty side effects of getting used to new dosages feels like to me. 

The only thing that I'm a little anxious about right now is that I've been hearing that the specific meds I'm going on has a tendency to kind of take the spark out of people. I mean generally that's what I've heard about people going onto ADHD meds. Which is interesting unto itself. I already feel like my personality has shifted a bit since going onto antidepressants, so while I'm definitely interested in seeing what happens to me on the new drug cocktail. 

I'm So Normal I Swear (Survived the Psychiatrist)

 I survived my appointment with the psychiatrist! 

He was an. Interesting man. Not in the way where he was weird. I just don't think I would be able to have a proper conversation with him outside of this context. Which doesn't bode well for someone I have to spill my issues to in order to get meds but What Ever! 

Bros working theory is that I've got ADHD, anxiety, and depression-- which yeah, that checks out. I'm getting my current antidepressants upped, which will suuuuck for the next month so here's hoping its worth it, and put onto stimulants. 

Also having that appointment made me realize a couple of things: 

1. I still have no idea what people mean when they say racing thoughts. 
    The way my head works, I have an ongoing internal monologue that is literally just my speaking voice but in my head--speaking as if I was having a conversation, but obviously inside-- and I get like images of things, like visualized concepts. So I think my closest equivalent is I'll have times where I'm taking in a lot of information from the external world, like sounds, sights, smells, but I really don't ever have much going on in my head. It feels like it's always one thing, two things happening at best. Its pretty quiet up there. I think that's part of why I have to process things externally, like speak through a whole plan or idea in order to figure out what I'm doing.

2. I don't really have aspirations. 
    I had a similar realization like 2 days earlier but the appointment cemented it for me. The realization I had 2 days ago was that I have very little anxiety about my future because I just don't think about it happening. If someone were to ask me where I see myself in 5 years, I have a guess on things I could be doing based on people tell me I'm good at, but really nothing comes to mind. Like literally nothing comes to mind, it's all blank. I don't know if I've ever thought of myself in the far future living a complex life. It was always the assumption of life. If I’m alive then, I must be doing something to have gotten me there.
    The world exists in the now for me, yesterday is gone in the tide and the future is out of mind until it happens. I think that's why recently, making plans has been really good for me. It gives me something to constantly be looking forward to, a reason to keep checking my calendar, a reminder that time is passing. 

 3. I'm either really disconnected from my emotions, or I don't entirely feel them 
    The psychiatrist was asking a lot of emotion questions and those ones are always really hard for me because I'm not super in tune with myself there. When the doc asked if I was an emotional person, I said I was dramatic but not emotional. I react largely to things, but I don't think I really feel that much when things happen. I think I only started fully fully processing my emotions in my first year of uni. So like late 2024.  
    It's weird because I'm slowly realizing that I've always had a disconnect in feeling emotions. Since I was a kid I've been conceptualizing myself as a divided body. Mind and Body. The mind was logical thought, the body was physical need and emotional reactions. So since I was a kid I'd have bouts where I'd start crying but I wouldn't be sad. And I wouldn't be rendered helpless or helpless feeling the way you do when you sad cry. I would just be crying but my brain would still be fully functional for conversation and process, and the crying felt like a weird interruption to that. And that would happen when I was getting feedback from teachers in school since I was like 8. And my poor teacher would be looking at a crying 8 year old who's going "no please continue, this just happens". 

The big down of all of this is at the end of the appointment I asked about what I'd have to do to do an pysch evaluation for autism, and then proceeded to find out that my doctor doesn't believe in non stereotypical autism. Like the first thing out of his mouth when I said I was considering an autism diagnosis was "oh I would know if you had autism because you'd have to have your mom in here with you and she'd be stopping you from touching the computer and pulling at my ear." And the banger "There's aspergers, the smart ones, and then there's autism, the ones with lower intellect." It upset me. So much to hear a fucking doctor spew all that shit. He fucking pulled The Good Doctor as an example. I was losing my fucking mind. 

So anyways. I get to look forward to adjusting to meds again, and adjusting to all of that while meeting up with a buncha friends next week. Girlfriend visit on Sunday save meeeee. 

What Goes Up Must Come Down

Its not that life has been bad per say, but I'm not sure if its reached the same level of good. 

Again, nothing has been bad- my appetite is back in full force, I got to go out with my best friend for the first time in a long time, made sinigang with my roommate, finally got around to customizing the vans I bought back in December which means I can actually wear them now, I'm almost 3 weeks strong with my girlfriend. Yippie!

But on the flipside of that has been relationship anxiety that I've been working through--which is really the least bad of all of it because at least its somewhat expected--, the fact that I've been sleeping A Lot and generally don't have a lot of energy, a couple of mildly worrying urges are back, I haven't been able to focus for shit. 

I think it might be the case of setting my expectations so high that its inevitable that where reality lands is below it. I do want to do things, and I've got things planned so its not just a slog of days ahead of me. However on the day to day I feel like I'm just not doing enough. Maybe putting more things into my calendar will fix that, who knows. 

The Spring is For Winning

 I'M FEELING OPTIMISTIC ABOUT LIFE

Quick recap of the last couple days: 
- saw Project Hail Mary with most of my roomies. ITS SO GOOD HOLY SHIT.
- spent a Lot of quality time with my girlfrienddd. got at least 3 dates planned out to happen for the summer
- I did not get that essay done on time because my gf is a minx. Got it in on saturday though! Shout out the gf for doing citations for me because I was actively having a panic attack 
- Made sure the gf was alive for her first truly drunk experience. It was very fun night even if we didn't actually end up spending time at the bar we were planning to. she now understands the joy of drunk food
- made pasta together too! it was really nice to make food with someone else 
- yesterday went out for thai food with a few roomies because the cool roomie wanted to celebrate thai new year in a small way. It was so good holy shit. 
- also yesterday found out one of my roommates had a crush on me and her and another very much found me attractive and were bonding over it? their words not mine. I'm flattered, I think? I thought finding out these things would be a bigger feeling but honestly after spending 3 straight days with my gf I feel like I just can't be flustered by other people anymore. Or I just havent processed it yet. I think thats the case

Generally I'm feeling pretty good. Its weird to feel bored again with my classes being over, but I'm trying to harness it because it feels pretty different from the end of last year. The summer was a very big question mark of what to do, and now I feel like I've got so many things to do, and so many things I want to do over the summer.  

I think a big part of that is just being on antidepressants this time around. It is actually crazy how much better I just feel about life now. Is my anxiety kind of worse? Yes, yes it is. But it genuinely is like the world has color again. I actually want and crave doing things. I feel neutral to good about my body. I'm craving food like I used to again. It feels insane. 

I also think I'm currently between hyperfixations. My fall out boy has faded from a front of mind hyperfixation to a Solid Interest of mine. Which means I'm just waiting for the next big thing to happen. Not much I can do about it in the meantime, so I guess I just have to continue my hobbies or something. 

I don't know what the future holds but I'm feeling pretty good about it going forwards.  

Crush? More Like Crushing It. And By It I Mean- (HEAD RAT YOU WERE RIGHT)

So uh. I have a girlfriend now. Holy shit I have a girlfriend now. Oh Fuck. Oh Fuck. 

Before we go into it I'd like to thank my best friend in believing in me (and taking credit for the whole thing), the entirety of my household who's been listening to me crash out, everyone who was at my end of sem drinking party yesterday giving me advice, and of course, my crush who started being forward which gave me enough confidence to actually just confess. 

I don't wanna go into the fully gritty details because honestly, I kind of want to keep some of that for myself. But long story short after a whole day of texting during the deadest shift of my short work-study career, a party that left me a little drunk and a whole lot tired, and a conversation with her that was a little bit flirty, that got me the confidence to send a pretty forward text before passing out that led into a pretty forward conversation the next morning (today).

And now I have a girlfriend. (HOLY FUCK)

We had a pretty long conversation about wants, boundaries, all that good stuff. Turns out she's had a crush on me since around the beginning of the year, and has probably been flirting with me since mid march. Only been conscious of herself flirting for like the last couple days though. Which. Oh Stars. This woman was sent from hell to torture me I think. 

AND SHES NOW ACTIVELY TORTURING ME. FOR FUN! I HAVE AN ESSAY TO FINISH BY TOMORROW. (I say this very affectionately but Stars I'm learning why people can't focus when they like someone and all that. My roommates all say I'm quite warm and I think its because I've spent most of this day blushing with my heart beating out of my chest. So glad I don't visibly blush.) 

I also gave her my blog to read so she's caught up on the length of my suffering. She likes my writing which is nice. She also evidently really likes me, which is really nice. She finds what I think is one of my saddest crush writings to be her favourite, which I guess I won't argue if shes the one compliment it. 

Am I terrified of everything because I'm completely out of my depth? Yes. Am I gonna let myself be happy despite that? Also yes. Because love is beautiful and should be enjoyed, or whatever that voice that sounds like my best friend is telling me in my head.  

Anyways. Party I threw yesterday went really successfully. I'm carrying my tradition from the end of last semester of hosting a Day-Drinking party with people from my major. It's day drinking because the first time we were doing it right after the end of our last class which ended around noon or afternoon and a lot of my friends are commuters who had to have enough time to get home. So day-drinking! Despite being a sad drunk who was using my crush situation as entertainment for my friends (who doesn't love trying to fix the love life of a drunk girl), it was overall a really good time. I really love getting to hang with these people a final time before summer. They're also remarkably well behaved, even when really intoxicated, which is greatly appreciated. 

Now I've got that essay to finish. For Friday. Oh man. I'm making progress at least. 

Would also be nice if my meds weren't somehow kicking my ass more, but I guess you can't have everything.  

 

I am a God of Self Control.  I am a God of Self Control. I am a God of Self Control. 

 

New Meds Are Kicking My Ass

They're not technically new meds, just an upped dose of my meds. Regardless they are kicking my ass. 
    It used to just be heightened anxiety, but since I started my upped dose on Sunday its been pretty rough. Pulling an all-nighter that day too didn't help. And the fact that a side effect of my meds is insomnia, so I couldn't sleep at all that day even if I wanted to. 

I felt more high than actually being high. I was admitting embarrassing shit to my best friend. My best friend was also talking me out of doing embarrassing shit. 
    Its really weird actually being relatively aware of myself me high out of my mind, because I think generally I maintain a high level of awareness when inebriated. I could feel how I was just generally more willing to say anything. I would also cry at absolutely anything. Did I mention I also got my period that day too? Insane cocktail of things happening today. 

3rd day on the upped dose (and an actual amount of sleep) is going just alright. I'm still getting a bit high and woozy from the meds and I've currently got a headache but its not as bad as yesterday. My roommate remarked that I seem generally happier so maybe that's the meds working in some way? Who knows. I won't know for another week probably. The fun thing is not knowing whats a side effect from my meds, and whats happening to me because of my period. Cause I wanna say the headache is from my period, but honestly its hard to tell. Generally I have a little less coordination- I feel like I'm texting like I usually do when I'm drunk. Here's to hoping it all works out. 

Anyways- Going out to the lesbian event went well! Even if I think I sprained my ankle from it. Which has been sucking. But regardless. This shitboy made out with 3 women!! I had my first kiss! I was also probably the most drunk I've ever been in my life. I had a lot of fun. Here's everything I think I learned: 
-  Good underwear does so much for my confidence
- Jello shots are evil. They are absolutely the easiest way to get hammered without really thinking about this. Jello shot cocktail of liquid jello shot, set jello shot, and Smirnoff ice is also incredibly evil. 
- drinking 3/4 of a bottle of soju and chugging equivalent to 2 shots before going into the event is also an insane move
- I don't know if its just mouth that tastes bad or if its tasting the alcohol in people mouths. The physical sensation of kissing is pretty cool tho. 
- I am fucking Whipped for my crush. On my 3rd kiss I had the passing though of "this is nice, wonder if it would be better kissing someone I liked". It's over for me.  
- I think I now how a practical understanding of what it means for me to be aromantic (more or less) but not asexual.  It's interesting finally having the data to understand it. 

Last thing to leave off on is that I made a project based on my blog for school! It was for information design. I created an abstraction of my first 2 months of blogging to track my visible emotions and how I personally felt when writing each post. Its pretty visibly a rough time. 

 

 

Love, Selfish Love (The Whole World is Jumping Off The Bridge)

 Going out to the lesbian event with my roommates tonight! Win! 

I have to work on an essay that's like technically overdue but its chill because the prof doesn't care. Mildly stressful but not bad. I believe I'll be able to get work on it done. 

I am thinking about my drunk actions last night. Horrific. Embarrassing. Pathetic. 

I went to a potluck last night, hosted by my chill roomies girlfriend. Technically its a trans potluck, but its really just friends of my roomies girlfriend (which is still majority trans people). 
    Wonderful event. Fun people. I made pasta with my mothers bolognese sauce. It was a hit. I didn't touch it during the potluck because the host made homemade vermicelli and it was a religious experience. 

My first mistake might have been drinking a beer because I wanted to try PBR and someone brought a case as their potluck contribution. And half of my best friends beer because they didn't like it. And then a swig of tequila. And another healthy swig of tequila for the way back because I was under-dressed for the weather. Not enough alcohol to have given me a hangover, I'm chilling right now, but definitely enough alcohol to have me acting in ways I find embarrassing and sad. 

Did I mention my crush was part of the group of friends that went to the potluck? 

Did we spend pretty much half of that night cuddled up, her leaning into me with my arms around her? Yes. She even pulled one of my arms closer so she could lean her head on it. I buried my face into the top of her head at one point. Didn't quite kiss it, but its the closest I'd let myself be. 

Did she give me her sweater for the trip home because I was woefully under dressed for the cold and carry my leftover pasta the whole way home? Also yes. She even remarked that it looked like it fit me, not in the physical sense because I was swimming in it, but because it was matching my black shoes, black fishnets, and the black headphones my best friend let me wear on the way home because I was getting overstimulated. Also said something about "I'd let you keep it" that I think was her badly phrasing letting me wear it the whole way back to my place but my stupid tipsy little heart was fucking running with it. 

Did she also let me sleep on her shoulder for the whole bus ride + subway home? Yes. And I lied about being dizzy so I could hold onto her shoulder on the walks between transfers and on the final walk home because I'm a selfish pathetic drunk. 

Did she also tell me that she was planning on chilling for a bit and leaning on me when we got back to my place? Yes. And we ended up cuddling on the couch for awhile before she decided to reposition take a nap on me, with her head on my lap, for an hour. She stayed until 2 am before heading back to her place.

Of course this isn't the whole story. There are enough moments in between to stomp on my heart and keep it down, but these are all the moments that keep replaying in my mind. 

My friends and roommates are also in the living room right now as I write this out and listening to a playlist on the TV. The song that plays to that animation trend about being together in every universe just started playing. I feel destroyed. 

I already had a good cry because I feel embarrassed playing it all back in my mind. My best friend sent me a text before he came over about having questions about the way I was getting cozy with the crush last night and I ran through the whole conversation that would probably happen where I explain myself and then I had to just sit with my own responses. I sounded pathetic.  

I wasn't so far gone that I forgot anything from last night. That's quite the problem. I remember everything. I remember the way I was thinking. I remembering choosing to be selfish the whole way back because I was tipsy, and could say I was tipsy, and my crush is exceptionally kind. 

At least I have some regular drunk behaviour to be a normal kind of embarrassed about. Mostly the fact that when we were walking the final stretch to my place it was way colder and I was making some insane noises because I really didn't like the feeling. That I know was a drunk thing because I usually want to make those noises but I'm good at clamping it down when not inebriated. 

What isn't helping all of this horrificness is the amount of work that is still left to do for my classes and my landlord pressuring us into resigning our lease early or else we lose getting a solid discount on our rent. And two of my roommates, the roommates that have because some of my favourite people in the house by virtue of being the most comforting presences, are the most unsure about resigning because they don't think they can afford to live here next year, even with the rent discount. Every time stuff about the house comes up in conversation I think I lose the ability to speak. The anxiety of it all keeps getting to me. Not quite being at the end of the weening period of my new meds isn't helping either. Might actively be making it worse. 

Its rough out here. I'm not entirely sure about going out tonight. But I know I will anyways, because we've been hyping it up for weeks and I am genuinely excited. 

 

My cool rommate did my horoscope a couple days ago. It said my next few days will be horrible, especially if I was in a relationship. Explicitly said I shouldn't try to get into one either. Said today would go well for me though. 

I've never been one to believe in astrology, but it's something to hold onto, isn't it? 

I Wouldn't Know What A Gentlemen Prefers, I'm Not Into Men Nor the Gentle Sort

I seem to be on a sudden weird kick for old movies. I finished watching My Fair Lady, and I've just started Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. 

My Fair Lady was one hell of a ride of a movie. And I'm like. Not entirely sure what my takeaway from it should be. Like. Henry Higgins fucking sucks. That guy was horrid. And its like. He kind of comes around? But it feels like too little too late. I will say I was watching on what ended up being a much busier shift than I anticipated, so maybe constantly starting and stopping in the middle obfuscated information that would make it all come together. 

Regardless it was a fun time of a movie. I'm not much of a movie critic, I'm pretty simple about movies. What gets me interested is thinking about the production of it. And this movie was a beautiful production. I think that's the thing that's got me interested in watching old movies--thinking about how it was all put together. How movies are made has kind of drastically changed since then--a lot of things have drastically changed since--and so to peek back into this world is fascinating. After Gentlemen Prefer Blondes I might do a deep dive into older movie production. We'll see. 

In other news, I think I'm getting over my crush okay. My heart feels like a pendulum the way it goes back and forth in believe there could still be a lingering chance, but logically I know there isn't. What I do also know for sure is that if my crush ends up with a girlfriend in the next month, I will become a monster. She keeps making jokes about wanting one and its driving me a tad insane. I'll get through. Surely. 

I'm pretty much in my last week of classes and projects to turn in. Luckily no exams, so once all of this is over and in I'm done. Despite having a lot left to do, I don't feel stressed. Which is pretty worrying. I really should feel stressed about doing more, but sincerely I barely feel motivation to do most things. 

The win for today is that I'm almost a month on anti depressants! They've been making my anxiety generally worse, but I hoping it starts looking up after this month. I've been getting weened on them on a does below the regular, so I'm really hoping it works out. 

I hope it all works out. Thinking about the future has felt like getting a weight dropped on me.  

Cry Like In a Movie

 At what point do I get stressed about the amount of anxiety my new meds? Because I started at a 1(lowest out of 10), got to a 10 in the first week, and now we're settled around a 4 that's a 6 on bad days. Today was one of those bad days.

Usually waking up early yields productive days for me. I woke up at 6 am. Actually was awake and out of bed by 8 am. Had a lovely, slow, quiet morning. The quiet is probably what did me in. Thinking about starting my work was like feelings needles prickle. So I didn't. Told myself there was still time in the day before I'd have to start. Went on a walk, came back and had lunch. Had a nap on the couch. Had a panic attack. It got better, but I don't think it's fully gone away. I've just been avoiding the main stressor. That continues to make me feel stressed.  

I binged an anime instead: Villainess Level 99: I May Be the Hidden Boss but I'm Not the Demon Lord. It is as silly as it sounds. The main character is hilariously oblivious and blunt, so despite what should be high stakes, it felt like watching a slice of life. It was only 12 episodes, and the plot progresses pretty quickly, so it was a really nice light watch.

Now I'm trying to hold back from crying listening to Moisturizer by Wet Leg. I found their tiny desk performance. It was lovely. I'd know of the band for awhile but never dedicatedly listened to them. My first mistake was going in knowing it was an album about being in love. 
    I thought I was doing pretty well on the whole crush front. Listened through the entirety of my best friends playlist and moped. Focused on other things. Texted the crush in question as usual with the complete comfort of knowing that we're just friends. Nothing could have prepared me for love songs. Sweet, sappy love songs about dedication and being domestic. That's what got me. I kept looking at the lyrics to the songs. I don't usually do that when listening to music- I focus more on sound than anything else. Those lyrics kept stabbing me right in the heart.

Now I still feel the rolling boil of anxiety. I feel sick to my stomach. My stomach also just doesn't feel great. Eating has been difficult. I think I've lost weight. It's nice to fit into that one pair of shorts but I don't think that makes the rest of this worth it. I need to start working on this project because I'm too paranoid to work on this project tomorrow. My crush is visiting. That project involves print outs of this blog. Why did I do this to myself. 

Detox, Avoid Retox, Because Theres No Chance At Love

And just like that. The crush saga is over. It feels almost underwhelming. 

    My best friend did reconnaissance. There is no chance. There is nothing there. She's just an affectionate and caring friend. She's not crushing on anyone and when she does it's been happening less. I'm not even her type. I know from here on out that I can start to get over it. 

    It hurts more than I thought it would, but I shouldn't be surprised because I've been holding onto this for the better part of half a year. It physically hurts. My chest feels empty. My stomach hurts. My best friend and crush were talking about meeting women and going out to bars and it hurts. Its an unfortunate choice of topic that's hitting me like a ice pick through the soul. It's funny that it feels like I'm actively going through it more than my best friend who just broke up with his boyfriend, but it hurts. I was trying to not cry on the couch we’re all sitting on as she asks if I'm okay. I lied and said it was a headache. Exposure too soon in a too open wound. Salted and twisted, a perfect recipe for pain. 

It’ll be over soon. I’ll get over it soon. I know I can.

    It’s funny that today I relistened to The Rise and Fall of a Midwest Princess by Chappell Roan. Felt a kind of elation singing along to Red Wine Supernova. 

    I almost wish I could’ve had the joy for a little bit longer. I feel like it burned so slow until it lit into a raging fire and that was promptly doused. 

    I’ve decided that if I do tell her, I won’t do it until fourth year. I  think that will be enough time for me to be far away from it.  

- 

So all of that was written yesterday- about right after it happened, but before my crush left and I decided an costume change was in order. Nothing is fixed with a better outfit, but it sure as hell helps. And I think it did. Micro shorts, thigh highs and a crop top do wonders for my self confidence. That and my house allies getting back from watching a movie. They walked into the living room, took in the slutty outfit as I went, "this is my grieving outfit" and filled them in on everything they've missed. 

    Honestly I think the best part of this whole crush saga is just the feeling of community that's come from all of it. Communally lamenting over our varying relationship woes, sharing and bonding and lifting each other up where we need it. At some point we got to talking about pick-up lines and I got to try a couple on the room. What I've learned is 1. Me and my best friend are so fucking platonic its beautiful (I aimed one line towards him and it was just as weird and neutral for both of us), and 2. I can be a little bit smooth with it (I had one good one off the cuff). My choir roommate has also given me full permission to practice on her, and while I don't know how much use I'll be getting out of that, it's nice to know I can. 

    My one thought waking up this morning is that if I look at this whole thing from an outside perspective, it kinda feels like I'm giving up pretty quickly. Like yeah, first sign of it not being able to work out, and a relatively indirect one at that. But I think that's okay. Most of my crush was fuelled by possibility, burning brighter because we were coincidentally getting closer at the same time. Knowing that its gone from "Unlikely but its up in the air" to "Pretty unlikely for sure" is really comforting. It helps me temper my expectations. Sure, some conversation topics will probably be a little sore for the next while--topics that are unfortunately popular ones right now because we're reaching the end of the semester and everyone's becoming a little desperate to party and meet new people--but I can move on knowing that I just was reading things wrong. Will my weak little heart still beat whenever she treats me a little different because we're good friends? Yes probably, but I can lean on knowing that its because we're good friends and that nothing will come of it. And I value friendship above all, that's why I've been going through hell with this crush because I refused to give up a friendship by pulling away from it so I could temper myself. 

    Truthfully, I think there's a good chance I break and tell her earlier than 4th year that I had this crush. Asides from the general idea of her going out to meet other women hurting, the most painful part of that convo yesterday was hearing her put herself down about her chances. I wanted to shake her so badly and scream "You can pull!!! You can absolutely pull! You fucking had me for months!!!!". I stg in the next year if she gets worse about putting herself down in that way I will actually snap and tell her for the ego boost and flattery.

    My best friend made a heartbreak playlist and shared it with me. So I think I'll be listening to that for awhile. And a lot of Fall Out Boy. He said he'd also make a slutty playlist that he'd share to me, so I'm excited for that. The boost will be necessary. I really am excited for that lesbian event after this month is over. Stars know I need it after all of this.